Daredevil Annual #1

So, as I mentioned in my last post, today (like all good Wednesdays) is new comic day. That being the day that it is, I bought me some new comics. One of those new comics happened to be Daredevil Annual #1.So, you may be asking yourself, "Ok, Ryan, so you bought a comic. What's the sweet god damn deal?". Well, my friends, the sweet god damn deal is that this comic is cooler than solid gold fountain of magical poo poo. And that's pretty sweet. Just ask this guy.

See the excitement? The magical poo poo gleam in his eyes? That is a face you can trust. Magical poo poo fountains are pretty sweet indeed. But this comic is even better than that! It's like Solid Gold Fountain of Magical Poo Poo 2099!

Now, i've been a fan of Daredevil ever since I was just a wee lad. I even stuck with him after that whole "Ben Affleck" incident. We have that kind of friendship. I watch his back, he watc- listens to mine. We're tight. So, I saw that this came out, and I bought it. The writing was good, I like the whole plot point of Daredevil having the flu through the whole issue and how it really humanizes the character. But i'm not here to be a serious critic and read into things like some sort of Monsieur Intelligentpantalons. I'm here to talk about the coolest motherfucker in the book. Black Tarantula.Why the fuck have I never heard of this guy before? From what I can tell, he's only been in something like 14 comics, which is a surprise because he is a complete and total badass. Like, picture is Peter Parker and Frank Castle had some weird love child, who for some reason was spanish, that would be Black Tarantula. In fact, at least as far as his character in this book, he is almost exactly like a hispanic version of the Punisher.

Black Tarantula is so badical he wouldn't even need to actually fight people to make them stop being criminals. I think it would go something like this.

Thug: Give me the purse, lady!
Old Lady: Help! Help! This ruffian is trying to steal my purse!
Black Tarantula: Hey, uh, what's going on here?
Thug: Oh, uh, hey Black Tarantula. I'm just uh, returning this ladies purse to her.
Black Tarantula: Really? Because it kinda sounded like maybe you were trying to steal it from her.
Thug: Me? No. I mean, I thought about stealing it. But you've really shown me the errors of my criminal lifestyle. I've decided to go back to school and try to get my GED. Then try to get a job working at the Wal-Mart or something. You know, really just get my life back on track.
Black Tarantula: Yeah? I'm really happy to hear that. You make me proud.

And then he kicks that thugs ass. Just for fun. That's how badass he is. He pats the kid on the back and gives him a big hug, then he just punches that dude right in the fucking mouth. Blood goes everywhere. The thug is left just lying there in a big, bloody heap in the alley while Black Tarantula helps that little old lady across the street.

Old Lady: Why, thank you, young man

I guess what I'd getting at is, 'Why is there no Black Tarantula series yet?'. There are so many possibilities for awesome team-ups with this guy. Now that he's trying to clean up the streets, he can team up with practically any hero. He's a good guy, so by default he can fight along-side Spider-Man and Wolverine (it's pretty much required), but his pension for violence would suit him easily with the Punisher for a while.

The possibilities are out there, i'm just saying. Come on Marvel, don't be a pussy.

Saddest Halloween Ever

So, today is Halloween. But it's not just any Halloween. Today is the...
I started working at my current job in January, so I'm not sure what my office's policy is on dressing up in costumes. It's been a tradition of mine to wear costumes every year since I got my first job. Let's take a quick look at my personal favorites in the history of me wearing costumes (unfortunately, I don't have actual pictures in digital form, so I've just had to find pictures of who the costume is based off of).

10/31/2000 - Juan Valdez:

This costume is probably the one that got me in the most trouble. I was working in a restaurant at this point, with most of the cooks being from Mexico or El Salvador. Needless to say, they didn't find a white kid with a big bushy moustache and sombrero dancing around with a can of coffee very funny.

10/31/2006 - Mighty Max:
You guys remember Mighty Max? If you don't, let me describe the joys of this phenomenal toy. Mighty Max was basically a pocket-sized playset where you had a little figure (Max, obviously) who battled werewolves, mummies, giant scorpions, and other scary stuff (WARNING! TWO OF THE PREVIOUS LINKS ARE TERRIFYING, ONE IS ADORABLE! ONCE YOU CLICK YOU CANNOT UNCLICK!). I used to play the hell out of those tiny little playsets as a child, so I decided to pay tribute to it by making a costume based of the main character. Unfortunately, nobody at the insurance company I worked for got the reference, so I spent the majority of that day at work explaining the concept of the toys to people instead of working. Then I got fired. No joke.

So, you'd think, what with losing my job and all, last year HAD to have been the
but it wasn't! This one was far worse!

10/31/2007 - fuck fuck fuck:
So, this year I decided to play it safe. I had originally planned on making a really badass superhero costume, but I feared being that guy. You know, that guy who shows up to the office dressed in the chicken costume only to find that nobody else is in a costume and then they start laughing at him, so he starts crying and runs off to hide in the bathroom. But, oh shit, he accidentally ran into the women's bathroom! and everyone saw it! now he's a guy in a chicken suit who is in the ladies room! shit shit shit! what am I going to do? If i go out there, everyone is going to laugh some more. But if I stay in here, they're just going to wonder if i'm in her crying or something. shit. the guys are never going to let me live this down. fuck. what am i going to do...

and then, to escape the torment, he drank the clorox from under the sink.

He fucking died. That poor man killed himself out of sheer embarassment. And you know what, somebody had to explain that to his wife and son. Little Jimmy didn't know how to cope. He slowly became withdrawn from his mother and began doing drugs. One year later, little Jimmy, strung out on coke, ran headlong into a busy intersection and was struck by a car. His mother, now all alone in a great big house spends her days sitting on the bed staring at a picture of the husband she loved so much, but whom she could never again feel the warm touch of his hands. She will never be the same.

So, i didn't want to be that guy. So, i decided to play it safe and have a costume that would be easy to change into regular working clothes if i saw that embarrassing situations were arising. My choice?
Phil Ken Sebben. The boss from the show Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law on [adultswim]. Basically the easiest costume ever for an office worker to pull off. It's a simple process!

1. Get dressed for work
2. Put on eyepatch

Pretty easy, am I right my friends? Not only that, it means you get to wear an eyepatch! I think we're all aware that eyepatches are the pinnacle of badassitude. But don't take my word for it, ask Dave Campbell. The man will tell you!

Well, I bought an eyepatch the other day at the local costume shop. Costume completed, I didn't think about it at all until this morning arrived. This was when I learned that the eyepatch I had bought from this costume shop was a shitty piece of shit. It broke as soon as I put it on. But, I figured I could fix it when i got to the office. So I put it in my pocket, or at least, I thought I did. But apparently I missed my pocket entirely and put it somewhere in the vicinity of who the fuck knows where.

But, I'm jumping ahead of myself. There was much more suckassness before I got to the office. Because, not only is today Halloween, but it's Wednesday (A.K.A. New Comic Day). Unfortunately, today is
For the past, oh, let's say three weeks, i've been chomping at the bit waiting to get my hands on Avengers: The Initiative #7. According to Marvel, it was supposed to be in stores today.

AVENGERS: THE INITIATIVE #7 (AUG072210)
Written by DAN SLOTT
Pencils & Cover by STEFANO CASELLI
Rated T+…$2.99
FOC—10/11/07, On-Sale 10/31/07
To find a comic shop near you, call 1-888-comicbook

But, no dice. Instead, what Marvel had to offer me today was a big stinky shit pile of nothing. It makes me think that they got my letter (which, i might add, i sent, but i totally forgot to take those pictures of), and Stan Lee personally decided to piss all over my hopes and dreams.

So, no new A:TI, no eyepatch, I'm left at work looking like an overdressed putz.

I wonder if it's too late to declare Doom as my master.

Just a quick second

I'm sitting in my office at work, so I don't have a lot of spare time to make a big long post about funny things. However, I did have a great idea for a comic. Basically the story would revolve around everything you see in this video:

Every issue would include an awesome dance breakdown like you see at 1:16, and superman picking someone up by the crotch, as seen at 2:34. Great Idea? I think so.

What If? #1 (2005 edition)

As I've mentioned before, like all comic fans, I often come up with ideas that I think would be a great comic. It's been like that ever since I was a kid. I'd make up awesome stories and then play them out with my old toy-biz Marvel action figures (which, I might add, they never should have stopped making). Later in life, I would attempt to write them into fan-fiction. Unfortunately, none of my stories involved sex between the characters, so there was really no sense in writing that stuff. This is where things could have split off in two directions. I started a blog to post all this nonsense that comes out of my head. However, if I had any form of talent in the drawing department, I could've made What If? comics. Yes, don't fool yourselves, when you read What If?'s, you are just reading glorified fan-fic. The only difference is the pretty pictures.

I've always secretly held the dream that one day I'd be able to write a what if for Marvel. I like to think that they work in the same way Star Trek did. Just send them whatever and they'll make it into a comic if they like it. Here are some ideas I've had (not including the ones I've blogged about before)

1. What if the Uncle Ben had become the Green Goblin?
2. What if Dr. Doom quit fucking whining all the time?
3. What if Uatu was a lady?
4. What if the new Captain America was Hitler?
5. What if Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were time tripping super-buddies?
6. What if New Avengers #35 had been good?

I like to think those would all make outstanding reads. But that's not what we're here to talk about today. We're here to talk about my favorite comic ever. Not my favorite What If? comic. My favorite comic ever. What is that comic, you ask? Why, it's 2005's What If? #1, you silly goose! The plot is simple. What would have happened if Reed Richards had been a cosmonaut, instead of an American scientist? The four of them go to space, get radiated, get powers, and then form a superhuman team. Except, instead of being the Fantastic Four, they are the Ultimate Federalist Freedom Fighters! Sounds simple enough, right? Well, that's not quite the extent of it's greatness. Let's look at the image from the cover.
So, looking at the cover, we can discern the following facts. If Reed Richards had been a cosmonaut:

• The UFFF would have the most badical looking costumes ever.
• Johnny Storm would be a girl
• Sue Storm would be the drummer from the Velvet Underground
• Colossus would have a completely different origin story.

Yeah, that's right. It's not just some guy who happens to get Colossus' powers, it's fucking Piotr Rasputin. And he has a totally bitchin moustache!

The strangest thing about the comic, though, is that as it progresses Colossus gets dumber and dumber. I don't mean the concept gets dumber, by the end of the issue, he is practically unable to form coherent sentences at all.

But, what's craziest of all is the powers of one mister Rudion Richards (Komrade Fantastik, as I like to pretend he's called). He can teleport parts of his body to other locations. Let's set the scene, shall we?

You're a russian guy, sitting around with some buddies having a drink. Maybe somebody mentions they don't care much for this Stalin guy. All of a sudden, a hand pops up and just punches that fucker right in his russian face. That's when everybody is like "Oh shit, Komrade Fantastik is here. We'd better split, yo." But it's too late, because he's already teleporting body parts around and kicking all of your asses. I have to say, pretty fucking clever. But I would love to hear the comic book science behind it.

So, by now you must be thinking what I'm thinking. Why the fuck haven't they continued this series?

I know! I said the same thing! It's such a badass storyline, that they just have to do it. or if nothing else, I have another idea.

Now, i'm just putting this out there, but this is an open invitation to Marvel. Let me write What If the fantastic four fought the Ultimate Federalist Freedom Fighters? I'm not saying you have to let me, but if you don't you're a big pussy. C'mon, don't be such a pussy, Marvel. I mean, come on.

1602

you know what's a great read? Marvel 1602. It's just fun. There not really much funny in this post. Just wanted to let you know that 1602 is great. Why's it great, you ask? It's great because it has all the big name marvel characters interacting in one series. It's kind of like Secret Wars, but without all the interesting fighting and whatnot. Sure, that doesn't sound very exciting, but get this. Spider-Man is in this fucking thing, but his name is Peter Parquagh! It's all frenchy! Ain't that great? Why, yes, it certainly is. Granted, i've only made it about halfway through issue #2.

Yup, still drunk.

Another drunken post, or a letter to marvel

so, tonight i wrote a letter..

Dear Marvel,

Let me begin by thanking you for all the truly entertaining and masterfully written comics you have put out over the years, as well as the ones written by Brian Michael Bendis. I have been a lifelong fan of Marvel comics, and will continue to read until I am ultimately sucked into an alternate time-stream. I have always considered your company to be the superior comic publisher, and have gladly spent money purchasing your comics, video games, and other merchandise.

However, recently, I have become concerned that perhaps I’m not contributing enough. I recently purchased a copy of the Essential Classic X-Men Volume 2 trade paperback, and was shocked to find that after only 3 days of owning it, the glue of the binding had given and the cover had fallen off. This frightens me. I had been under the impression that, since your company invents durable materials like Adamantium, you had stockpiles of it available to create sturdy book bindings. However, now I realize that this is not the case. I can only assume that my worst fears have been realized, and you’ve wasted so much money publishing the New Avengers series that you can no longer afford proper glue for your trade paperbacks.

Enclosed, please find a one dollar bill. I am sending this in hopes that it will allow you more financial means to purchase a new bottle of Elmer’s® Glue. I know it isn’t much, but it is all I have left to give after spending the other $3.40 of my $4.40 weekly paycheck on a copy of New Avengers #34 and one postage stamp. I hope that my contribution has helped you in your time of financial struggle. Thank you for the years of great comics, except New Avengers.

Ryan W. Eldridge

Westchesterisforlovers

Yep, I wrote that. Sure, I may have had too much scotch tonight, but everything in that letter is true (except for the $4.40 paycheck, i'm actually a multi-billionaire who has a double life as a superhero). Tomorrow, i'm going to mail it out. Don't want to believe I'm going to do it? Just wait until tomorrow, when I post the pictures of that whole mailing-the-letter situation. Let's just hope Marvel isn't too much of a fucking pussy to respond to my offer of aide. And, hell, if they were, at least it will give some poor shmuck at Marvel HQ a good laugh and a free dollar.

P.S. scotch tastes like doo doo.

P.P.S. I probably drink too much.

P.P.P.S. Yup. definitely too much.

drunken comic conspiracy theories

Ok, fair warning. I have had a whole fucking lot to drink tonight. But, hear me out.. So, in Avengers: The Initiative #7, there's going to be the big showdown between Scarlet Spiders and Spider-Man. Everyone is freakig the fuck out because "OMG, it's listed as pre-One-More-Day is spider-man going to get killed?"

Here's the answer. YES!

Spider-Man is going to 'die', but in January 2008, he'll be back. But he won't be dressed like Spider-Man, he'll be wearing a shiny new costume. Notably, a costume that looks something like this:
Yes, that's right. It's not Bucky! It's fucking Spider-Man. Don't believe me? Fine, that's o.k. by me, but we'll see who's laughing in January!

P.S. (it'll probably be you who's laughing, but just in case i'm right, be expecting a nice "BOOYAH!" post!)

Help! I'm Trapped in the Silver Age!

So, New Avengers #35 came out on wednesday. And, like I said before, I was pretty excited to see how Bendis and Yu worked the whole "Venom symbiote bonding to Wolverine" thing. So, I bought the issue. But, even as I walked to the counter of the comic book shop, I had the gut-sinking feeling that this issue was going to be a huge stinky piece of poopy. Guess what, folks? Wolverine doesn't actually appear in this issue (which surprised me, considering my last blog) . All you see of anything related to Wolverine, or symbiotes for that matter, is a one panel shot of a T.V. news channel on the very last page of the issue.

Turns out, the whole comic is just a bunch of lame baddies sitting around talking. Sure, there is a little bit of action, but not much. Let's do the math!

Talking/Otherwise Boring Stuff: 77 Panels
Action: 33 Panels
Not related to anything from the cover: 109 Panels

So, there you have it. Mathematical proof that Brian Michael Bendis is a douche.

The Secret Life of Wolverine, or Please Stop Making Me Hate Wolverine

I've made it no secret that I am not a huge fan of Wolverine. No, no... That's putting it too lightly. I fucking hate him. And that really bothers me! I didn't always hate Wolverine. In fact, I used to love the character. Remember this guy?
This is the Wolverine I loved. The rough-and-tumble badass with a heart of gold and a costume fancy enough to make you forget he could kill you. Was he mean? Yeah, sometimes. But you always knew that when it came down to it, Wolvie always knew what was important and did the right thing. He was a good guy. One time, I ran into him down at the grocery store. He was buying coloring books and crayons to give to special-needs children at an orphanage (Leinil Yu?). Sure, he knew that the kids didn't know how to properly color or shade things, but Wolvie didn't mind. He loved those kids anyways. He was known by all and loved by all. And with good reason, he was just a plain old great guy. But then, everything changed.

Life is hard in the mean streets of the 616. It's either kill or be killed, and nobody can go it alone. Wolverine knew it was only a matter of time before he'd need a crew to have his back, and so he hopped from gang to gang, eventually settling for a long stint with a rag-tag crew of lovable scamps known as the X-Men. These years of Wolverine's life are largely a mystery, as he kept many secrets about his history and whereabouts from even his closest of friends. It became harder and harder for him to contain his angry outbursts, and he was known to disappear from the X-Men's "crib" for days, sometimes weeks, at a time. It soon became evident that the Wolverine who was known, loved, and respected by the community was gone. Although, no verifiable evidence has been found, many who knew him best said that Wolverine had become addicted to methamphetamine.

He began whoring himself out in order to support his addiction. Making cameo appearances in any comic he could find his way into. He quickly became a major selling point for any failing comic series of the day. If a series had not been selling well, the writers would simply launch a mini-series that involved wolverine and the main character fighting for no real well-defined reason. Covers would generally depict a large image of wolverine with a menacing snarl doing something insane looking. A classing example is the 1988 issue of The Incredible Hulk #340
That's odd... I could almost swear that the title of this comic book says "The Incredible Hulk", but I don't see the hulk anywhere on the- oh, nevermind there he is. Right there reflected in Wolverines claws (which for some reason are as wide as a yard stick and drawn horribly out of perspective). Not exactly what I would call subtle in any way, but it is slightly better than their original concept for the cover:

Eventually it became too much. Only so much pressure can be put on a Canadian-Samurai-Cowboy-Failed Government Experiment-Ex-Soldier-Mutant. Wolverine's drug use increased as his sanity spiraled downwards at an alarming rate. His physical appearance became more and more unkempt, and eventually he even stopped bothering to put on his uniform in the morning. Often, he spent his days wandering in the nude around his dirty apartment trying to find the stash of meth he was sure he had hidden in there weeks before.

When he could not score a fix, he became suicidally depressed. He began to pick fights with anyone who made the mistake of getting too close to him, all in hopes that one day he would eventually be beaten and die. Unfortunately, he was too valuable. A secret society of asshole comic writers continued to augment his mutant healing factor, saving him from numerous fatal injuries, eventually making him virtually immortal.

And that's terrible.

Wolverine was such a great character back when he was just some dude with claws that could kick your ass, but still get hurt. Back when he was just angry, and not some batshit insane butcherer who like to do nothing but cut people and shit. He was the best at what he did, so why did he have to change? What are you going to do, make him better? I think you will see that, logically, that makes no sense. Just can't happen. So stop it.

Here's a great idea, you remember in Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk when this happened?

Let's just rewind back to that point and then leave him ripped in half. Let him die. Or, if you're going to let him keep living, at least make it because of something people wouldn't expect. Something like, oh, i dunno medical science? Maybe there are some genius characters in the Multiverse who could do something sciencey and put him back together. Hell, just give him Professor Xavier's old 'Transistor Legs'. They seemed to work pretty well for him.

Well, there you have it. Another great idea for a comic for Brian Michael Bendis to steal from me. And you know what, I don't think I would mind too much in this case...

Pretty Much Brilliant

As I am new to this blogging thing, I'm not so sure exactly what the proper procedure is for talking about how great someone else's blog is. In fact, i'm almost certain it might be considered a bad marketing decision to tell people to go check out a different blog that is probably far more entertaining than your own. But, fuck that. I read a great post on one of my favorite blogs, and I have to share. This post over at Dave's Long Box, is probably the single greatest idea I've heard lately for selecting new comics. Now I can only wish he had posted this blog earlier, before I got suckered into buying Bendis and Yu's steaming shit pile that is New Avengers #34.

Keep being brilliant, Dave.

Coming Clean

I have a confession to make. It's difficult for me to admit this, but for the past few weeks I've been cheating on my one true love. I've been reading new comics. I'm sorry Silver Age, what we have is so special to me, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, but Avengers: The Initiative is just so damn hot.

It all started around 3 weeks ago. I was at Borders Books to buy a copy of the Classic X-Men #2 trade paperback when, all of a sudden, there she was. Right next to the magazine section, gazing at me from the comic rack, A:TI #5. Now, normally I see a cover like that, with a big World War Hulk label on it, and I just walk right past, but this issue had something special. Right there behind hulk was the fucking Constrictor. My heart said no, but my brain screamed 'OMG!'.


I knew then that I had to buy it. I read it, and I must say, I really, really like it. So, now I've bought all the issues up to this point and have the series on subscription at my local comic shop.

While I was there, I also picked up a copy of The New Avengers #34, just to see how it was. My overall response to most of the issue is a resounding 'eh'. Yu's art is just too scratchy for me. The whole idea of using a few scratchy lines to symbolize shading just looks horrible to me. However, at the end of the issue, I nearly shit myself.

Like all comic fans, I constantly have ideas for comics that I think would be cool, or at least provide a lot of badass fight scenes. One of those that has always been in my mind is apparently coming to fruition in the pages of The New Avengers. While I'm not a big fan of Wolverine, I have to admit the guy is pretty much badass all-around. One of my comic ideas was to have Wolvie get bonded to by venom-style symbiote. Well, I got a look at the cover for issue #35, and it looks like it's going to happen. Unfortunately, Marvel won't let me have the picture to show you, so I'll just have to link it: OMG! wolverine and venom getting all merged!



Unfortunately, if the art is anything like it is in ish 34, it's going to utterly suck. I don't want to say Yu is a bad artist, because this is all I've seen of his work, but this is a pretty fucking bad first impression.

EDIT: Fixed broken link

Freaky Space Babies

What's the deal with Uatu, the watcher? Every time I see this guy, all I can think is

"who thought this was a good idea?"

I imagine the situation as thus: two guys (let's call them Stan and Jack) are sitting around having some brewskies or smoking the dope or whatever menace was endangering our nation's youth back in 1963. They had a great idea for a Fantastic Four comic. How great you ask? Well, luckily I've managed to procure these archaic instant messenger logs from that fated day. Yes, that's right Marvelites, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby used instant messengers years before the personal computer. They are that fucking cool. Let's have a look shall we?

Smilin_Stan69: Dude, what's up?
JollyJackK: Nothing man, just having a brewskie
Smilin_Stan69: Word, I'm smoking the dope. I had a great idea for FF #13. How about they go to Atlantis, but when they get there, it's on fire!
JollyJackK: Eh, that's not bad, but how about something with ghosts? We haven't done much about ghosts.
Smilin_Stan69: Ghosts? I dunno, I think the four are too scientific for all that magic and ghost stuff. Let's do something in space!
JollyJackK: Oh, dude, holy crap. BEST. IDEA. EVER....
JollyJackK: A ghost on the moon!
JollyJackK: and get this......
JollyJackK: space babies!
Smilin_Stan69: holy fuck. meet me at the office in half an hour.


And thus, Uatu was born. And ever since then, he has creeped me right the fuck out. I mean, he's a giant space baby. He lives in an anaerobic environment. How the fuck does he do that? If that's not scary, I don't know what is. Not to mention that he watches everything.

It's not like the guy pops in every now and then to make sure everything is ok. No, his whole purpose in life is to watch us ALL THE TIME! That time you stole 5 dollars from your grandma's purse. Uatu saw that. and he isn't happy about it.
But I think we all see the real creep factor behind Uatu's existence. Yes, dear readers, it is what you're thinking of...

Good luck getting it up with that thought. Next time you're making sticky buns with your self-respecting lad or lady, I want you to think of Uatu with his big, freaky, space baby head. His big, glassy eyes glaring at you from the depths of space with a sick, knowing smile across his mouth. Sure, he could be keeping an eye on the current state of the various wars in the world, but he like to watch you work. It pleases him, and one day he hopes you will grow to love him as much as he loves you.