What If? #1 (2005 edition)

As I've mentioned before, like all comic fans, I often come up with ideas that I think would be a great comic. It's been like that ever since I was a kid. I'd make up awesome stories and then play them out with my old toy-biz Marvel action figures (which, I might add, they never should have stopped making). Later in life, I would attempt to write them into fan-fiction. Unfortunately, none of my stories involved sex between the characters, so there was really no sense in writing that stuff. This is where things could have split off in two directions. I started a blog to post all this nonsense that comes out of my head. However, if I had any form of talent in the drawing department, I could've made What If? comics. Yes, don't fool yourselves, when you read What If?'s, you are just reading glorified fan-fic. The only difference is the pretty pictures.

I've always secretly held the dream that one day I'd be able to write a what if for Marvel. I like to think that they work in the same way Star Trek did. Just send them whatever and they'll make it into a comic if they like it. Here are some ideas I've had (not including the ones I've blogged about before)

1. What if the Uncle Ben had become the Green Goblin?
2. What if Dr. Doom quit fucking whining all the time?
3. What if Uatu was a lady?
4. What if the new Captain America was Hitler?
5. What if Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were time tripping super-buddies?
6. What if New Avengers #35 had been good?

I like to think those would all make outstanding reads. But that's not what we're here to talk about today. We're here to talk about my favorite comic ever. Not my favorite What If? comic. My favorite comic ever. What is that comic, you ask? Why, it's 2005's What If? #1, you silly goose! The plot is simple. What would have happened if Reed Richards had been a cosmonaut, instead of an American scientist? The four of them go to space, get radiated, get powers, and then form a superhuman team. Except, instead of being the Fantastic Four, they are the Ultimate Federalist Freedom Fighters! Sounds simple enough, right? Well, that's not quite the extent of it's greatness. Let's look at the image from the cover.
So, looking at the cover, we can discern the following facts. If Reed Richards had been a cosmonaut:

• The UFFF would have the most badical looking costumes ever.
• Johnny Storm would be a girl
• Sue Storm would be the drummer from the Velvet Underground
• Colossus would have a completely different origin story.

Yeah, that's right. It's not just some guy who happens to get Colossus' powers, it's fucking Piotr Rasputin. And he has a totally bitchin moustache!

The strangest thing about the comic, though, is that as it progresses Colossus gets dumber and dumber. I don't mean the concept gets dumber, by the end of the issue, he is practically unable to form coherent sentences at all.

But, what's craziest of all is the powers of one mister Rudion Richards (Komrade Fantastik, as I like to pretend he's called). He can teleport parts of his body to other locations. Let's set the scene, shall we?

You're a russian guy, sitting around with some buddies having a drink. Maybe somebody mentions they don't care much for this Stalin guy. All of a sudden, a hand pops up and just punches that fucker right in his russian face. That's when everybody is like "Oh shit, Komrade Fantastik is here. We'd better split, yo." But it's too late, because he's already teleporting body parts around and kicking all of your asses. I have to say, pretty fucking clever. But I would love to hear the comic book science behind it.

So, by now you must be thinking what I'm thinking. Why the fuck haven't they continued this series?

I know! I said the same thing! It's such a badass storyline, that they just have to do it. or if nothing else, I have another idea.

Now, i'm just putting this out there, but this is an open invitation to Marvel. Let me write What If the fantastic four fought the Ultimate Federalist Freedom Fighters? I'm not saying you have to let me, but if you don't you're a big pussy. C'mon, don't be such a pussy, Marvel. I mean, come on.

1602

you know what's a great read? Marvel 1602. It's just fun. There not really much funny in this post. Just wanted to let you know that 1602 is great. Why's it great, you ask? It's great because it has all the big name marvel characters interacting in one series. It's kind of like Secret Wars, but without all the interesting fighting and whatnot. Sure, that doesn't sound very exciting, but get this. Spider-Man is in this fucking thing, but his name is Peter Parquagh! It's all frenchy! Ain't that great? Why, yes, it certainly is. Granted, i've only made it about halfway through issue #2.

Yup, still drunk.

Another drunken post, or a letter to marvel

so, tonight i wrote a letter..

Dear Marvel,

Let me begin by thanking you for all the truly entertaining and masterfully written comics you have put out over the years, as well as the ones written by Brian Michael Bendis. I have been a lifelong fan of Marvel comics, and will continue to read until I am ultimately sucked into an alternate time-stream. I have always considered your company to be the superior comic publisher, and have gladly spent money purchasing your comics, video games, and other merchandise.

However, recently, I have become concerned that perhaps I’m not contributing enough. I recently purchased a copy of the Essential Classic X-Men Volume 2 trade paperback, and was shocked to find that after only 3 days of owning it, the glue of the binding had given and the cover had fallen off. This frightens me. I had been under the impression that, since your company invents durable materials like Adamantium, you had stockpiles of it available to create sturdy book bindings. However, now I realize that this is not the case. I can only assume that my worst fears have been realized, and you’ve wasted so much money publishing the New Avengers series that you can no longer afford proper glue for your trade paperbacks.

Enclosed, please find a one dollar bill. I am sending this in hopes that it will allow you more financial means to purchase a new bottle of Elmer’s® Glue. I know it isn’t much, but it is all I have left to give after spending the other $3.40 of my $4.40 weekly paycheck on a copy of New Avengers #34 and one postage stamp. I hope that my contribution has helped you in your time of financial struggle. Thank you for the years of great comics, except New Avengers.

Ryan W. Eldridge

Westchesterisforlovers

Yep, I wrote that. Sure, I may have had too much scotch tonight, but everything in that letter is true (except for the $4.40 paycheck, i'm actually a multi-billionaire who has a double life as a superhero). Tomorrow, i'm going to mail it out. Don't want to believe I'm going to do it? Just wait until tomorrow, when I post the pictures of that whole mailing-the-letter situation. Let's just hope Marvel isn't too much of a fucking pussy to respond to my offer of aide. And, hell, if they were, at least it will give some poor shmuck at Marvel HQ a good laugh and a free dollar.

P.S. scotch tastes like doo doo.

P.P.S. I probably drink too much.

P.P.P.S. Yup. definitely too much.

drunken comic conspiracy theories

Ok, fair warning. I have had a whole fucking lot to drink tonight. But, hear me out.. So, in Avengers: The Initiative #7, there's going to be the big showdown between Scarlet Spiders and Spider-Man. Everyone is freakig the fuck out because "OMG, it's listed as pre-One-More-Day is spider-man going to get killed?"

Here's the answer. YES!

Spider-Man is going to 'die', but in January 2008, he'll be back. But he won't be dressed like Spider-Man, he'll be wearing a shiny new costume. Notably, a costume that looks something like this:
Yes, that's right. It's not Bucky! It's fucking Spider-Man. Don't believe me? Fine, that's o.k. by me, but we'll see who's laughing in January!

P.S. (it'll probably be you who's laughing, but just in case i'm right, be expecting a nice "BOOYAH!" post!)

Help! I'm Trapped in the Silver Age!

So, New Avengers #35 came out on wednesday. And, like I said before, I was pretty excited to see how Bendis and Yu worked the whole "Venom symbiote bonding to Wolverine" thing. So, I bought the issue. But, even as I walked to the counter of the comic book shop, I had the gut-sinking feeling that this issue was going to be a huge stinky piece of poopy. Guess what, folks? Wolverine doesn't actually appear in this issue (which surprised me, considering my last blog) . All you see of anything related to Wolverine, or symbiotes for that matter, is a one panel shot of a T.V. news channel on the very last page of the issue.

Turns out, the whole comic is just a bunch of lame baddies sitting around talking. Sure, there is a little bit of action, but not much. Let's do the math!

Talking/Otherwise Boring Stuff: 77 Panels
Action: 33 Panels
Not related to anything from the cover: 109 Panels

So, there you have it. Mathematical proof that Brian Michael Bendis is a douche.

The Secret Life of Wolverine, or Please Stop Making Me Hate Wolverine

I've made it no secret that I am not a huge fan of Wolverine. No, no... That's putting it too lightly. I fucking hate him. And that really bothers me! I didn't always hate Wolverine. In fact, I used to love the character. Remember this guy?
This is the Wolverine I loved. The rough-and-tumble badass with a heart of gold and a costume fancy enough to make you forget he could kill you. Was he mean? Yeah, sometimes. But you always knew that when it came down to it, Wolvie always knew what was important and did the right thing. He was a good guy. One time, I ran into him down at the grocery store. He was buying coloring books and crayons to give to special-needs children at an orphanage (Leinil Yu?). Sure, he knew that the kids didn't know how to properly color or shade things, but Wolvie didn't mind. He loved those kids anyways. He was known by all and loved by all. And with good reason, he was just a plain old great guy. But then, everything changed.

Life is hard in the mean streets of the 616. It's either kill or be killed, and nobody can go it alone. Wolverine knew it was only a matter of time before he'd need a crew to have his back, and so he hopped from gang to gang, eventually settling for a long stint with a rag-tag crew of lovable scamps known as the X-Men. These years of Wolverine's life are largely a mystery, as he kept many secrets about his history and whereabouts from even his closest of friends. It became harder and harder for him to contain his angry outbursts, and he was known to disappear from the X-Men's "crib" for days, sometimes weeks, at a time. It soon became evident that the Wolverine who was known, loved, and respected by the community was gone. Although, no verifiable evidence has been found, many who knew him best said that Wolverine had become addicted to methamphetamine.

He began whoring himself out in order to support his addiction. Making cameo appearances in any comic he could find his way into. He quickly became a major selling point for any failing comic series of the day. If a series had not been selling well, the writers would simply launch a mini-series that involved wolverine and the main character fighting for no real well-defined reason. Covers would generally depict a large image of wolverine with a menacing snarl doing something insane looking. A classing example is the 1988 issue of The Incredible Hulk #340
That's odd... I could almost swear that the title of this comic book says "The Incredible Hulk", but I don't see the hulk anywhere on the- oh, nevermind there he is. Right there reflected in Wolverines claws (which for some reason are as wide as a yard stick and drawn horribly out of perspective). Not exactly what I would call subtle in any way, but it is slightly better than their original concept for the cover:

Eventually it became too much. Only so much pressure can be put on a Canadian-Samurai-Cowboy-Failed Government Experiment-Ex-Soldier-Mutant. Wolverine's drug use increased as his sanity spiraled downwards at an alarming rate. His physical appearance became more and more unkempt, and eventually he even stopped bothering to put on his uniform in the morning. Often, he spent his days wandering in the nude around his dirty apartment trying to find the stash of meth he was sure he had hidden in there weeks before.

When he could not score a fix, he became suicidally depressed. He began to pick fights with anyone who made the mistake of getting too close to him, all in hopes that one day he would eventually be beaten and die. Unfortunately, he was too valuable. A secret society of asshole comic writers continued to augment his mutant healing factor, saving him from numerous fatal injuries, eventually making him virtually immortal.

And that's terrible.

Wolverine was such a great character back when he was just some dude with claws that could kick your ass, but still get hurt. Back when he was just angry, and not some batshit insane butcherer who like to do nothing but cut people and shit. He was the best at what he did, so why did he have to change? What are you going to do, make him better? I think you will see that, logically, that makes no sense. Just can't happen. So stop it.

Here's a great idea, you remember in Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk when this happened?

Let's just rewind back to that point and then leave him ripped in half. Let him die. Or, if you're going to let him keep living, at least make it because of something people wouldn't expect. Something like, oh, i dunno medical science? Maybe there are some genius characters in the Multiverse who could do something sciencey and put him back together. Hell, just give him Professor Xavier's old 'Transistor Legs'. They seemed to work pretty well for him.

Well, there you have it. Another great idea for a comic for Brian Michael Bendis to steal from me. And you know what, I don't think I would mind too much in this case...

Pretty Much Brilliant

As I am new to this blogging thing, I'm not so sure exactly what the proper procedure is for talking about how great someone else's blog is. In fact, i'm almost certain it might be considered a bad marketing decision to tell people to go check out a different blog that is probably far more entertaining than your own. But, fuck that. I read a great post on one of my favorite blogs, and I have to share. This post over at Dave's Long Box, is probably the single greatest idea I've heard lately for selecting new comics. Now I can only wish he had posted this blog earlier, before I got suckered into buying Bendis and Yu's steaming shit pile that is New Avengers #34.

Keep being brilliant, Dave.