Anatomy of a mascot

As a comic blogger, there are certain unavoidable truths that exist for us all. For example, every comic blogger will eventually have to cop-out and make fun of a Jimmy Olsen comic. It is unavoidable. I haven't hit that landmark quite yet, but it will happen. Another important point in the lifespan of a comic blogger is the act of choosing a mascot. Dave has Deathstroke the Terminator (who, I might add, is comin' after you) (look out!), Scipio has Vibe (who, I might add, is nothing like Dazzler). Everyone has them. Everyone, that is, except me. I decided it was time.

Choosing your comic mascot is a very delicate process. You have to ensure that your mascot is a hardcore badass, while still remaining obscure or silly enough to have kept him out of the mainstream eye until you so graciously bring him back onto the highest pedestal of awesomenitude. The reason behind all of this is to ensure that you can constantly rant on and on about how badass the character is and how they never really got their fair shot at being a major player in the comic book big leagues. This is not a decision to be taken lightly.

So, who was I to choose? I've always had a soft spot for super villains and vigilantes. So, I decided to sit down and write a list of my top choices.

1. Mad Jim Jaspers

This guy is, in my opinion, one of the best villains marvel ever came up with. I've talked about him briefly before (when I teleported him to Earth-52), but I don't think I quite explained the hardcoredness that is MJJ. This guy truly is the unbeatable super-villain. Really. Nobody can just straight-up kick his ass. Sure, they try, but he's just like

"Oh look, pesky heroes again. Good thing I can manipulate reality to my will. Guess I'll turn this carrot into a cloud of anti-superhero death gas"

I might add, that I don't mean a cloud that is against superhero death gas, i mean a big badass cloud of death gas that is outspokenly anti-superhero. He just does that stuff all the time, no big deal to him. That's how MJJ rolls. Unfortunately, he always fucks up and designs some kind of robot that eventually destroys him or opens a rift in the space-time continuum, or something else that is no good for him. Other than that, he's pretty much hands down the most badical, perhaps too badical for me. So, no dice on MJJ as my mascot. Who's next?

2. Hank McCoy's nerdy friend

This guy wasn't really an option. I've just been dieing inside for the past month trying to find an excuse to post this picture of Beast in a shirt that says "SHAZBOT!" on it. Not to mention the fact that they're both wearing glasses while playing baseball! Looks like Mr. McCoy and his nerdy friend are on the bullet train to "my parents are mad because I wore my glasses during the baseball game and then they broke so now we have to buy new glasses for me"ville. Oh well, you live and learn. Moving on.

3. Bushmaster

I wrote this name down on the list. (OK, I admit it, there wasn't really an actual list I was writing on, but it helps add to your experience as a reader!). Anywho, I wrote this name down on the list, and that was when I realized it. This guy was the one. He's exactly what I had hoped for. Let's look at his qualifications:

His name is Bushmaster. This, above all else, should seal the deal immediately. Bushmaster has all the innuendo of the nickname your buddy Chad gave himself at that Alpha Kappa Kappa kegger last week, combined with all the relevance of his powers. Bushmaster sounds like the ultimate ladies man, which totally reflects my personality.

His real name is Quincy McIver. This could make or break the deal, depending on the established badassitude of the person in question. On the one hand, Quincy sounds like the name of that nerdy kid you went to high school with. You know, the one who wore the short-sleeved dress shirt and a bow-tie and had glasses/braces (double points for both). Quincy is the name of the kid who was the president of the backgammon club. He was Belgium in the Mock United Nations. Quincy is not the good kind of nerd who reads comics or hacks computers on the school networks. He is the other kind of nerd. Quincy is the bad kind of nerd.

But, luckily for us, dear reader, this Quincy is not a nerd. He is an uber-badass. Which means he is a prime example of the Universal Theory of Badass Multiplication, which states that if a person who is a badass also has a name that is silly and/or nerdy, that person's level of badassitude is instantly multiplied by a number directly proportional to the silly and/or nerdiness of said name.

For example, let's take a look at this prime specimen:
The Punisher - A.K.A Frank Castle - A.K.A. Francis Castiglione. Yes that's right. A man named Francis just dropped down through your skylight with guns blazing. You were just shot right in your face by a guy named Francis. 'Nuff Said. Moving on to the next entry on Bushmaster's list of qualifications (also not a real list).

I mean, come on, just look at him. The guy reeks of manliness and badass. He has no legs. You know why? Because he doesn't need them. Quincy (the badass snake guy, not the nerd) can kick your ass with both legs tied behind his not having any legs. Badass? Yup, i do believe that's so. But he takes it a step further by becoming half fucking snake! That's not just a silly suit, that tail is a cybernetic implant! The man is literally a cyborg snake-man. I swear, the only thing that could make him manlier is if there was a constant loop of power metal playing wherever he went. I bet if you cut this guy, he bleeds gravy.

Can you think of anyone more badass? Can you? Because, if you can, I know of a certain cyborg snake-man who would like to have a word with you. In Private.