Greatest Comic Ever?

Today, boys and girls, I'd like to introduce you to what just might be the greatest comic ever. I know, I know, I've said that about almost every comic I've ever blogged about, but this time I really mean it. This one takes the cake. Of course, by now, it should be obvious that I'm referring to DC's wonderful biography of child hero Robby Roberts and his fantastic alien power-dial, in Dial "H" for Hero!

Now, the entire run of this premise is absolutely breathtaking, and I could go on and on with you about every single panel from every single issue. But, for the sake of saving space (and providing me with ample fodder for future blogs), I'll only be covering one issue at a time. This time, we'll take a look at Robby's 5th appearance, in House of Mystery #160The premise of the series is a simple one, young Robby finds a telephone dial from space which, when he dials the letters "H-E-R-O", transforms him into 1 out of 1,000 randomly chosen superheroes. Think of it like that new cartoon Ben 10, except a billion times better. Later on in life, the ideas for characters would actually be sent to DC by readers. That means that this comic was both the easiest thing DC ever did ever, and the best piece of fanfiction you can get your hands on.

Before I even get into the particulars of the characters in this issue, I want to cover what makes Robby Reed so great. For starters, he's your average nerdy kid. Glasses, that bitchin' comb-over hairdo, not to mention his catchphrase of "Sockamagee!", which he yells at every possible moment. Robby Reed is everything you love about Jimmy Olsen along with everything you love about Hank McCoy's Nerdy Friend. He's is a fabulously unappealing character, so nerdy it makes YOU want to beat him up.

Ok, so on to the superheroes. This issue supplies us with 3 different heroes, but since we all know who the hell Plastic Man is, I'm going to skip him entirely. Let's look at the hero immediately across the page, Giantboy:What are the amazing powers of Giantboy, you ask? He's grown up. No, really. Giantboy is a boy who is the size of a full-grown adult. Making him just an adult. Not just any adult, though. Giantboy is such a badass that he stole Luke Cage's tiara! Giant boy is so badass he doesn't even have to hit you. He just wraps you lovingly in his arms and then breaks through a wall with his own freaking head. That's how he rolls. But, he's not why I'm talking about this comic. If you think Giantboy strikes fear into the hearts of villains, wait until you lay your eyes on...That's right, King fucking Kandy. Now, I know what you're thinking, but please, let me explain. Don't be fooled by the candy-striped unitard encrusted with hard candy. Don't be fooled by the crown made of lollipops. And especially don't be confused by him sharing a similar name and theme to the patriarch of Candyland. This guy is 100% genuine manly.

Originally, he was going to go under the moniker "Rock Kandy, agent of S.U.C.R.O.S.E.", and hunt down villains with such things as full rock-candy body armor, molten hot chocolate explosives, and an entire platoon of Oompa-Loompas. Instead, he decided to do it the way a real man does. In nothing but on Olde-Tymey bathing suit (which offers the absolute least amount of bodily protection) and armed with nothing but a lasso made of licorice. Still questioning the manliness? Let's do an experiment.

Take a break from reading this, and go buy some licorice. Go ahead, I'll wait...

..You back? Good. Ok, now take a piece of licorice, grab both ends and pull until the licorice breaks. Didn't take much force did it? Of course not, because licorice is just fucking candy. It's not specially designed for the battling and/or lassoing of evildoers. It's made for being delicious to children of all ages. But King Kandy knows how to kill a man with ANYTHING, even just a piece of candy. That's the kind of training you get when you spend 15 years in the jungles of Africa, battling revolutionaries 24/7 with nothing but a pair of capri pants and a pack of twizzlers.

Huh? Oh, that's right, that's not the origin of this hero at all. What was his origin again? Oh right, some preteen kid dialed some letters into a space phone and magically transformed into him. I guess that logically means that preteen kid, and potentially all others in the world, know how to kill you without blinking an eye.

Be Warned.

Marvel/DC Throwdown - Aquaman vs. Namor!

So, i've been thinking lately about the plethora of character styles that exist between the Marvel and DC universes. They've both got badass archer guys (Hawkeye/Green Arrow), super-strong guys who fly around in the air wearing brightly colored costumes (Superman/Thor or I guess maybe Sentry). Then you've got Mr. Fantastic/Plastic Man, Apocalypse/Darkseid, Wolverine/Jimmy Olsen. I think you see the pattern. Everyone seems pretty evenly matched in their ability to kick ass.

But then, when you get to the category of "guys who live underwater", things get a bit hazy. Let me preface this by saying this is not an "Aquaman sucks so bad 'cuz he sucks" post. I genuinely like Aquaman comics. What I am saying is that nobody can deny the glaring differences between Aquaman and Namor. Both rule Atlantis and live underwater, sure. But Aquaman can talk to fish, whereas Namor can't. And Namor, well he... he can fly around on little wings on his feet. So with such vast differences, it stands to reason that one must be better than the other. I am no expert in the undersea arena, so for expert advice, I decided to turn to Westchester Is For Lovers' Senior Aquatic Authority, Aqualad. Over to you Aqualad.
Oh, right, sorry. I forgot, 'Tempest' is a bit touchy about his old name. I apologize, go right ahead, Tempest.
Um.. actually, Tempest, while we're on the topic of names. I thought I told you, it's not 'Aquaman' anymore, it's just Ryan now. But that's ok, it's no big deal. But anyways, who is this guy you're talking about? You know the unbeatable badass who has all your powers AND the ability to fly? Oh. Right...
Thanks for clearing that up, Aqualad!

[Also, a big thanks to my favorite DC blogger Scipio over at The Absorbascon, who provided the Aqualad picture]

Bits And Pieces

Well, it's been a while since my last real post, so I thought now would be the perfect time to shake off this winter vacation mode I've been in and review yet another brilliant masterpiece of comicbookery. This one comes from James Allen, the samce guy who brought us Double Time #2. Ladies and Gents, without further ado, I present:

James Allen
Presents
James Allen's
Bits And Pieces
Now, completely ignoring the obvious hilarity of the title, let's take a look at the rest of the cover. Does it fit all the criteria for an awesome book? Let's see.

Blood: Yes
Bones: Yes
Big Awesome Font: Yes
Chicks With Big Boobs: No
Explosions: No
Dinosaurs/Robots: No

So, the cover is 50% awesome. The book is half perfect and we haven't even opened it yet! That means the entire rest of the book only has to be 50% awesome to make it a classic. So, let's start with our first story.
Good Hunting starts like any good story should, with a guy with a big gun walking around in the jungle. It appears he hired some native guides to take him and his bitchin' mustache on a safari for some big game. Then, on day five...
Holy shit yes! Please tell me those are tracks of what I think they are...
Then all of a sudden!
SWEEEEET! I think we all see where this is heading.

Dinosplosion!

And then, later:

Minidinosplosion!

So, there's story one, and already we've reached 83.33% awesome, since exploding dinosaurs count as both dinosaurs and explosions. Really, we could stop here and just be happy with what we've got, but we're not going to. Because up next is...
Wait? Wasn't this the title of a story from the last James Allen book we reviewed? Yes, it is. In fact, it's the same story entirely, but with a few upgrades. Namely, everyone has huge genitals.
Hell, even Eva has a huge package. What kind of crazy growth hormones do they put in the food in underground bunkers?
Well, let's take another win for James Allen, having successfully created a 100% awesome book. Give the man a hand. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to write him a letter.

Fun with youtube (cop out post)

I came across this on the youtubes. pretty funny stuff, i say.

Comic Conspiracy Theories - New Warriors Movie?

I sure hope Spencer Carnage is reading this one, seem right up his alley.

I got a very surprising email today. Came from an anonymous emailer with the address of "goatcheese47@dodgeit.com" (dodgeit.com apparently being a throw-away email service of some kind). The title was simply "New Warriors Movie", and the email contained 4 pictures. I present them to you with no changes made and no conjecture as to what they represent:

Now, I don't know about you, but that looks a whole heck of a lot like Night Thrasher to me.

Have you seen this new X-Force?

So, if you've been reading Marvel comics over the past month or so, there's a good chance you've come across an advert talking about the new X-Force series. I have to say, I was a bit iffy about it at first, just based on the line-up of team members. Let's take a look at who we've got.

Wolverine: WHAT? He's on another team? What is that now, 4? I think this just goes to further support my theory that he is a skrull. If nothing else, the guy is really passionate about his work. Who's busier, Superman or Aquaman? Answer: Wolverine.

X-23: Ok, so Wolverine AND Lady Wolverine? I don't even know what to say about this.

Wolfsbane: She's a werewolf. Just a werewolf. Which, I wasn't aware could be counted as a "mutant power". But, get this, the chick says stuff like "Ye" all the fuckin time. She's like Thor, but with more hair and a better rack. She's ok in my book.

Warpath: Think Apache Chief without cool "grow powers". Warpath basically just runs around with knives as a mutant power. But, he's got potential to seriously fuck up some baddies, so I gotta say he's ok by me.

Caliban: The coolest mutant ever, Nuff Said. Oh, also he already died, so forget him.

So, out of 4 remaining members, really none of them interest me all that much as far as dialogue/back story goes. But I'm still going to buy it.

Why, you ask? Because 3 of the characters have claws that can slash people up, and the one who doesn't carries around big fucking knives instead. That means a 75% chance that somewhere in this series someone is going to get stabbed right in the fucking face. Also, check out this art:

Pretty sweet, I must say.

it's 2008, bitches!

Well, it's midnight i'm stuck sitting here in my office on new years day. Not supposed to get off work for a few more hours. Oh, also, It's a new fucking year, mother fuckers!

So, what is a comic blogger to do on new years? Why, make resolutions of course. So, here they are, my:

Comic blogging resolutions for 2008!

1. Stop using so many stupid tags on my posts. Seriously, I have like, a zillion of them that I've only really used once. I need to narrow it down to about 10-15 good ones.

2. Stop talking so much smack about Bendis. I mean, sure he sucks out loud, but that doesn't mean I have to talk about it all the time, right? But if I'm going to stop doing that i'll have to...

3. Stop buying New Avengers and Mighty Avengers. I mean, am I the only one who has no fucking clue what the hell is going on in Mighty Avengers? Every time I read an issue, I feel like half the comic accidentally fell out of the book. Or, perhaps someone stole it!


4. Do anything I can to track down and subsequently write a short story about the guy from Brooklyn who, last night, found my blog by googling "wolverine nude", and then proceeded to further search my blog for the word "nude". Subsequently...

5. Make many more posts about wolverine, as it seems that 75% of all my web traffic comes in the form of people looking for pictures of wolverine on google.

6. Get off my lazy ass and finally get working on that Amazing Bag-Man costume I've been thinking about making for years.

7. And, finally, buy and read every possible issue of any comic containing The Badger. I just finished reading Badger Saves The World #1, and it is so damn good. You should read it too.

What about you? What are YOUR resolutions?