The day Chris Sims shat himself in awe. That day is today, ladies and gents.

Some of you may recall my brief stint as a staff writer over at ProjectFanboy.com. In my time there, I managed to get myself signed up on man mailing lists for publishers, etc when they promote new books. Usually it's stuff that's not of much interest to me, but today was a big exception to that rule. Today I learned about the greatest comic since Ayre Force.

Sucka, you'd better believe I'm talking about:

WWE HEROES!

That's right, folks. This comic seems to be about Triple-H, Undertaker, and some guy in a hat* (Sorry, I haven't watched wrestling since the 90's. Wolfpac 4-Life) fighting zombies and a bunch of pissed Talky Tawny knock-offs. I assume they're pissed because the best gig they could get was appearing in WWE HEROES.

Anyway, I hear Mr. Sims is going to be covering this later tonight at Comics Alliance, so I'll let him fill in the real details, but I'll leave you with this actual description from the press release:

Issue #1 reveals an eternal rivalry set against the backdrop of the history of WWE. Why is the ruthless Shadow King so obsessed with WWE? What is the reason for his eternal and supernatural war with the Firstborn? And could his ancient opponent really be a member of the WWE roster?

*UPDATE 02/19/2010 : Further research has led me to know that this man in a hat is John Cena, and that I still totally like wrestling.

Chris Sims is a tool

Communist Liberals like Chris "Baby Killer" Sims will tell you that Senator Barack Obama is the only logical choice for the President of the United States of America.

They'll tell you that John McCain is unfit to run this country.

I say bullshit. Because who wouldn't want a president that can do this?


What's that? You say that's John McClane?

Oh, nevermind then.

(p.s. Vote)

Got this from Church.

Your challenge is to write crossover fanfiction combining Step by Step and Teletubbies.
The story should use unplanned pregnancies as a plot device!

Generated by the Terrible Crossover Fanfiction Idea Generator

This is such a good idea.

I'll have some reviews for the weekly books up once I get over this cold.

Project Fanboy Interview with Troy Hickman

Project Fanboy just posted up my most recent interview with writer Troy Hickman. Here is a copy of the interview for all of you to enjoy. Don't forget to check out the Reviews section of Project Fanboy for the latest reviews by myself and the rest of the staff!

---
Eisner-nominated writer Troy Hickman took a few seconds out of his busy schedule to answer some questions surrounding his recent win of Top Cow's Pilot Season contest, and his upcoming series Twilight Guardian (due out in late 2009).

Ryan Eldridge: The Twilight Guardian seems to be the exact opposite of everything one would expect from a super-hero character. What was the inspiration for the character?

Troy Hickman: Gosh, I hope she's not the exact opposite, or she'll be out there committing crimes! You have a point, though; she doesn't really follow the standard superhero template. Twilight Guardian has some inner urge that drives her to patrol the streets at night, even though she's not necessarily going to encounter Arnim Zola or the Ultra-Humanite (and if she does we'll undoubtedly be getting a cease and desist letter!). The inspiration for her comes from my own sleepless nights walking the streets of suburbia, and from all the quirky but compelling folks I've met along the way.

RE: The character herself actually comes from another series you self-published. Why don't you tell our readers a bit about that book and what lead you to bring the character to Top Cow.

TH: Twilight Guardian first appeared in my Tales of the Pathetic Club series, which dealt with people suffering from various manifestations of obsessive-compulsive disorders. The series was semi-autobiographical, as I've had some experience with OCD myself. Top Cow was interested in TG some years back when they contacted me about doing my Common Grounds series, but she sat on the shelf for a few years until Pilot Season provided the proper time and opportunity for her to return. The script for the Top Cow version of TG was basically an amalgam of her Pathetic Club appearance and the one-shot spin-off I did with her in 1995, with a bit of new material added, such as the parody comic pages.

RE: One of my favorite characters from the Pathetic Club books was Dr. Stein, any chance we're going to be seeing any of him in this series?

TH: No, probably not in this series, as the Pathetic Club stuff was not included in the Twilight Guardian deal. I would like to eventually do a recreation of it, though, in the same way I've done with Holey Crullers/Common Grounds and Twilight Guardian. I'm proud to say a lot of folks really dug that series, and I think it holds up today. I'd prefer to do it as a creator-owned series, though (my first), if Top Cow or someone else is interested (obviously Twilight Guardian would not be included in the new version).

RE: Let's talk a bit about the contest itself. Twilight Guardian developed quite a large grassroots support movement. Did you ever expect people to connect so well with the character?

TH: No, I can't say that I did. I went into this just being happy to have a new book on the shelves. I figured I'd have a nice one-shot that I could be proud of, and that, heck, maybe would manage NOT to come in last if I were lucky. And then the first week of voting came around, and TG was in third position. Since Top Cow was giving the top TWO books a series, I started thinking maybe it wasn't too crazy to believe I might have a slim chance. So I started beating the bushes something fierce, and I guess it worked.

RE: What do you think caused people to relate to her in the way they did?

TH: I think they possibly see a lot of themselves in her. She's a comic reader herself, and someone who's gone through heartbreak. More than that, though, she's looking for something out there, and I'd guess most of us are doing the same in some way.

RE: Your creative team on this book included artist Reza. Was it difficult collaborating across language barriers?

TH: Well, it wasn't too different, really, as pretty much all the "pro" comics I've done so far have consisted of me writing a script, giving it to my editor, then waiting to see the finished art. I haven't been able to really collaborate much yet, and that's something I'm looking forward to eventually. In the case of TG, though, I'm guessing there may have been some additional issues with communication, especially since my script was probably not the most conventional thing in the world, but we seem to have worked it out. I'm overjoyed with Reza's art.

RE: Artistically, one of my favorite aspects of this book was the inclusion of the snippets from fake silver age books. Are we going to see more Mantelope?

TH: We will if I have anything to say about it. Coming up with those pages was one of my favorite parts of doing this version of TG. As I went through the script, I found myself really looking forward to those pages. We'll definitely be looking at more of TG's comic collection in the mini-series, and I've got some other comic-related plans as well. And who knows? Maybe someday I can do a separate series with the likes of Mantelope, Heatnik, the Flaming Flag, and the rest.

RE: Both Twilight Guardian and your Eisner nominated series Common Grounds are based on books you wrote over ten years ago. In the time between, how much have the characters changed for you?

TH: They've actually changed very little. The scripts for the Common Grounds stories are almost verbatim from the original Holey Crullers versions, and Twilight Guardian is just a more developed version of her mini-comic appearances. The characters in both books have kind of a Silver Age vibe, so perhaps they have something of a timeless quality to them.

RE: Have you ever actually eaten a peanut butter and bologna sandwich?

TH: It's my favorite sandwich, and I've probably eaten a couple thousand of them (is it any wonder I'm the picture of health that I am?).

RE: Lastly, you've hinted that you were planning to take this series in a direction nobody would expect. Just between you, me, and the entire internet, are you at liberty to spill any secrets?

TH: Nope! Seriously, though, I think Twilight Guardian is unlike anything else on the stands right now, and I hope to keep it that way. I'll do my best to entertain the readers, and give them something that'll evoke a laugh and maybe a teary eye or two. I think that's the least we should expect out of our comics, and I'll certainly give it my best shot.

----
Many thanks again to Troy for taking the time to speak with us. The pilot issue of Twilight Guardian is available for free at Newsarama.

Sexual Harassment at SDCC: By John DiBello.

John DiBello is a guy who is pretty close friends with everyone's favorite stuffed-animal comic blogger, Bully. Recently, John posted this blog, and asked that his friends do the same. So, I am.

Overheard at San Diego Comic-Con while I was having lunch on the balcony of the
Convention Center on Sunday July 27: a bunch of guys looking at the digital
photos on the camera of another, while he narrated: “These were the Ghostbusters
girls. That one, I grabbed her ass, ’cause I wanted to see what her reaction
was.” This was only one example of several instance of harassment, stalking or
assault that I saw at San Diego this time.
1. One of my friends was working
at a con booth selling books. She was stalked by a man who came to her booth
several times, pestering her to get together for a date that night. One of her
co-workers chased him off the final time.
2. On Friday, just before the show
closed, this same woman was closing up her tables when a group of four men came
to her booth, started taking photographs of her, telling her she was the
“prettiest girl at the con.” They they entered the booth, started hugging and
kissing her and taking photographs of themselves doing so. She was confused and
scared, but they left quickly after doing that.
3. Another friend of mine, a
woman running her own booth: on Friday a man came to her booth and openly
criticized her drawing ability and sense of design. Reports from others in the
same section of the floor confirmed he’d targeted several women with the same
sort of abuse and criticism.
Quite simply, this behavior has got to stop at
Comic-Con. It should never be a sort of place where anyone, man or woman, feels
unsafe or attacked either verbally or physically in any shape or form. There are
those, sadly, who get off on this sort of behavior and assault, whether it’s to
professional booth models, cosplayers or costumed women, or women who are just
there to work. This is not acceptable behavior under any circumstance, no matter
what you look like or how you’re dressed, whether you are in a Princess Leia
slave girl outfit or business casual for running your booth.
On Saturday,
the day after the second event I described above, I pulled out my convention
book to investigate what you can do and who you can speak to after such an
occurrence. On page two of the book there is a large grey box outlining
“Convention Policies,” which contain rules against smoking, live animals,
wheeled handcarts, recording at video presentations, drawing or aiming your
replica weapon, and giving your badge to others. There is nothing about
attendee-to-attendee personal behavior.
Page three of the book contains a
“Where Is It?” guide to specific Comic-Con events and services. There’s no
general information room or desk listed, nor is there a contact location for
security, so I go to the Guest Relations Desk. I speak to a volunteer manning
the desk; she’s sympathetic to the situation but who doesn’t have a clear answer
to my question: “What’s Comic-Con’s policy and method of dealing with complaints
about harassment?” She directs me to the nearest securityguard, who is also
sympathetic listening to my reports, but short of the women wanting to report
the incidents with the names of their harassers, there’s little that can be
done.
“I understand that,” I tell them both, “but what I’m asking is more
hypothetical and informational: if there is a set Comic-Con policy on harassment
and physical and verbal abuse on Con attendees and exhibitors, and if so, what’s
the specific procedure by which someone should report it, and specifically where
should they go?” But this wasn’t a question either could answer.
So,
according to published con policy, there is no tolerance for smoking, drawn
weapons, personal pages or selling bootleg videos on the floor, and these rules
are written down in black and white in the con booklet. There is not a word in
the written rules about harassment or the like. I would like to see something
like “Comic-Con has zero tolerance for harassment or violence against any of our
attendees or exhibitors. Please report instances to a security guard or the Con
Office in room XXX.”
The first step to preventing such harassment is giving
its victims the knowledge that they can safely and swiftly report such instances
to someone in authority. Having no published guideline, and indeed being unable
to give a clear answer to questions about it, gives harassment and violence one
more red-tape loophole to hide behind.
I enjoyed Comic-Con. I’m looking
forward to coming back next year. So, in fact, are the two women whose
experiences I’ve retold above. Aside from those instances, they had a good time
at the show. But those instances of harassment shouldn’t have happened at all,
and that they did under no clear-cut instructions about what to do sadly invites
the continuation of such behavior, or even worse.
I don’t understand why
there’s no such written policy about what is not tolerated and what to do when
this happens. Is there anyone at Comic-Con able to explain this? Does a similar
written policy exist in the booklets for other conventions (SF, comics or
otherwise) that could be used as a model? Can it be adapted or adapted, and
enforced, for Comic-Con? As the leading event of the comics and pop culture
world, Comic-Con should work to make everyone who attends feel comfortable and
safe.

I disabled comments on this post, because fuck you buddy. Go talk to people in the real world.

Caso Bonita! Caso Bonita!

Happy (late) Birthday, Mr. Sims.

New Comic Day - 08/06/2008

Welcome back to a brand new installment of the reviews nobody really reads anymore, right here on Westchester Is For Lovers. Before we get into the reviews, I want to take a quick second to thank my pal Rich over at Cable and Tweed. He was nice enough to send the Deadpool and Bea Arthur picture to the folks at Newsarama, which resulted in me getting a mind-boggling amount of traffic over the weekend. Thanks Rich! Now, release the scroll!

CABLE # 6

This issue was co-drawn by both regular artis Ariel Olivetti, and Michael Lacombe. The two have vastly different artistic styles, and the contrast adds a pretty interesting way to better visualize the dual timeline of the book. Lacombe's art even manages to hold it's own fairly well against Olivetti's, though he does seem to have a rough time making Emma Frost not look funny. She's constantly pictured with her eyes crossed, or with a strange grin on her face that looks largely out of place in a character who's well known for being a sex symbol. Actually, I wasn't really pleased with the way Swierczynski writes her, either. But, regardless, the book was good, though far from the best of the series.

FRANKLIN RICHARDS: SUMMER SMACKDOWN! # 1

Finally, a Richie Rich comic for the kids of the future. This book is a collection of several unrelated shorts that range everywhere from cute to downright funny, even for larger kids like myself. Unfortunately, unlike the old Richie Rich comics, this one has a severe lack of terrible themed puns.

HULK # 5

Another suggestion from the rarely-wrong Rick, who (despite being fictional) seems to have terrific taste. I'm not a huge hulk fan, so this series has slipped under my radar. However, after reading this issue, I'm definitely going to have to go back and get the first 4 of the series. I mean, the dude apparently punches out Uatu! How can you not want to read that?

THE TWELVE # 7

After reading this issue, I'm dying for a spin-off starring Phantom Reporter and Detective Rose. Imagine the buddy-cop wackiness. So good.

Can I have your attention please...

A few months ago, I asked my friend Blockade Boy to do a redesign of one of the worst superhero costumes of all time. Looks like he got the email, go check out his fantastic Rusty Collins v2.0.

Friday Night Fights: Konckout!! Round 12

This terrible racism brought to you by The Naked Prey
"O-out of ammunition! Have to us Bahlactus... like a... club!

Friday Night Fights: Knockout!!! Round 8

We're here in Anthony's Fine Dining in Atlanta, Georgia, where we've switched their regular coffee with new Bahlactus. Let's see if anyone notices.

Friday Night Fights: Tek World!

When Shatner writes the rules
the faces go WHOKK!

So Says Bahlactus

Bully made me do it.

Bored at work. Blame Bully and Church for this one.
What does it mean? I dunno...

Marvel/DC Throwdown - Aquaman vs. Namor!

So, i've been thinking lately about the plethora of character styles that exist between the Marvel and DC universes. They've both got badass archer guys (Hawkeye/Green Arrow), super-strong guys who fly around in the air wearing brightly colored costumes (Superman/Thor or I guess maybe Sentry). Then you've got Mr. Fantastic/Plastic Man, Apocalypse/Darkseid, Wolverine/Jimmy Olsen. I think you see the pattern. Everyone seems pretty evenly matched in their ability to kick ass.

But then, when you get to the category of "guys who live underwater", things get a bit hazy. Let me preface this by saying this is not an "Aquaman sucks so bad 'cuz he sucks" post. I genuinely like Aquaman comics. What I am saying is that nobody can deny the glaring differences between Aquaman and Namor. Both rule Atlantis and live underwater, sure. But Aquaman can talk to fish, whereas Namor can't. And Namor, well he... he can fly around on little wings on his feet. So with such vast differences, it stands to reason that one must be better than the other. I am no expert in the undersea arena, so for expert advice, I decided to turn to Westchester Is For Lovers' Senior Aquatic Authority, Aqualad. Over to you Aqualad.
Oh, right, sorry. I forgot, 'Tempest' is a bit touchy about his old name. I apologize, go right ahead, Tempest.
Um.. actually, Tempest, while we're on the topic of names. I thought I told you, it's not 'Aquaman' anymore, it's just Ryan now. But that's ok, it's no big deal. But anyways, who is this guy you're talking about? You know the unbeatable badass who has all your powers AND the ability to fly? Oh. Right...
Thanks for clearing that up, Aqualad!

[Also, a big thanks to my favorite DC blogger Scipio over at The Absorbascon, who provided the Aqualad picture]

Sweet Christmas Coverage! vol.1

Twas the morning of Christmas, I was stuck at my work
for no real reason, 'cept my boss is a jerk

Heh. Just kidding Jeff, just needed something to rhyme with work. So yeah, 7AM, here I am. Hungover. Stuck at work. On Christmas. For the next 12 hours. But you know what, Dear Reader? Lucky you, that's what! Because 12 is also the amount of posts i'm going to do today! That's right, today is the perfect day for me to begin my

SWEET CHRISTMAS COVERAGE!

Every hour, on the hour, I'll be posting a new Christmas-themed post for your reading pleasure. First up on the menu?
Kneel Before Klaus!

This panel comes to us from the pages of Badger #70, and from our friends over at Random-Happenstance

Even more U.S. 1

So, I don't mean to harp on and on about this U.S. 1 comic before I have actually read it, but this is important. I was talking with my buddy Chris Sims tonight. The subject of U.S. 1 and all of it's awesomeness came up. This was when I realized it. The main character, Ulysses Solomon Archer, is Bizarro Power Man. Let's take a look:So, there you have it. Coincidence? Perhaps. But I think it's obvious to everyone here that those tight jeans are awesome.

U.S. 1

So, I was reading over at Blogzarro today, and came across a beautiful gem of a comic called US 1. The comic is basically about a guy who drives a semi truck in space or something equally as fucking nuts. Everything about these books screams hilarity, and I cannot wait to go buy them. What makes this comic series sound so good, you ask? Let's look at the cover of the very first issue.
Not only does this comic feature:

A) a man in a headband (twice!)
B) what appears to be a werewolf getting struck by lightning
C) a semi truck driving off of a cliff

It has all that plus HIGH ADVENTURE TRUCKING DOWN THE HIGHWAY! That is what makes this comic undeniably cool. HIGH ADVENTURE TRUCKING DOWN THE HIGHWAY is all it takes to turn a comic from potentially lame to absolutely, melt-your-face-off fantastic! Let's try a graphical explanation.As you can clearly see, Amethyst Princess of Gemworld #10 looks pretty lame (however, it is in fact one of the greatest comics ever written, but we'll save that for later). Looks lame, that is, until you add HIGH ADVENTURE TRUCKING DOWN THE HIGHWAY! See the difference it makes? It works with everything. Try it.

Anatomy of a mascot

As a comic blogger, there are certain unavoidable truths that exist for us all. For example, every comic blogger will eventually have to cop-out and make fun of a Jimmy Olsen comic. It is unavoidable. I haven't hit that landmark quite yet, but it will happen. Another important point in the lifespan of a comic blogger is the act of choosing a mascot. Dave has Deathstroke the Terminator (who, I might add, is comin' after you) (look out!), Scipio has Vibe (who, I might add, is nothing like Dazzler). Everyone has them. Everyone, that is, except me. I decided it was time.

Choosing your comic mascot is a very delicate process. You have to ensure that your mascot is a hardcore badass, while still remaining obscure or silly enough to have kept him out of the mainstream eye until you so graciously bring him back onto the highest pedestal of awesomenitude. The reason behind all of this is to ensure that you can constantly rant on and on about how badass the character is and how they never really got their fair shot at being a major player in the comic book big leagues. This is not a decision to be taken lightly.

So, who was I to choose? I've always had a soft spot for super villains and vigilantes. So, I decided to sit down and write a list of my top choices.

1. Mad Jim Jaspers

This guy is, in my opinion, one of the best villains marvel ever came up with. I've talked about him briefly before (when I teleported him to Earth-52), but I don't think I quite explained the hardcoredness that is MJJ. This guy truly is the unbeatable super-villain. Really. Nobody can just straight-up kick his ass. Sure, they try, but he's just like

"Oh look, pesky heroes again. Good thing I can manipulate reality to my will. Guess I'll turn this carrot into a cloud of anti-superhero death gas"

I might add, that I don't mean a cloud that is against superhero death gas, i mean a big badass cloud of death gas that is outspokenly anti-superhero. He just does that stuff all the time, no big deal to him. That's how MJJ rolls. Unfortunately, he always fucks up and designs some kind of robot that eventually destroys him or opens a rift in the space-time continuum, or something else that is no good for him. Other than that, he's pretty much hands down the most badical, perhaps too badical for me. So, no dice on MJJ as my mascot. Who's next?

2. Hank McCoy's nerdy friend

This guy wasn't really an option. I've just been dieing inside for the past month trying to find an excuse to post this picture of Beast in a shirt that says "SHAZBOT!" on it. Not to mention the fact that they're both wearing glasses while playing baseball! Looks like Mr. McCoy and his nerdy friend are on the bullet train to "my parents are mad because I wore my glasses during the baseball game and then they broke so now we have to buy new glasses for me"ville. Oh well, you live and learn. Moving on.

3. Bushmaster

I wrote this name down on the list. (OK, I admit it, there wasn't really an actual list I was writing on, but it helps add to your experience as a reader!). Anywho, I wrote this name down on the list, and that was when I realized it. This guy was the one. He's exactly what I had hoped for. Let's look at his qualifications:

His name is Bushmaster. This, above all else, should seal the deal immediately. Bushmaster has all the innuendo of the nickname your buddy Chad gave himself at that Alpha Kappa Kappa kegger last week, combined with all the relevance of his powers. Bushmaster sounds like the ultimate ladies man, which totally reflects my personality.

His real name is Quincy McIver. This could make or break the deal, depending on the established badassitude of the person in question. On the one hand, Quincy sounds like the name of that nerdy kid you went to high school with. You know, the one who wore the short-sleeved dress shirt and a bow-tie and had glasses/braces (double points for both). Quincy is the name of the kid who was the president of the backgammon club. He was Belgium in the Mock United Nations. Quincy is not the good kind of nerd who reads comics or hacks computers on the school networks. He is the other kind of nerd. Quincy is the bad kind of nerd.

But, luckily for us, dear reader, this Quincy is not a nerd. He is an uber-badass. Which means he is a prime example of the Universal Theory of Badass Multiplication, which states that if a person who is a badass also has a name that is silly and/or nerdy, that person's level of badassitude is instantly multiplied by a number directly proportional to the silly and/or nerdiness of said name.

For example, let's take a look at this prime specimen:
The Punisher - A.K.A Frank Castle - A.K.A. Francis Castiglione. Yes that's right. A man named Francis just dropped down through your skylight with guns blazing. You were just shot right in your face by a guy named Francis. 'Nuff Said. Moving on to the next entry on Bushmaster's list of qualifications (also not a real list).

I mean, come on, just look at him. The guy reeks of manliness and badass. He has no legs. You know why? Because he doesn't need them. Quincy (the badass snake guy, not the nerd) can kick your ass with both legs tied behind his not having any legs. Badass? Yup, i do believe that's so. But he takes it a step further by becoming half fucking snake! That's not just a silly suit, that tail is a cybernetic implant! The man is literally a cyborg snake-man. I swear, the only thing that could make him manlier is if there was a constant loop of power metal playing wherever he went. I bet if you cut this guy, he bleeds gravy.

Can you think of anyone more badass? Can you? Because, if you can, I know of a certain cyborg snake-man who would like to have a word with you. In Private.

Drunk Sunday Post on a Monday!

Hello faithful Marvelites!

Well, it's Monday morning and i'm unable to sleep. I'm drunk since last night. So, I decided to make my traditional Drunk Sunday post on Monday morning. Unfrotrunately I'm too tanked to actually read a whole comic all the way through because god damned television keeps distracting me. So, I'm just going to talk about The Order.

If you're not familiar with this comic, I recommend checking it out. I was first turned on to this one by Chris, and I must say, I was disappointed at first. Under his recommendation, I went out and picked up the 4 issues that are out so far. the first two were not that great. I think mostly due to the strange layout style in the book. A lot of the pages are full of panels of basically the same picture over and over again. Reminds me a lot of Get Your Civil War On, really. Only, less funny and more drama-y.

However, now that I am sufficiently tanked, issue 3 is really great! I think that I have now figured out the secret.

Matt Fraction and Barry Kitson drink more than I do.

If I had a scanner (and knew how to operate a scanner in a drunken state) I'd scan some of the funny. But, alas, not the case. So, just imagine some funny stuff here. See it? Good.


Fuck, even I can see there's no funny there. Don't kid yourself. Here's some unrelated funny.

Cop-Out post: Best thing ever? perhaps!

Well, first and foremost, I'd like to congratulate Chris Sims on his triumphant victory over foreign corruption in comic bloggery. You have my vote for the new Captain America, sir.

But that's not what this post is about.

This post is about something amazing that Mr. Sims turned me on to. Spidey Super Stories. These comics were a joint effort put out by Marvel and The Electric Company, and are probably the funniest marvel comic you'll ever read. They are the Jimmy Olsen/Lois Lane's of the Marvel U.

Well, today I found something that made me almost cry. I don't know how to describe it, so i'm just going to post it. I hope you enjoy.

Saddest Halloween Ever

So, today is Halloween. But it's not just any Halloween. Today is the...
I started working at my current job in January, so I'm not sure what my office's policy is on dressing up in costumes. It's been a tradition of mine to wear costumes every year since I got my first job. Let's take a quick look at my personal favorites in the history of me wearing costumes (unfortunately, I don't have actual pictures in digital form, so I've just had to find pictures of who the costume is based off of).

10/31/2000 - Juan Valdez:

This costume is probably the one that got me in the most trouble. I was working in a restaurant at this point, with most of the cooks being from Mexico or El Salvador. Needless to say, they didn't find a white kid with a big bushy moustache and sombrero dancing around with a can of coffee very funny.

10/31/2006 - Mighty Max:
You guys remember Mighty Max? If you don't, let me describe the joys of this phenomenal toy. Mighty Max was basically a pocket-sized playset where you had a little figure (Max, obviously) who battled werewolves, mummies, giant scorpions, and other scary stuff (WARNING! TWO OF THE PREVIOUS LINKS ARE TERRIFYING, ONE IS ADORABLE! ONCE YOU CLICK YOU CANNOT UNCLICK!). I used to play the hell out of those tiny little playsets as a child, so I decided to pay tribute to it by making a costume based of the main character. Unfortunately, nobody at the insurance company I worked for got the reference, so I spent the majority of that day at work explaining the concept of the toys to people instead of working. Then I got fired. No joke.

So, you'd think, what with losing my job and all, last year HAD to have been the
but it wasn't! This one was far worse!

10/31/2007 - fuck fuck fuck:
So, this year I decided to play it safe. I had originally planned on making a really badass superhero costume, but I feared being that guy. You know, that guy who shows up to the office dressed in the chicken costume only to find that nobody else is in a costume and then they start laughing at him, so he starts crying and runs off to hide in the bathroom. But, oh shit, he accidentally ran into the women's bathroom! and everyone saw it! now he's a guy in a chicken suit who is in the ladies room! shit shit shit! what am I going to do? If i go out there, everyone is going to laugh some more. But if I stay in here, they're just going to wonder if i'm in her crying or something. shit. the guys are never going to let me live this down. fuck. what am i going to do...

and then, to escape the torment, he drank the clorox from under the sink.

He fucking died. That poor man killed himself out of sheer embarassment. And you know what, somebody had to explain that to his wife and son. Little Jimmy didn't know how to cope. He slowly became withdrawn from his mother and began doing drugs. One year later, little Jimmy, strung out on coke, ran headlong into a busy intersection and was struck by a car. His mother, now all alone in a great big house spends her days sitting on the bed staring at a picture of the husband she loved so much, but whom she could never again feel the warm touch of his hands. She will never be the same.

So, i didn't want to be that guy. So, i decided to play it safe and have a costume that would be easy to change into regular working clothes if i saw that embarrassing situations were arising. My choice?
Phil Ken Sebben. The boss from the show Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law on [adultswim]. Basically the easiest costume ever for an office worker to pull off. It's a simple process!

1. Get dressed for work
2. Put on eyepatch

Pretty easy, am I right my friends? Not only that, it means you get to wear an eyepatch! I think we're all aware that eyepatches are the pinnacle of badassitude. But don't take my word for it, ask Dave Campbell. The man will tell you!

Well, I bought an eyepatch the other day at the local costume shop. Costume completed, I didn't think about it at all until this morning arrived. This was when I learned that the eyepatch I had bought from this costume shop was a shitty piece of shit. It broke as soon as I put it on. But, I figured I could fix it when i got to the office. So I put it in my pocket, or at least, I thought I did. But apparently I missed my pocket entirely and put it somewhere in the vicinity of who the fuck knows where.

But, I'm jumping ahead of myself. There was much more suckassness before I got to the office. Because, not only is today Halloween, but it's Wednesday (A.K.A. New Comic Day). Unfortunately, today is
For the past, oh, let's say three weeks, i've been chomping at the bit waiting to get my hands on Avengers: The Initiative #7. According to Marvel, it was supposed to be in stores today.

AVENGERS: THE INITIATIVE #7 (AUG072210)
Written by DAN SLOTT
Pencils & Cover by STEFANO CASELLI
Rated T+…$2.99
FOC—10/11/07, On-Sale 10/31/07
To find a comic shop near you, call 1-888-comicbook

But, no dice. Instead, what Marvel had to offer me today was a big stinky shit pile of nothing. It makes me think that they got my letter (which, i might add, i sent, but i totally forgot to take those pictures of), and Stan Lee personally decided to piss all over my hopes and dreams.

So, no new A:TI, no eyepatch, I'm left at work looking like an overdressed putz.

I wonder if it's too late to declare Doom as my master.