it's 2008, bitches!

Well, it's midnight i'm stuck sitting here in my office on new years day. Not supposed to get off work for a few more hours. Oh, also, It's a new fucking year, mother fuckers!

So, what is a comic blogger to do on new years? Why, make resolutions of course. So, here they are, my:

Comic blogging resolutions for 2008!

1. Stop using so many stupid tags on my posts. Seriously, I have like, a zillion of them that I've only really used once. I need to narrow it down to about 10-15 good ones.

2. Stop talking so much smack about Bendis. I mean, sure he sucks out loud, but that doesn't mean I have to talk about it all the time, right? But if I'm going to stop doing that i'll have to...

3. Stop buying New Avengers and Mighty Avengers. I mean, am I the only one who has no fucking clue what the hell is going on in Mighty Avengers? Every time I read an issue, I feel like half the comic accidentally fell out of the book. Or, perhaps someone stole it!

4. Do anything I can to track down and subsequently write a short story about the guy from Brooklyn who, last night, found my blog by googling "wolverine nude", and then proceeded to further search my blog for the word "nude". Subsequently...

5. Make many more posts about wolverine, as it seems that 75% of all my web traffic comes in the form of people looking for pictures of wolverine on google.

6. Get off my lazy ass and finally get working on that Amazing Bag-Man costume I've been thinking about making for years.

7. And, finally, buy and read every possible issue of any comic containing The Badger. I just finished reading Badger Saves The World #1, and it is so damn good. You should read it too.

What about you? What are YOUR resolutions?


Drunken Comic Conspiract Theory - WHAT THE FUCK?!

Hey, you guys remember that time I got drunk and blogged about comics? Today, in memory of that one time, I decided to get drunk and blog. About comics. Kinda.

First and foremost, I'm happy to announce that WIFL is the #1 google and yahoo search results for "kinetokinesis". But aside from that, I bought some comics today!

So yeah, comics came out yesterday, but I had to tend to a sick girlfriend, so I wasn't able to make it to the comic shop until today. And, guess what? The new Messiah CompleX is FUCKING SOLD OUT!

IN ONE FUCKING DAY! I mean, what the hell, man, seriously?!? Obviously, this is just another plot by the Purifiers in their insidious conspiracy against me. I was afraid it would happen, and I was right. It seems this thing goes all the way to the top.

God himself is in on it. He sent his only son to earth to delay my comics, knowing damn well that my girlfriend would get sick the day they came out. I'm on to you, God! Also...


I read Captain America #33. and I just have to say, "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, MARVEL?". Bucky? REALLY? Come on! I think we all know that's a fucking cop-out. I mean, I'm okay with being wrong in my initial comic conspiracy theory about spider-man being the new Cap, but can't we be more original that Bucky? Let's look at our other options you gave us to choose from (after you narrowed it down to 6 people, that is)

1. Bucky: Fuck him. Now, don't get me wrong, I like this new "badass, totally not a young gay kid who serves no purpose but to get captured and make Captain American rescue him" image you guys are going for with him, but i think I already covered fuck him.
2. Iron Man: Umm, Iron Man is already a well established character in the public eye, so not likely.
3. Red Skull: NAZI! 'nuff said
4. Union Jack: Not from America, 'nuff said!
5. U.S. Agent: Isn't he working for the canadian government now? I'm not even going to get into the stupidity of a guy named U.S. Agent working for the Canucks, so let's just leave him out of it.
6. Hawkeye.


Do it, Marvel. Make Hawkeye the new Cap. I mean, what the hell else is he doing right now? Come on, Marvel, don't be a pussy!


Sweet Christmas Coverage! vol. 6

Eh, I give up. Turns out when you go to work on Christmas, you still have to actually work. Can't just waste the day surfing the internet and making hourly blog posts.

Also, I kind of just started watching South Park and forgot.

So, here's one last post for today, with all it's chain-belt wearing glory!



Sweet Christmas Coverage! vol.5

Never Forget.

Man, 12 posts in one day is a lot harder that I thought it would be.

Sweet Christmas Coverage! vol.4

Horrible, you say?

yeah, probably so...

Sweet Christmas Coverage! vol.3

Hour 3 is when we learn that Santa doesn't appreciate his so-called "friends"
Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And he's kind of a jerk.

Sweet Christmas Coverage! vol.2

Coming at you again with what is, perhaps, the scariest combination of kitties and Christmas ever!

Sweet Christmas Coverage! vol.1

Twas the morning of Christmas, I was stuck at my work
for no real reason, 'cept my boss is a jerk

Heh. Just kidding Jeff, just needed something to rhyme with work. So yeah, 7AM, here I am. Hungover. Stuck at work. On Christmas. For the next 12 hours. But you know what, Dear Reader? Lucky you, that's what! Because 12 is also the amount of posts i'm going to do today! That's right, today is the perfect day for me to begin my


Every hour, on the hour, I'll be posting a new Christmas-themed post for your reading pleasure. First up on the menu?
Kneel Before Klaus!

This panel comes to us from the pages of Badger #70, and from our friends over at Random-Happenstance


Party Girl, The Rita Jones Story

With Christmas day fast approaching, I've decide to take a risk at alienating my readership by reviewing one of my favorite comic publishers in the world. That publishing company? Chick Publications. This company prints those hilariously zany super-religious comic tracts that you sometimes find on the windshield of your car, or being passed out by some nut at the park. Most of them are pretty disturbing, but there's one in particular that will blow your mind with its awesomeness. That story is

So, today, I bring you panel by panel coverage of the single greatest religious comic of all time. Our story begins in the quaint lair of the devil himself, where a party planning committee is in session! 2 weeks before the big party, and you've already loaded the city with drugs and alcohol? Apparently Satan never went to college. I can burn through a city load of beer in a weekend on a bad day. Luckily, they'll still be able to keep the party pumping with some crunchy tunes.
Yes, what could POSSIBLY go wrong? The devil has such a terrific track record up to now, this whole party scheme is a sure thing, right? Right? Maybe not, because...
Oh shit. After receiving a telepathic message from her BFF God, Rita Jones, the worlds foremost old lady, is on the case. She wastes no time making her 3 hour trek across the room to the telephone to call her granddaughter. Getting no answer, she decides to take the law into her own hands.
Apparently, in the rush to get to Jill in time, she completely misses the fact that she's been living in the same apartment as a devil monster for the past 78 years. But she's got no time for that, there's a granddaughter to save, damnit!
That's right. Rita Jones is so badass that Satan himself sees her as an immediate threat. Chuck Norris sleeps with a picture of Rita Jones next to his bed.
I LOVE to part here... This is my FAVORITE spot! Right here next to this creepy fat guy in a mask.
You know, I don't think I even need to point out the redundancy of his choice in costumes.

Yes, when looking for a single person in the midst of a large Mardi Gras-esque street festival, the best mode of operations is to ask the young cross-eyed boy which way to go. Speaking of which, where are that boy's parents?
Saving you from years of emotional scarring and therapy to recover from the horrors of date rape, that's what!
Yes, no sense in letting one single cosmopolitan go to waste. Good thing we had you around to act as our voice of reason, Fat Weird Al.
Sure, the drink killed him. But nobody notices how much weight he lost! I'd say that's fair exchange. Also, Jill, you're a grown woman who was flirting with a fat, greasy man in a mask while you were wearing some strange snake headdress in public and you're only embarrassed now?
I stand corrected. Apparently stupid headdresses are all the rage with the kids these days.
Honestly, I've got nothing for this one...
She said, as she stifled a yawn.

Am I the only one who notices what appears to be Ray Charles, Queen Latifah, and the Pope walking around at Satan's party? The next few panels are strictly about the story of Jesus, which I'm sure we've all heard before, so I left it out.

Good lord, Jill. For some reason I don't think that nasty granny incest is exactly what God has in mind.

So remember kids, drugs and alcohol aren't the only way to have a good time and should be used only in moderation. Also, don't talk to fat guys in masks because they are probably in cahoots with the devil.

What I Learned From My Comics This Week...

So, I got a bit of a late start on my new comics buying experience. But, I've finally gotten around to reading this crop. And, well I've made a startling discovery. It came after reading this weeks entry into the Messiah CompleX story arc, New X-Men #45

What is this startling revelation you ask? Well, brace yourself for this one, because it is a bit of a shocker.

New X-Men artist Humberto Ramos has never seen an actual woman ever before in his entire life. EVER!

The man is at a complete and total loss for how the anatomy of a female face is actually supposed to look. Let's take a peek at a few examples.

Here we see X-23. Looks pretty normal. 2 eyes, a mouth, even an arm. But, what the fuck is that thing on her face? Is she a snowman? Is X-23 some kind of pretty birdie? I guess it's supposed to be a nose. I dunno, I like the bird idea better.

I just... I just don't know what to say about this one. So much is wrong about this picture, I have to assume that Ramos is either:

A) Blind
B) A shut-in, who has never had a face-to-face interaction with another human being who looks something like this
Last but not least, we step away from X-23 to look at the other half of that big fight scene, Lady DeathstrikeApparently, her mutant power not only gave her claw fingers, but also altered the composition of her mouth so that she only has one gigantic tooth in the front. Guess what guys? Mouths don't actually look like that.

Humberto, if you want, send me your address and I'll mail you some pictures of ladies to, erm, 'study'.


Apocalypse presents: The Batender's Bible, vol 1

Greeting True Believer! If you're reading this, it can only mean that you're the newest recruit here at Apocalypse's Bar and Grill. I'll be training you here at the bar until you get the hang of things. Let's get you started by going through:

The Bartender's Bible, featuring
Since it's your first day, we'll start easy with one of our bar's signature drinks. Named after one of the greatest tragedies ever to occur in or around a bar, allow me to present:

What are Vulture and Apocalypse talking about? I don't know. YOU TELL ME!

[also, this weekend is when I get my camera back, so be ready for a whole slew of new reviews - Rhymin' Ryan]


Late New Comics Day: A.K.A Drunk Sunday Post

Sunday Morning, 1:16 A.M. and I am TANKED! So, time for me to tell you about my new comics I bought this New Comics Day!

Let's start with:
The Order #5: I've talked about the previous issues in a previous Drunk Sunday post. Well, I grabbed this issue, and guess what. It's fucking good! Not to offer too many spoilers for those of you who haven't read yet, but I hope for characters with kinetokinesis (Latin for Movement Movement) to come up in the future. That's not a typo, kinetokinesis is the same word just repeated. make your own judgement there.

My next big purchase was:
Messiah CompleX #6, Uncanny X-Men #493. This issue was almost so good I forgot how much I hate Cable. Honestly, if the rest of the series makes me like Cable as much as this issue did, I might end up buying the new Cable series coming out next year. On a side not, Chris made a good point about the unintentional hilarity about this issue.

Next came:Omega The Unknown #3. This series so far has been kind of iffy for me. Until now I've not been able to determine if I actually liked the comic or not. The reasoning behind that being that it was difficult for me to tell if Jonathan Lethem meant for the writing to be awkward, or if he was just a terrible writer. This issue sealed it. This is a fucking great series. If you're not reading it, you should be.

Lastly, on a suggestion from the previously mention Chris, I picked up:
Suburban Glamour #2. I've yet to read #1 (Galactic Quest was sold out), but #2 has all the slightly awkward charm of Omega The Unknown, while still being grounded sort of in reality. Suffice it to say "holy crap, this is one of my favorite new comics. seriously, just fucking buy it"

If you're wondering why i've not done any reviews of comics or posted any scans, it's because I left my digital camera at my grandmother's house while I was there for Thanksgiving. But never fear, True Believer, i'm going back there next weekend and getting my camera back! So stay tuned for many new 25 Cent Thursday posts.

Also, after drinking a large amount of Evan Williams 1783 and then switching to Jim Beam, I learned that Jim Beam tastes like cashew nuts. Seriously, try it.


Comic Conspiracy Theories - Skrull Invasion

Well, after exposing the industry-wide conspiracy to hide my identity as the Mutant Messiah, I've been getting countless imaginary emails from people asking me to turn my investigative journalism prowess towards Marvel's current Skrull Invasion story arc. Imaginary people just like you have been asking me who my bid is on for the next big Skrull reveal. Well...
My money is on Wolverine. Or should I say, SKRULLVERINE! Let's think about it for a second. This guy is freaking everywhere. Not only is he a member of both the X-Men and the New Avengers, he seems to be involved in every bit of marvel continuity ever. How is this possible? Take a closer look at how impossible it is. He's a member of the New Avengers, which is a group of highly-wanted unregistered superhumans who are constantly being sought after by agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. At the same time, he's a member of the X-Men, who live at a school that is currently being patrolled by Sentinels, who keep tabs on everyone who enters/exits the property. What's the Deal? How can he possibly be in two places at once? I'll tell you how.

One of them is a fucking skrull! The big question is, which one?