What If? #1 (2005 edition)

As I've mentioned before, like all comic fans, I often come up with ideas that I think would be a great comic. It's been like that ever since I was a kid. I'd make up awesome stories and then play them out with my old toy-biz Marvel action figures (which, I might add, they never should have stopped making). Later in life, I would attempt to write them into fan-fiction. Unfortunately, none of my stories involved sex between the characters, so there was really no sense in writing that stuff. This is where things could have split off in two directions. I started a blog to post all this nonsense that comes out of my head. However, if I had any form of talent in the drawing department, I could've made What If? comics. Yes, don't fool yourselves, when you read What If?'s, you are just reading glorified fan-fic. The only difference is the pretty pictures.

I've always secretly held the dream that one day I'd be able to write a what if for Marvel. I like to think that they work in the same way Star Trek did. Just send them whatever and they'll make it into a comic if they like it. Here are some ideas I've had (not including the ones I've blogged about before)

  1. What if the Uncle Ben had become the Green Goblin?
  2. What if Dr. Doom quit fucking whining all the time?
  3. What if Uatu was a lady?
  4. What if the new Captain America was Hitler?
  5. What if Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were time tripping super-buddies?
  6. What if New Avengers #35 had been good?
I like to think those would all make outstanding reads. But that's not what we're here to talk about today. We're here to talk about my favorite comic ever. Not my favorite What If? comic. My favorite comic ever. What is that comic, you ask? Why, it's 2005's What If? #1, you silly goose! The plot is simple. What would have happened if Reed Richards had been a cosmonaut, instead of an American scientist? The four of them go to space, get radiated, get powers, and then form a superhuman team. Except, instead of being the Fantastic Four, they are the Ultimate Federalist Freedom Fighters! Sounds simple enough, right? Well, that's not quite the extent of it's greatness. Let's look at the image from the cover.
So, looking at the cover, we can discern the following facts. If Reed Richards had been a cosmonaut:

  • The UFFF would have the most badical looking costumes ever.
  • Johnny Storm would be a girl
  • Sue Storm would be the drummer from the Velvet Underground
  • Colossus would have a completely different origin story.
Yeah, that's right. It's not just some guy who happens to get Colossus' powers, it's fucking Piotr Rasputin. And he has a totally bitchin moustache!

The strangest thing about the comic, though, is that as it progresses Colossus gets dumber and dumber. I don't mean the concept gets dumber, by the end of the issue, he is practically unable to form coherent sentences at all.

But, what's craziest of all is the powers of one mister Rudion Richards (Komrade Fantastik, as I like to pretend he's called). He can teleport parts of his body to other locations. Let's set the scene, shall we?

You're a russian guy, sitting around with some buddies having a drink. Maybe somebody mentions they don't care much for this Stalin guy. All of a sudden, a hand pops up and just punches that fucker right in his russian face. That's when everybody is like "Oh shit, Komrade Fantastik is here. We'd better split, yo." But it's too late, because he's already teleporting body parts around and kicking all of your asses. I have to say, pretty fucking clever. But I would love to hear the comic book science behind it.

So, by now you must be thinking what I'm thinking. Why the fuck haven't they continued this series?

I know! I said the same thing! It's such a badass storyline, that they just have to do it. or if nothing else, I have another idea.

Now, i'm just putting this out there, but this is an open invitation to Marvel. Let me write What If the fantastic four fought the Ultimate Federalist Freedom Fighters? I'm not saying you have to let me, but if you don't you're a big pussy. C'mon, don't be such a pussy, Marvel. I mean, come on.

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