Freaky Space Babies

What's the deal with Uatu, the watcher? Every time I see this guy, all I can think is

"who thought this was a good idea?"

I imagine the situation as thus: two guys (let's call them Stan and Jack) are sitting around having some brewskies or smoking the dope or whatever menace was endangering our nation's youth back in 1963. They had a great idea for a Fantastic Four comic. How great you ask? Well, luckily I've managed to procure these archaic instant messenger logs from that fated day. Yes, that's right Marvelites, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby used instant messengers years before the personal computer. They are that fucking cool. Let's have a look shall we?

Smilin_Stan69: Dude, what's up?
JollyJackK: Nothing man, just having a brewskie
Smilin_Stan69: Word, I'm smoking the dope. I had a great idea for FF #13. How about they go to Atlantis, but when they get there, it's on fire!
JollyJackK: Eh, that's not bad, but how about something with ghosts? We haven't done much about ghosts.
Smilin_Stan69: Ghosts? I dunno, I think the four are too scientific for all that magic and ghost stuff. Let's do something in space!
JollyJackK: Oh, dude, holy crap. BEST. IDEA. EVER....
JollyJackK: A ghost on the moon!
JollyJackK: and get this......
JollyJackK: space babies!
Smilin_Stan69: holy fuck. meet me at the office in half an hour.


And thus, Uatu was born. And ever since then, he has creeped me right the fuck out. I mean, he's a giant space baby. He lives in an anaerobic environment. How the fuck does he do that? If that's not scary, I don't know what is. Not to mention that he watches everything.

It's not like the guy pops in every now and then to make sure everything is ok. No, his whole purpose in life is to watch us ALL THE TIME! That time you stole 5 dollars from your grandma's purse. Uatu saw that. and he isn't happy about it.
But I think we all see the real creep factor behind Uatu's existence. Yes, dear readers, it is what you're thinking of...

Good luck getting it up with that thought. Next time you're making sticky buns with your self-respecting lad or lady, I want you to think of Uatu with his big, freaky, space baby head. His big, glassy eyes glaring at you from the depths of space with a sick, knowing smile across his mouth. Sure, he could be keeping an eye on the current state of the various wars in the world, but he like to watch you work. It pleases him, and one day he hopes you will grow to love him as much as he loves you.

New comics don't suck

You know what would make me read new comics? Make them shitty again.

When it comes to comics, every fan has their favorite. Some people like Marvel, and some people like DC. Some people really like Modern Age stuff. I, personally, prefer Silver Age Marvel comics. I like them because they're simple, yet they attempt to delve into topics that are more complex. Usually, they do that by very poorly contrived dialog between characters. I love that stuff. There should be more of it in comics today. I stopped reading the new stuff a long time ago because it has just gotten a bit too convoluted for me. Too much drama, not enough getting-your-ass-kicked-by-the-villian-and-then-coming-back-at-the-end-in-victory. Early X-Men is a great example. Every issue of X-Men had the same basic plot. The students are training, then Professor X senses a danger. They go to kick some ass, but find out that this new enemy is a totally flamboyant badass (think about the Vanisher's original costume in #2).

They get their asses kicked, but then one of two things happens. Either they figure out that they have to work together, because teamwork makes a team work. OR, the Professor proves that he's so fucking hardcore and bails them out of trouble yet again. They win and the villian goes away for a few issues. Nobody ever thinks about the villian again, and they just go about their business until some new danger arises. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

However, like all comic fans, I have my pet peeves. My main pet peeve comes in the form of the unbeatable villian. Every good comic franchise has at least one villian that they can never actually defeat. The X-Men have had dozens in their history. Most of the time, the only way they ever defeat this new villian is by pure dumb luck. At the high point of tension, while you sit on the edge of your seat wondering if the X-Men have finally met their match, some fucking aliens show up and take the new villian away. It sounds stupid. Too stupid to have ever been considered a good plot device. But it happened to Magneto in issue #11, and i'm sure it's not the first time.

How about we just stop that. Let's just stop with the totally unbeatable villians. Or, an even better idea. Give them their own comic series. Picture it. An entire universe just for the Mad Jim Jaspers of the world. A place where all the unbeatable villians could go to battle it out and warp reality as they see fit, without any pesky telepathic professors or strecthy scientists to screw up their fun. I'd buy it. I picture the cover of the first issue looking something like this:


Yeah, that's right. It's Apocalypse and Mad Jim Jaspers destroying shit. And you know what a real man does when he's destroying shit? He has a cup of tea. AND HE DOESN'T EVEN SPILL ONE FUCKING DROP! And, just to make things interesting, whenever there is a comic character that just annoys the hell out of everybody, they could get transported into Earth-52 (obviously the most badass earth there is). Getting tired of Ulitmate Nightcrawler? Oh, through some convoluted turn of events, a wormhole opened and he bamf'd into Earth-52. Poor Ultimate Nightcrawler. Dont' forget to take Ultimate Pyro with you!

The awesome potential of this comic is so high that it almost makes me wish I hadn't even thought of it, because now i want to go out and buy it.