it's 2008, bitches!

Well, it's midnight i'm stuck sitting here in my office on new years day. Not supposed to get off work for a few more hours. Oh, also, It's a new fucking year, mother fuckers!

So, what is a comic blogger to do on new years? Why, make resolutions of course. So, here they are, my:

Comic blogging resolutions for 2008!

1. Stop using so many stupid tags on my posts. Seriously, I have like, a zillion of them that I've only really used once. I need to narrow it down to about 10-15 good ones.

2. Stop talking so much smack about Bendis. I mean, sure he sucks out loud, but that doesn't mean I have to talk about it all the time, right? But if I'm going to stop doing that i'll have to...

3. Stop buying New Avengers and Mighty Avengers. I mean, am I the only one who has no fucking clue what the hell is going on in Mighty Avengers? Every time I read an issue, I feel like half the comic accidentally fell out of the book. Or, perhaps someone stole it!


4. Do anything I can to track down and subsequently write a short story about the guy from Brooklyn who, last night, found my blog by googling "wolverine nude", and then proceeded to further search my blog for the word "nude". Subsequently...

5. Make many more posts about wolverine, as it seems that 75% of all my web traffic comes in the form of people looking for pictures of wolverine on google.

6. Get off my lazy ass and finally get working on that Amazing Bag-Man costume I've been thinking about making for years.

7. And, finally, buy and read every possible issue of any comic containing The Badger. I just finished reading Badger Saves The World #1, and it is so damn good. You should read it too.

What about you? What are YOUR resolutions?

Drunken Comic Conspiract Theory - WHAT THE FUCK?!

Hey, you guys remember that time I got drunk and blogged about comics? Today, in memory of that one time, I decided to get drunk and blog. About comics. Kinda.

First and foremost, I'm happy to announce that WIFL is the #1 google and yahoo search results for "kinetokinesis". But aside from that, I bought some comics today!

So yeah, comics came out yesterday, but I had to tend to a sick girlfriend, so I wasn't able to make it to the comic shop until today. And, guess what? The new Messiah CompleX is FUCKING SOLD OUT!

IN ONE FUCKING DAY! I mean, what the hell, man, seriously?!? Obviously, this is just another plot by the Purifiers in their insidious conspiracy against me. I was afraid it would happen, and I was right. It seems this thing goes all the way to the top.

God himself is in on it. He sent his only son to earth to delay my comics, knowing damn well that my girlfriend would get sick the day they came out. I'm on to you, God! Also...

**HOLY SHIT, THERE'S SPOILERS DOWN THERE!**
I read Captain America #33. and I just have to say, "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, MARVEL?". Bucky? REALLY? Come on! I think we all know that's a fucking cop-out. I mean, I'm okay with being wrong in my initial comic conspiracy theory about spider-man being the new Cap, but can't we be more original that Bucky? Let's look at our other options you gave us to choose from (after you narrowed it down to 6 people, that is)

1. Bucky: Fuck him. Now, don't get me wrong, I like this new "badass, totally not a young gay kid who serves no purpose but to get captured and make Captain American rescue him" image you guys are going for with him, but i think I already covered fuck him.
2. Iron Man: Umm, Iron Man is already a well established character in the public eye, so not likely.
3. Red Skull: NAZI! 'nuff said
4. Union Jack: Not from America, 'nuff said!
5. U.S. Agent: Isn't he working for the canadian government now? I'm not even going to get into the stupidity of a guy named U.S. Agent working for the Canucks, so let's just leave him out of it.
6. Hawkeye.

HOLY FUCK YES!

Do it, Marvel. Make Hawkeye the new Cap. I mean, what the hell else is he doing right now? Come on, Marvel, don't be a pussy!

Sweet Christmas Coverage! vol. 6

Eh, I give up. Turns out when you go to work on Christmas, you still have to actually work. Can't just waste the day surfing the internet and making hourly blog posts.

Also, I kind of just started watching South Park and forgot.

So, here's one last post for today, with all it's chain-belt wearing glory!

SWEET CHRISTMAS FUTURE!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

Sweet Christmas Coverage! vol.5

Never Forget.

Man, 12 posts in one day is a lot harder that I thought it would be.

Sweet Christmas Coverage! vol.4

Horrible, you say?


yeah, probably so...

Sweet Christmas Coverage! vol.3

Hour 3 is when we learn that Santa doesn't appreciate his so-called "friends"
Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And he's kind of a jerk.

Sweet Christmas Coverage! vol.2

Coming at you again with what is, perhaps, the scariest combination of kitties and Christmas ever!

Sweet Christmas Coverage! vol.1

Twas the morning of Christmas, I was stuck at my work
for no real reason, 'cept my boss is a jerk

Heh. Just kidding Jeff, just needed something to rhyme with work. So yeah, 7AM, here I am. Hungover. Stuck at work. On Christmas. For the next 12 hours. But you know what, Dear Reader? Lucky you, that's what! Because 12 is also the amount of posts i'm going to do today! That's right, today is the perfect day for me to begin my

SWEET CHRISTMAS COVERAGE!

Every hour, on the hour, I'll be posting a new Christmas-themed post for your reading pleasure. First up on the menu?
Kneel Before Klaus!

This panel comes to us from the pages of Badger #70, and from our friends over at Random-Happenstance

Party Girl, The Rita Jones Story

With Christmas day fast approaching, I've decide to take a risk at alienating my readership by reviewing one of my favorite comic publishers in the world. That publishing company? Chick Publications. This company prints those hilariously zany super-religious comic tracts that you sometimes find on the windshield of your car, or being passed out by some nut at the park. Most of them are pretty disturbing, but there's one in particular that will blow your mind with its awesomeness. That story is

So, today, I bring you panel by panel coverage of the single greatest religious comic of all time. Our story begins in the quaint lair of the devil himself, where a party planning committee is in session! 2 weeks before the big party, and you've already loaded the city with drugs and alcohol? Apparently Satan never went to college. I can burn through a city load of beer in a weekend on a bad day. Luckily, they'll still be able to keep the party pumping with some crunchy tunes.
Yes, what could POSSIBLY go wrong? The devil has such a terrific track record up to now, this whole party scheme is a sure thing, right? Right? Maybe not, because...
Oh shit. After receiving a telepathic message from her BFF God, Rita Jones, the worlds foremost old lady, is on the case. She wastes no time making her 3 hour trek across the room to the telephone to call her granddaughter. Getting no answer, she decides to take the law into her own hands.
Apparently, in the rush to get to Jill in time, she completely misses the fact that she's been living in the same apartment as a devil monster for the past 78 years. But she's got no time for that, there's a granddaughter to save, damnit!
That's right. Rita Jones is so badass that Satan himself sees her as an immediate threat. Chuck Norris sleeps with a picture of Rita Jones next to his bed.
I LOVE to part here... This is my FAVORITE spot! Right here next to this creepy fat guy in a mask.
You know, I don't think I even need to point out the redundancy of his choice in costumes.

Yes, when looking for a single person in the midst of a large Mardi Gras-esque street festival, the best mode of operations is to ask the young cross-eyed boy which way to go. Speaking of which, where are that boy's parents?
Saving you from years of emotional scarring and therapy to recover from the horrors of date rape, that's what!
Yes, no sense in letting one single cosmopolitan go to waste. Good thing we had you around to act as our voice of reason, Fat Weird Al.
Sure, the drink killed him. But nobody notices how much weight he lost! I'd say that's fair exchange. Also, Jill, you're a grown woman who was flirting with a fat, greasy man in a mask while you were wearing some strange snake headdress in public and you're only embarrassed now?
I stand corrected. Apparently stupid headdresses are all the rage with the kids these days.
Honestly, I've got nothing for this one...
She said, as she stifled a yawn.

Am I the only one who notices what appears to be Ray Charles, Queen Latifah, and the Pope walking around at Satan's party? The next few panels are strictly about the story of Jesus, which I'm sure we've all heard before, so I left it out.

Good lord, Jill. For some reason I don't think that nasty granny incest is exactly what God has in mind.


So remember kids, drugs and alcohol aren't the only way to have a good time and should be used only in moderation. Also, don't talk to fat guys in masks because they are probably in cahoots with the devil.

What I Learned From My Comics This Week...

So, I got a bit of a late start on my new comics buying experience. But, I've finally gotten around to reading this crop. And, well I've made a startling discovery. It came after reading this weeks entry into the Messiah CompleX story arc, New X-Men #45

What is this startling revelation you ask? Well, brace yourself for this one, because it is a bit of a shocker.

New X-Men artist Humberto Ramos has never seen an actual woman ever before in his entire life. EVER!

The man is at a complete and total loss for how the anatomy of a female face is actually supposed to look. Let's take a peek at a few examples.

Here we see X-23. Looks pretty normal. 2 eyes, a mouth, even an arm. But, what the fuck is that thing on her face? Is she a snowman? Is X-23 some kind of pretty birdie? I guess it's supposed to be a nose. I dunno, I like the bird idea better.

I just... I just don't know what to say about this one. So much is wrong about this picture, I have to assume that Ramos is either:

A) Blind
B) A shut-in, who has never had a face-to-face interaction with another human being who looks something like this
Last but not least, we step away from X-23 to look at the other half of that big fight scene, Lady DeathstrikeApparently, her mutant power not only gave her claw fingers, but also altered the composition of her mouth so that she only has one gigantic tooth in the front. Guess what guys? Mouths don't actually look like that.

Humberto, if you want, send me your address and I'll mail you some pictures of ladies to, erm, 'study'.

You mean like rhubarb? Or....

Here's your Out-Of-Context panel of the day.

Apocalypse presents: The Batender's Bible, vol 1

Greeting True Believer! If you're reading this, it can only mean that you're the newest recruit here at Apocalypse's Bar and Grill. I'll be training you here at the bar until you get the hang of things. Let's get you started by going through:

The Bartender's Bible, featuring

Since it's your first day, we'll start easy with one of our bar's signature drinks. Named after one of the greatest tragedies ever to occur in or around a bar, allow me to present:

_________________________________________________________
DOUBLE BONUS POINTS!

What are Vulture and Apocalypse talking about? I don't know. YOU TELL ME!

[also, this weekend is when I get my camera back, so be ready for a whole slew of new reviews - Rhymin' Ryan]

Late New Comics Day: A.K.A Drunk Sunday Post

Sunday Morning, 1:16 A.M. and I am TANKED! So, time for me to tell you about my new comics I bought this New Comics Day!

Let's start with:
The Order #5: I've talked about the previous issues in a previous Drunk Sunday post. Well, I grabbed this issue, and guess what. It's fucking good! Not to offer too many spoilers for those of you who haven't read yet, but I hope for characters with kinetokinesis (Latin for Movement Movement) to come up in the future. That's not a typo, kinetokinesis is the same word just repeated. make your own judgement there.

My next big purchase was:
Messiah CompleX #6, Uncanny X-Men #493. This issue was almost so good I forgot how much I hate Cable. Honestly, if the rest of the series makes me like Cable as much as this issue did, I might end up buying the new Cable series coming out next year. On a side not, Chris made a good point about the unintentional hilarity about this issue.

Next came:Omega The Unknown #3. This series so far has been kind of iffy for me. Until now I've not been able to determine if I actually liked the comic or not. The reasoning behind that being that it was difficult for me to tell if Jonathan Lethem meant for the writing to be awkward, or if he was just a terrible writer. This issue sealed it. This is a fucking great series. If you're not reading it, you should be.


Lastly, on a suggestion from the previously mention Chris, I picked up:
Suburban Glamour #2. I've yet to read #1 (Galactic Quest was sold out), but #2 has all the slightly awkward charm of Omega The Unknown, while still being grounded sort of in reality. Suffice it to say "holy crap, this is one of my favorite new comics. seriously, just fucking buy it"

OFF-TOPIC:
If you're wondering why i've not done any reviews of comics or posted any scans, it's because I left my digital camera at my grandmother's house while I was there for Thanksgiving. But never fear, True Believer, i'm going back there next weekend and getting my camera back! So stay tuned for many new 25 Cent Thursday posts.

Also, after drinking a large amount of Evan Williams 1783 and then switching to Jim Beam, I learned that Jim Beam tastes like cashew nuts. Seriously, try it.

Comic Conspiracy Theories - Skrull Invasion

Well, after exposing the industry-wide conspiracy to hide my identity as the Mutant Messiah, I've been getting countless imaginary emails from people asking me to turn my investigative journalism prowess towards Marvel's current Skrull Invasion story arc. Imaginary people just like you have been asking me who my bid is on for the next big Skrull reveal. Well...
My money is on Wolverine. Or should I say, SKRULLVERINE! Let's think about it for a second. This guy is freaking everywhere. Not only is he a member of both the X-Men and the New Avengers, he seems to be involved in every bit of marvel continuity ever. How is this possible? Take a closer look at how impossible it is. He's a member of the New Avengers, which is a group of highly-wanted unregistered superhumans who are constantly being sought after by agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. At the same time, he's a member of the X-Men, who live at a school that is currently being patrolled by Sentinels, who keep tabs on everyone who enters/exits the property. What's the Deal? How can he possibly be in two places at once? I'll tell you how.

One of them is a fucking skrull! The big question is, which one?

A private message to Marvel

(This message is intended to be read only by the writers employed by Marvel comics to write the current Messiah CompleX story arc. If you are not one of those people, don't read it. Or read it and just don't tell anybody. Or tell everyone you read it and that it's the greatest. Really, just do whatever you want)

Dear Marvel,
Did we REALLY need to put Cable in this series? I think I speak for many of my fellow comic readers in saying that I could never see Cable again for the rest of my life and not be too upset about that. Please stop ruining good stories.

Hugs and Kisses,
Ryan

(oh, also, if you haven't read Messiah CompleX #5, don't read this message. There's spoilers)

More Conspiracy Proof

Ok, for all you non-believers, I've brought more proof or the great comics conspiracy against me, the Mutant Messiah.

Last night I blogged about how I was going to buy a bunch of back issues of U.S. 1
Today I go to the comic shop to find they have no issues of U.S. 1

Coincidence? I think not, Mr. Logic.

The great pilgrim conspiracy

No, this isn't a post about this kind of pilgrim, though I have a feeling that he may be related to this terrible conspiracy against me.

I'm talking about the other kind of pilgrim. The kind that wears silly hats with buckles on them. I mean the bad kind of pilgrim!
So, by now you're probably asking yourself, "what is this crazy pilgrim conspiracy against Ryan?". Well, I'll tell you. They don't want me to know what happens next in Messiah CompleX.

I went to my local comic shop today. Messiah CompleX chapter 5 was sitting right there on a table. I picked it up and carried it to the counter and the guy said the worst thing i've heard all week.

"I can't sell you that until tomorrow"

I thought it was bad when my parents told me my little brother had been eaten by a cougar while waiting for the school bus on Monday morning, but knowing that I can't buy comics on New Comics Day makes that seem so trivial.

So, what's the deal? I'll tell you what's the deal. You know those people we call the pilgrims? Do they remind you of anyone else? Let's say, maybe these guys?Crazy, religious group? Check. Loves ruining peoples day? Check. I don't need any more proof than that to make me a believer. The Pilgrims were Purifiers and they made Thanksgiving so that they could track down the mutant messiah in secret. Also it means that I'm the Mutant Messiah! It does! Sweet!

When you're done having your mind blown, you might want to get yourself to a hospital.

Even more U.S. 1

So, I don't mean to harp on and on about this U.S. 1 comic before I have actually read it, but this is important. I was talking with my buddy Chris Sims tonight. The subject of U.S. 1 and all of it's awesomeness came up. This was when I realized it. The main character, Ulysses Solomon Archer, is Bizarro Power Man. Let's take a look:So, there you have it. Coincidence? Perhaps. But I think it's obvious to everyone here that those tight jeans are awesome.

U.S. 1

So, I was reading over at Blogzarro today, and came across a beautiful gem of a comic called US 1. The comic is basically about a guy who drives a semi truck in space or something equally as fucking nuts. Everything about these books screams hilarity, and I cannot wait to go buy them. What makes this comic series sound so good, you ask? Let's look at the cover of the very first issue.
Not only does this comic feature:

A) a man in a headband (twice!)
B) what appears to be a werewolf getting struck by lightning
C) a semi truck driving off of a cliff

It has all that plus HIGH ADVENTURE TRUCKING DOWN THE HIGHWAY! That is what makes this comic undeniably cool. HIGH ADVENTURE TRUCKING DOWN THE HIGHWAY is all it takes to turn a comic from potentially lame to absolutely, melt-your-face-off fantastic! Let's try a graphical explanation.As you can clearly see, Amethyst Princess of Gemworld #10 looks pretty lame (however, it is in fact one of the greatest comics ever written, but we'll save that for later). Looks lame, that is, until you add HIGH ADVENTURE TRUCKING DOWN THE HIGHWAY! See the difference it makes? It works with everything. Try it.

Daredevil Battles Hitler

Greetings Dear Readers,

I trust you all had a fun and eventful time with your family and friends this thanksgiving (unless you are a sad, friendless orphan, in which case I just made you feel terrible). Well, now that I've had an opportunity to recover from a long, turkey-induced coma, It's time for me to introduce you to what is quite possibly the greatest comic cover you'll ever see in your life.

Daredevil Battles Hitler #1

Now, this isn't the Daredevil most people associate with the name (he's the blue/red guy on ther , but really, he's basically the same character. Except instead of being a blind acrobat who beats people with sticks, he's a brightly-colored acrobat who throws boomerangs at Nazis. With me so far? Good. Now, let's take a look at the things that make this comic cover so great. I've taken the liberty of placing some handy labels.
Ok, so you can clearly see there are 4 points to this cover than make it so amazing.

#1 - Words are EXPLODING! Let's face it, on the list of things that are badass, explosions rank at least within the top five. (Just above a shark eating an alligator, but not quite as high as cyborg dinosaurs). Now normally when things explode in comics it's just stuff like cars, airplanes, buildings, and other things you'd expect. However, this comic is so badass that even the words, which are traditionally boring and not badass, are fucking blowing up everywhere! Trusted sources tell me that as soon as you open this comic, a real explosion goes off right in your face. Nobody who reads this comic ever survives.

Sweeeeeeet!

#2 - Giant Hitler. Ok, so we all know that Hitler is pretty much not cool. But, you have to admit, this guy was about as close to a real supervillain as we got during WW2, so to imagine the prospect of a Hitler that is 15 times the size of a normal Hitler, who is obviously about to pounce on your town is just fucking terrifying. However, this also goes to further illustrate how great of a hero Daredevil is. Giant Hitler is basically ready to just surrender to his awesomeness. It's obvious when looking at this cover that if we had really wanted to win World War 2, we should have just sent a clown to Germany to throw a boomerang at Hitler. Think about it, if Giant Hitler is scared of Daredevil, regular Hitler shits himself just knowing Daredevil is on the same planet!
#3 - Scary demon guy just standing there. I don't know what the fuck this guy is supposed to be, or why he's there in the first place, but he's obviously not really contributing to the fight. He's just sitting there staring at you. I think he serves as a warning for people about to buy the book.

Then we come to the fourth, and arguably greatest thing about this cover

#4 - A gun that shoots airplanes. I don't know how much more I need to say about this. It's a gun and it shoots out airplanes instead of bullets. Actually, it's more than just the gun. Let's zoom in on that whole situation.

Is that... oh my, I think it is. Is Archie battling Hitler? With a gun that shoots airplanes? I.... I just don't know what to say about how great that is.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BONUS FEATURE: Cyborg Dinosaurs!

Double Time #2

Well, although I previously mentioned I wouldn't be posting a blog today, I figured why the hell not. Today, dear readers, is the day when I unveil a new feature here on Westchester Is For Lovers. Twenty-Five Cent Thursday! Like most comic shops, my local haunt has a $0.25 rack full of shitty and/or absolutely awesome comics that are either in too bad of condition to include in the back issues, or too off the fucking wall for any sane person to pay more than 25 cents for them. Lucky for you, i'm here to buy them for you. And then, I'll be blogging about my good finds here. Will it be a regularly occurring feature? Kinda. Probably not every week. Just whenever I find a good comic and get drunk enough to post about it. Will it be funny? Eh, probably not. but here it goes!

Today, we'll be talking about one of my favorite quarter rack finds so far.Double Time #2, published by Galactic Press.

Galactic Press is a publisher owned and operated by the fore-mentioned comic shop near my house. Before I talk about this comic, I want to put this out there (mostly in case my buddy Kyle, who owns the store is reading). I've read a lot of the stuff Galactic Press has put out, and I enjoy most of it. This one is just a... let's say special, exception.

Double Time #2 is actually 3 different stories inside one comic. Let's take a look at the headlining story first (since it appears first in the book). Our story opens with two dinosaurs (Parasaurolophus, actually) eating swamp water or something.
Sadly, this peaceful scene is interrupted by a T-Rex chasing two of the protagonists of the story-line. No real explanation at this point about how people and dinosaurs are in the same place at the same time (one can only assume that the greatest earthquake ever known plunged them down a thousand feet below). But, that's ok, because the story suddenly changes to something else. We see what appears to be a bunch of soldiers battling some other dinosaurs. This is where the true beauty of this scene comes into play. What is that beauty, you ask?
Exploding. Dinosaur. Faces. This story has so more exploding dinosaur faces than it does plot. Don't believe me? Let's check the next page. Oh, how strange. We were just talking about dinosplosions, and then there's another one on the very next page. What a happy coincidence. So, after that some stuff happens. We find out that there's a time portal that allows them to get back to dino days or something. They run through it, but the Rex follows. Who cares, none of that is why we're reading. We want more dinosplosions! Well, guess fucking what? They feed the T-Rex a grenade!
This is the best dinosplosion yet because, instead of being like:

"Ew, dinosaur brains everywhere"

They just hang out around it for the rest of the story. Just having a conversation while standing ankle-deep in T-Rex face juice. Best of all, at this most disgusting of all points in their story. Our two original protagonists (who are apparently named "richard" and "gina"*) have a romantic moment.
Greatest Story Ever? Pretty much. But there's still two more stories left in this masterpiece of modern comic bookery. What's next on our amazing journey?
Honestly, this story is fucking boring. To sum it up, post apocalyptic world, two people emerge from a hatch in the ground. blah blah blah. There's some 'deep' comment about how stupid nuclear war is. Basically what I'm saying is no dinosplosions. However we do get this gem of a panel:Awwww Yeah! I think you guys know what that means. In case you missed it, let's zoom in...

Again, I state: Awwww Yeah! That is the kind of "hand on the ass, gazing lovingly through the facemask" action that says:

"If we weren't wearing the spacesuits (and if we were living in a life-supporting, non-radioactive atmosphere) we'd totally be knocking space-boots right now."

It's so hot I'm tempted to go write Alen/Eva fan fiction right now. Other than that, not much of interest. Moving on, we get to the third and final story of the comic.The Tower is yet another post-apocalyptic storyline. This one centers around some guy who lives in a tower with a bunch of guns and shoot radioactive mutants for fun. Then one day, as he's looking through some fancy viewfinder (which, i'm not going to point out, is really sophisticated technology for something that survived a nuclear war) (oh shit, i just pointed it out). Good Lord, indeed sir. A girl, which is pretty much better than gold in the post-apocalyptic world. So he runs out there and kills him some mutants and brings this lady back to..
for some Alen/Eva style lovin. She grabs her boobs (no really. check it)They make outbut, Oh Shit!, then this happens!he's left with no choice but to bust a cap (i guess that counts as a boobsplosion?)
she falls off

and then, he stifles Manly Tears!THE END!

The hardest part about that last story was figure out which panels not to include. The whole story is just so great. It's like if Frank Miller published a comic that he wrote and drew in 7th grade detention (except significantly less homoerotic).

In conclusion. I don't know who this James Allen guy is who wrote this comic, but I want to thank him. Thank you for writing such a wonderful comic. It brings me so many great laughs every time I read it, even if that's not what you intended when you wrote it. I know I picked it to hell, but I really do think this is one of the greatest comics I own.

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody.

* = I swear to god, I did not make up the fact that the two main characters names can be read as "Dick" and "Gina"