In which Ryan reviews the movie 'Pinocchio In Outer Space'

Another movie review? Yeah, it kinda looks like that's the case.


As you can see from that image, this is the greatest movie ever made. Pinocchio In Outer Space was created in Belgium, and then released in North America by Universal Pictures in 1965. It was actually the second animated film that Universal ever released. After this movie they didn't release any more animated films for over 20 years. That's how bad this movie is.

The plot is pretty simple. You know that story about Pinocchio? You remember, puppet gets turned into a real boy, something about noses growing and stuff. Well, this is kind of a sequel. Much in the same way that Weekend At Bernie's 2 was a sequel. Same central characters, but with a plot that really stretches the storyline in a much more awesome direction. In this case, it involves flying around in a spaceship.

We start our movie with a shot of an old lady and a princess with no nose sitting in space-rockers and doing some knitting. I am totally not kidding about this. Apparently space is just as boring as your grandma's house. Anyways, as the two are knitting, they fill us in with the story up to now. Apparently since we last saw Pinocchio, he's been busy being a total asshole to the point where he actually got turned back into a puppet. On top of that, the world is being tormented by a giant, rocket-powered space whale named Astro. Again, not kidding.

We then join Pinocchio as he does his astronomy homework. You know, because that's the kind of thing a puppet who is roughly the equivalent to a 9-year-old would normally be doing, especially at a point in history where there is still high demand for toys cobbled out of wood. Anyways, after a jaunty tune, Pinocchio decides the best way to become a real boy again is to save the world from the space whale. And, like any good, critical-thinking puppet, he decides to do so by learning hypnotism to convince the giant space whale that he is instead a giant space penguin. No fucking joke.

Lucky for him a spaceship lands nearby and he is greeted by his new bestest buddy Nurtle the Twurtle (not to be confused with a turtle, mind you). Pinocchio suggests that he could use his completely untrained hypnosis powers to help Nurtle defeat Astro. Nurtle, in his infinite wisdom, decides to accept Pinocchio's claims at face value and takes the youngster up into space. They go to Mars to investigate some strange atomic radiation. Once they arrive, they locate a city that has apparently just been sitting there on the planet's surface all this time. Then they are attacked by a horde of giant space crabs. After narrowly escaping the giant crabs, they fly over the city until they spot some spaceships, which Nurtle reminds us is proof of an advanced civilization on Mars. Yeah, like the giant spanning space city didn't tip us off.

Upon further investigation, they find some regular-sized sand crabs and some scorpions hanging out in some pits with fancy science equipment. Then, you guessed it, giant space scorpion attack. Shortly after, space scorpion is joined by unidentified giant space lizard who chases him away. At this point, after the whale and the crabs and the scorpion, Pinocchio finally notices that there are giant animals afoot. Pinocchio is not very smart. Oh, wait, now there's also a spider. I'm assuming somewhere on a cutting room floor in Belgium, there are countless scenes of random giant animals being all badass. Really, you can only afford to fit so many of them into this film until it no longer counts as a film about Pinocchio.

Or so you might think. But, then they find themselves face-to-face with a giant space turtle. You know, I think I just figured something out. There are giant animals in this movie. They barely make it to their rocketship and escape, just before the gigantic atomic blast that destroys the entire Martian city. For realsies. But, just when you think our heroes are safely on their way back to Earth, Astro attacks and swallows them whole. Sound familiar? Yeah, it did to me too.

Luckily, the whale comes equipped with a spout, which they fly out of to safety, although they accidentally bend their stabilizer fin in the process, which causes them to spiral uncontrollably. Unfortunately, Astro catches wise to their escape plan and takes pursuit. Pinocchio decides to try his hypnosis skills on the whale. Surprise, they don't work. Luckily, the spinning of the ship actually does hypnotize him. This allows them to tie their ship to his tail and point him in the direction of Earth. Unfortunately, now their on a collision course for our planet, which means Pinocchio has to do the heroic thing by putting an anchor in Astro's tailpipe or something along those lines. Whatever it is, it seems to work. Astro stops, they make it back to Earth and everyone lives happily ever after.

Oh, and Pinocchio becomes a real boy. What a twist!

All in all, a bad movie, but not as unbearable as Shrooms. I give this one 3 out of 5 Torgos.