What? You say I totally lied before about deciding to post to this blog more? You say I haven't updated in months and months? Yeah, so what? I've been busy!
But, I've decided that, in an effort to push myself back into the habit of writing more, it's time to expand the focus of this blog. For a long time it was all comics, all the time (with a handful of movie reviews and random food stuff). That said, I've got some new interests in my life that I want to discuss when I feel the need. For starters, I've rediscovered that I like to cook. I went to culinary school for a few years to become a chef, but dropped out because I don't like cooking for mass amounts of other people. Now that me and food have started to smooth things back out, I'll be using this to share random recipes I come up with or enjoy, as well as to talk about anything involving food that I feel the need to share (see the review of Taco Bell's butt tacos below). I am also very involved in pro-wrestling as of late. I'll probably talk about that alot as well. Whether you like it or not. So, in addition to all the noise from before, get ready for more shit you probably don't really care about reading.
Also, I still curse alot. So, if you don't want to read dirty wordies, you should probably go somewhere else for your bullshit blog purposes. See everybody again soon. Or not. Really depends on if I actually do another update after tonight.
Showing posts with label Drunken Posts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Drunken Posts. Show all posts
2010-08-12
The worst thing Taco Bell ever concieved.
So, today I was on my way to a writers meeting for a TV pilot I'm working on (coming soon?), and decided to stop off for a bite to eat at a nearby Taco Bell. The reason being that I had heard about TB's recent addition of "Cantina Tacos" to the menu.
You may or may not have seen the commercials for these bad boys, so allow me to explain for those who haven't. Essentially, the Cantina Taco is meant to be the equivalent to what one might find at any locally owned taqueria. They come in 3 varieties of Chicken, Steak, and Carnitas (a.k.a. pork), each served on a soft corn tortilla with onion and cilantro, and a wedge of fresh lime for garnish. Since there was a combo for all three and a large drink (also available individually or as a two-pack with no drink), I went with the combo. And guess what, they are balls nasty. Straight up suck city. Let's break it down piece by piece.
Starting with the outside, we have a double layer of soft corn tortillas. Now, I make no secret to the fact that I generally hate them no matter where they are from. Soft corn tortillas have a particular thickness and graininess that I've just never cared for. Not to mention the fact that they tend to get soggy in seconds flat from the various taco juices. I'd say the ones at TB are probably about on-par with any other soft-corn. So, if you like that kind of stuff this probably wouldn't be an issue for you. But, really, that was possibly the best tasting part of the whole taco. And, again, this is coming from someone who would generally rather shoot himself in the ass than eat a corn tortilla that isn't crunchy.
Moving inside we get to the meat and onion/cilantro mix. This is where the real problem comes in. Now, as mentioned before, these things come in three varieties. But, honestly, you could have fooled me. I opened the first one up, saw what appeared to be pork inside, and took a bite. Instead of delicious piggy goodness, I found myself with a mouthful of flavorless mush. The onion was there, and the cilantro was there, but the meat itself had absolutely zero flavor to it. I worked my way through it and to the next one. Opening that one up, I saw what I figured to be chicken. Again, no taste what so ever. The third one turned out to actually be the pork one (making the first one actually steak). The pork had a bit of actual flavor to it. Not good flavor, mind you, but enough to the point where you could at least tell it was pork. This is what I just don't understand. I really enjoy Taco Bell's normal steak soft tacos, and their chicken tacos are pretty good as well (though, I'm not a big chicken eater). How did they manage to make both usually tasty meats into this flavorless flesh-paste? It totally baffles me.
This brings me to the lime wedge. As I told the guys at the writes meeting that night, I'm pretty sure this is only included to disguise the fact that none of the main ingredients have a real taste. I figure they assume that if customers drown it in lime, they'll assume the lack of other flavors is just from too much citrus.
So, why would Taco Bell put such an ungodly selection of shit-filled tacos on their menu? Allow me to pose my conspiracy theory. They put the tacos on the menu and claim that they are of the equivalent to what one would find from a real taco joint. Customers order them, see how shitty they are, and assume that this must mean that real tacos taste like dick simmered in assjuice, and decide Taco Bell's normal tacos must be the pinnacle of flavor. It's brilliant, really. Until of course you realize that TB is promoting these things as better than their standard taco. So really, they are saying that normal tacos taste worse that ass.
Yum fucking yum. Way to go, champ.
You may or may not have seen the commercials for these bad boys, so allow me to explain for those who haven't. Essentially, the Cantina Taco is meant to be the equivalent to what one might find at any locally owned taqueria. They come in 3 varieties of Chicken, Steak, and Carnitas (a.k.a. pork), each served on a soft corn tortilla with onion and cilantro, and a wedge of fresh lime for garnish. Since there was a combo for all three and a large drink (also available individually or as a two-pack with no drink), I went with the combo. And guess what, they are balls nasty. Straight up suck city. Let's break it down piece by piece.
Starting with the outside, we have a double layer of soft corn tortillas. Now, I make no secret to the fact that I generally hate them no matter where they are from. Soft corn tortillas have a particular thickness and graininess that I've just never cared for. Not to mention the fact that they tend to get soggy in seconds flat from the various taco juices. I'd say the ones at TB are probably about on-par with any other soft-corn. So, if you like that kind of stuff this probably wouldn't be an issue for you. But, really, that was possibly the best tasting part of the whole taco. And, again, this is coming from someone who would generally rather shoot himself in the ass than eat a corn tortilla that isn't crunchy.
Moving inside we get to the meat and onion/cilantro mix. This is where the real problem comes in. Now, as mentioned before, these things come in three varieties. But, honestly, you could have fooled me. I opened the first one up, saw what appeared to be pork inside, and took a bite. Instead of delicious piggy goodness, I found myself with a mouthful of flavorless mush. The onion was there, and the cilantro was there, but the meat itself had absolutely zero flavor to it. I worked my way through it and to the next one. Opening that one up, I saw what I figured to be chicken. Again, no taste what so ever. The third one turned out to actually be the pork one (making the first one actually steak). The pork had a bit of actual flavor to it. Not good flavor, mind you, but enough to the point where you could at least tell it was pork. This is what I just don't understand. I really enjoy Taco Bell's normal steak soft tacos, and their chicken tacos are pretty good as well (though, I'm not a big chicken eater). How did they manage to make both usually tasty meats into this flavorless flesh-paste? It totally baffles me.
This brings me to the lime wedge. As I told the guys at the writes meeting that night, I'm pretty sure this is only included to disguise the fact that none of the main ingredients have a real taste. I figure they assume that if customers drown it in lime, they'll assume the lack of other flavors is just from too much citrus.
So, why would Taco Bell put such an ungodly selection of shit-filled tacos on their menu? Allow me to pose my conspiracy theory. They put the tacos on the menu and claim that they are of the equivalent to what one would find from a real taco joint. Customers order them, see how shitty they are, and assume that this must mean that real tacos taste like dick simmered in assjuice, and decide Taco Bell's normal tacos must be the pinnacle of flavor. It's brilliant, really. Until of course you realize that TB is promoting these things as better than their standard taco. So really, they are saying that normal tacos taste worse that ass.
Yum fucking yum. Way to go, champ.
2009-01-31
Why you shouldn't go to 4chan at 2:46 AM after a long night of drinking
If you've ever wondered why you shouldn't go to 4chan at 2:46 AM after a long night of drinking, the answer is nbecause you will find this funny enough to post on your blog and not talk about comics
2009-01-23
Bob Odenkirk wants to photograph your penis
So, here's a question to all of you folks out there who aren't reading this blog anymore. Are you getting tired of all these video posts? Yeah well fuck you. However, if you're reading this. I love you.
Seriously. Sheila, if you're reading this, call me back. I miss you terribly. I'm nothing without you.
2007-12-30
Drunken Comic Conspiract Theory - WHAT THE FUCK?!
Hey, you guys remember that time I got drunk and blogged about comics? Today, in memory of that one time, I decided to get drunk and blog. About comics. Kinda.
First and foremost, I'm happy to announce that WIFL is the #1 google and yahoo search results for "kinetokinesis". But aside from that, I bought some comics today!
So yeah, comics came out yesterday, but I had to tend to a sick girlfriend, so I wasn't able to make it to the comic shop until today. And, guess what? The new Messiah CompleX is FUCKING SOLD OUT!
IN ONE FUCKING DAY! I mean, what the hell, man, seriously?!? Obviously, this is just another plot by the Purifiers in their insidious conspiracy against me. I was afraid it would happen, and I was right. It seems this thing goes all the way to the top.
God himself is in on it. He sent his only son to earth to delay my comics, knowing damn well that my girlfriend would get sick the day they came out. I'm on to you, God! Also...
**HOLY SHIT, THERE'S SPOILERS DOWN THERE!**
I read Captain America #33. and I just have to say, "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, MARVEL?". Bucky? REALLY? Come on! I think we all know that's a fucking cop-out. I mean, I'm okay with being wrong in my initial comic conspiracy theory about spider-man being the new Cap, but can't we be more original that Bucky? Let's look at our other options you gave us to choose from (after you narrowed it down to 6 people, that is)
1. Bucky: Fuck him. Now, don't get me wrong, I like this new "badass, totally not a young gay kid who serves no purpose but to get captured and make Captain American rescue him" image you guys are going for with him, but i think I already covered fuck him.
2. Iron Man: Umm, Iron Man is already a well established character in the public eye, so not likely.
3. Red Skull: NAZI! 'nuff said
4. Union Jack: Not from America, 'nuff said!
5. U.S. Agent: Isn't he working for the canadian government now? I'm not even going to get into the stupidity of a guy named U.S. Agent working for the Canucks, so let's just leave him out of it.
6. Hawkeye.
HOLY FUCK YES!
Do it, Marvel. Make Hawkeye the new Cap. I mean, what the hell else is he doing right now? Come on, Marvel, don't be a pussy!
First and foremost, I'm happy to announce that WIFL is the #1 google and yahoo search results for "kinetokinesis". But aside from that, I bought some comics today!
So yeah, comics came out yesterday, but I had to tend to a sick girlfriend, so I wasn't able to make it to the comic shop until today. And, guess what? The new Messiah CompleX is FUCKING SOLD OUT!
IN ONE FUCKING DAY! I mean, what the hell, man, seriously?!? Obviously, this is just another plot by the Purifiers in their insidious conspiracy against me. I was afraid it would happen, and I was right. It seems this thing goes all the way to the top.
God himself is in on it. He sent his only son to earth to delay my comics, knowing damn well that my girlfriend would get sick the day they came out. I'm on to you, God! Also...
**HOLY SHIT, THERE'S SPOILERS DOWN THERE!**
I read Captain America #33. and I just have to say, "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, MARVEL?". Bucky? REALLY? Come on! I think we all know that's a fucking cop-out. I mean, I'm okay with being wrong in my initial comic conspiracy theory about spider-man being the new Cap, but can't we be more original that Bucky? Let's look at our other options you gave us to choose from (after you narrowed it down to 6 people, that is)
1. Bucky: Fuck him. Now, don't get me wrong, I like this new "badass, totally not a young gay kid who serves no purpose but to get captured and make Captain American rescue him" image you guys are going for with him, but i think I already covered fuck him.
2. Iron Man: Umm, Iron Man is already a well established character in the public eye, so not likely.
3. Red Skull: NAZI! 'nuff said
4. Union Jack: Not from America, 'nuff said!
5. U.S. Agent: Isn't he working for the canadian government now? I'm not even going to get into the stupidity of a guy named U.S. Agent working for the Canucks, so let's just leave him out of it.
6. Hawkeye.
HOLY FUCK YES!
Do it, Marvel. Make Hawkeye the new Cap. I mean, what the hell else is he doing right now? Come on, Marvel, don't be a pussy!
2007-12-23
Party Girl, The Rita Jones Story
With Christmas day fast approaching, I've decide to take a risk at alienating my readership by reviewing one of my favorite comic publishers in the world. That publishing company? Chick Publications. This company prints those hilariously zany super-religious comic tracts that you sometimes find on the windshield of your car, or being passed out by some nut at the park. Most of them are pretty disturbing, but there's one in particular that will blow your mind with its awesomeness. That story is
So, today, I bring you panel by panel coverage of the single greatest religious comic of all time. Our story begins in the quaint lair of the devil himself, where a party planning committee is in session!
2 weeks before the big party, and you've already loaded the city with drugs and alcohol? Apparently Satan never went to college. I can burn through a city load of beer in a weekend on a bad day. Luckily, they'll still be able to keep the party pumping with some crunchy tunes.
Yes, what could POSSIBLY go wrong? The devil has such a terrific track record up to now, this whole party scheme is a sure thing, right? Right? Maybe not, because...
Oh shit. After receiving a telepathic message from her BFF God, Rita Jones, the worlds foremost old lady, is on the case. She wastes no time making her 3 hour trek across the room to the telephone to call her granddaughter. Getting no answer, she decides to take the law into her own hands.
Apparently, in the rush to get to Jill in time, she completely misses the fact that she's been living in the same apartment as a devil monster for the past 78 years. But she's got no time for that, there's a granddaughter to save, damnit!
That's right. Rita Jones is so badass that Satan himself sees her as an immediate threat. Chuck Norris sleeps with a picture of Rita Jones next to his bed.
I LOVE to part here... This is my FAVORITE spot! Right here next to this creepy fat guy in a mask.
You know, I don't think I even need to point out the redundancy of his choice in costumes.
Yes, when looking for a single person in the midst of a large Mardi Gras-esque street festival, the best mode of operations is to ask the young cross-eyed boy which way to go. Speaking of which, where are that boy's parents?
Saving you from years of emotional scarring and therapy to recover from the horrors of date rape, that's what!
Yes, no sense in letting one single cosmopolitan go to waste. Good thing we had you around to act as our voice of reason, Fat Weird Al.
Sure, the drink killed him. But nobody notices how much weight he lost! I'd say that's fair exchange. Also, Jill, you're a grown woman who was flirting with a fat, greasy man in a mask while you were wearing some strange snake headdress in public and you're only embarrassed now?
I stand corrected. Apparently stupid headdresses are all the rage with the kids these days.
Honestly, I've got nothing for this one...
She said, as she stifled a yawn.
Am I the only one who notices what appears to be Ray Charles, Queen Latifah, and the Pope walking around at Satan's party? The next few panels are strictly about the story of Jesus, which I'm sure we've all heard before, so I left it out.
Good lord, Jill. For some reason I don't think that nasty granny incest is exactly what God has in mind.
So remember kids, drugs and alcohol aren't the only way to have a good time and should be used only in moderation. Also, don't talk to fat guys in masks because they are probably in cahoots with the devil.
So, today, I bring you panel by panel coverage of the single greatest religious comic of all time. Our story begins in the quaint lair of the devil himself, where a party planning committee is in session!
2 weeks before the big party, and you've already loaded the city with drugs and alcohol? Apparently Satan never went to college. I can burn through a city load of beer in a weekend on a bad day. Luckily, they'll still be able to keep the party pumping with some crunchy tunes.
Yes, what could POSSIBLY go wrong? The devil has such a terrific track record up to now, this whole party scheme is a sure thing, right? Right? Maybe not, because...
Oh shit. After receiving a telepathic message from her BFF God, Rita Jones, the worlds foremost old lady, is on the case. She wastes no time making her 3 hour trek across the room to the telephone to call her granddaughter. Getting no answer, she decides to take the law into her own hands.
Apparently, in the rush to get to Jill in time, she completely misses the fact that she's been living in the same apartment as a devil monster for the past 78 years. But she's got no time for that, there's a granddaughter to save, damnit!
That's right. Rita Jones is so badass that Satan himself sees her as an immediate threat. Chuck Norris sleeps with a picture of Rita Jones next to his bed.
I LOVE to part here... This is my FAVORITE spot! Right here next to this creepy fat guy in a mask.
You know, I don't think I even need to point out the redundancy of his choice in costumes.
Yes, when looking for a single person in the midst of a large Mardi Gras-esque street festival, the best mode of operations is to ask the young cross-eyed boy which way to go. Speaking of which, where are that boy's parents?
Saving you from years of emotional scarring and therapy to recover from the horrors of date rape, that's what!
Yes, no sense in letting one single cosmopolitan go to waste. Good thing we had you around to act as our voice of reason, Fat Weird Al.
Sure, the drink killed him. But nobody notices how much weight he lost! I'd say that's fair exchange. Also, Jill, you're a grown woman who was flirting with a fat, greasy man in a mask while you were wearing some strange snake headdress in public and you're only embarrassed now?
I stand corrected. Apparently stupid headdresses are all the rage with the kids these days.
Honestly, I've got nothing for this one...
She said, as she stifled a yawn.
Am I the only one who notices what appears to be Ray Charles, Queen Latifah, and the Pope walking around at Satan's party? The next few panels are strictly about the story of Jesus, which I'm sure we've all heard before, so I left it out.
Good lord, Jill. For some reason I don't think that nasty granny incest is exactly what God has in mind.
So remember kids, drugs and alcohol aren't the only way to have a good time and should be used only in moderation. Also, don't talk to fat guys in masks because they are probably in cahoots with the devil.
2007-12-17
2007-12-09
Late New Comics Day: A.K.A Drunk Sunday Post
Sunday Morning, 1:16 A.M. and I am TANKED! So, time for me to tell you about my new comics I bought this New Comics Day!
Let's start with:
The Order #5: I've talked about the previous issues in a previous Drunk Sunday post. Well, I grabbed this issue, and guess what. It's fucking good! Not to offer too many spoilers for those of you who haven't read yet, but I hope for characters with kinetokinesis (Latin for Movement Movement) to come up in the future. That's not a typo, kinetokinesis is the same word just repeated. make your own judgement there.
My next big purchase was:
Messiah CompleX #6, Uncanny X-Men #493. This issue was almost so good I forgot how much I hate Cable. Honestly, if the rest of the series makes me like Cable as much as this issue did, I might end up buying the new Cable series coming out next year. On a side not, Chris made a good point about the unintentional hilarity about this issue.
Next came:
Omega The Unknown #3. This series so far has been kind of iffy for me. Until now I've not been able to determine if I actually liked the comic or not. The reasoning behind that being that it was difficult for me to tell if Jonathan Lethem meant for the writing to be awkward, or if he was just a terrible writer. This issue sealed it. This is a fucking great series. If you're not reading it, you should be.
Lastly, on a suggestion from the previously mention Chris, I picked up:
Suburban Glamour #2. I've yet to read #1 (Galactic Quest was sold out), but #2 has all the slightly awkward charm of Omega The Unknown, while still being grounded sort of in reality. Suffice it to say "holy crap, this is one of my favorite new comics. seriously, just fucking buy it"
OFF-TOPIC:
If you're wondering why i've not done any reviews of comics or posted any scans, it's because I left my digital camera at my grandmother's house while I was there for Thanksgiving. But never fear, True Believer, i'm going back there next weekend and getting my camera back! So stay tuned for many new 25 Cent Thursday posts.
Also, after drinking a large amount of Evan Williams 1783 and then switching to Jim Beam, I learned that Jim Beam tastes like cashew nuts. Seriously, try it.
Let's start with:
The Order #5: I've talked about the previous issues in a previous Drunk Sunday post. Well, I grabbed this issue, and guess what. It's fucking good! Not to offer too many spoilers for those of you who haven't read yet, but I hope for characters with kinetokinesis (Latin for Movement Movement) to come up in the future. That's not a typo, kinetokinesis is the same word just repeated. make your own judgement there.My next big purchase was:
Messiah CompleX #6, Uncanny X-Men #493. This issue was almost so good I forgot how much I hate Cable. Honestly, if the rest of the series makes me like Cable as much as this issue did, I might end up buying the new Cable series coming out next year. On a side not, Chris made a good point about the unintentional hilarity about this issue.Next came:
Omega The Unknown #3. This series so far has been kind of iffy for me. Until now I've not been able to determine if I actually liked the comic or not. The reasoning behind that being that it was difficult for me to tell if Jonathan Lethem meant for the writing to be awkward, or if he was just a terrible writer. This issue sealed it. This is a fucking great series. If you're not reading it, you should be.Lastly, on a suggestion from the previously mention Chris, I picked up:
Suburban Glamour #2. I've yet to read #1 (Galactic Quest was sold out), but #2 has all the slightly awkward charm of Omega The Unknown, while still being grounded sort of in reality. Suffice it to say "holy crap, this is one of my favorite new comics. seriously, just fucking buy it"
OFF-TOPIC:
If you're wondering why i've not done any reviews of comics or posted any scans, it's because I left my digital camera at my grandmother's house while I was there for Thanksgiving. But never fear, True Believer, i'm going back there next weekend and getting my camera back! So stay tuned for many new 25 Cent Thursday posts.
Also, after drinking a large amount of Evan Williams 1783 and then switching to Jim Beam, I learned that Jim Beam tastes like cashew nuts. Seriously, try it.
2007-11-29
More Conspiracy Proof
Ok, for all you non-believers, I've brought more proof or the great comics conspiracy against me, the Mutant Messiah.
Last night I blogged about how I was going to buy a bunch of back issues of U.S. 1
Today I go to the comic shop to find they have no issues of U.S. 1
Coincidence? I think not, Mr. Logic.
Last night I blogged about how I was going to buy a bunch of back issues of U.S. 1
Today I go to the comic shop to find they have no issues of U.S. 1
Coincidence? I think not, Mr. Logic.
2007-11-22
Double Time #2
Well, although I previously mentioned I wouldn't be posting a blog today, I figured why the hell not. Today, dear readers, is the day when I unveil a new feature here on Westchester Is For Lovers. Twenty-Five Cent Thursday! Like most comic shops, my local haunt has a $0.25 rack full of shitty and/or absolutely awesome comics that are either in too bad of condition to include in the back issues, or too off the fucking wall for any sane person to pay more than 25 cents for them. Lucky for you, i'm here to buy them for you. And then, I'll be blogging about my good finds here. Will it be a regularly occurring feature? Kinda. Probably not every week. Just whenever I find a good comic and get drunk enough to post about it. Will it be funny? Eh, probably not. but here it goes!
Galactic Press is a publisher owned and operated by the fore-mentioned comic shop near my house. Before I talk about this comic, I want to put this out there (mostly in case my buddy Kyle, who owns the store is reading). I've read a lot of the stuff Galactic Press has put out, and I enjoy most of it. This one is just a... let's say special, exception.
Double Time #2 is actually 3 different stories inside one comic. Let's take a look at the headlining story first (since it appears first in the book). Our story opens with two dinosaurs (Parasaurolophus, actually) eating swamp water or something.
Sadly, this peaceful scene is interrupted by a T-Rex chasing two of the protagonists of the story-line. No real explanation at this point about how people and dinosaurs are in the same place at the same time (one can only assume that the greatest earthquake ever known plunged them down a thousand feet below). But, that's ok, because the story suddenly changes to something else. We see what appears to be a bunch of soldiers battling some other dinosaurs. This is where the true beauty of this scene comes into play. What is that beauty, you ask?
Exploding. Dinosaur. Faces. This story has so more exploding dinosaur faces than it does plot. Don't believe me? Let's check the next page.
Oh, how strange. We were just talking about dinosplosions, and then there's another one on the very next page. What a happy coincidence. So, after that some stuff happens. We find out that there's a time portal that allows them to get back to dino days or something. They run through it, but the Rex follows. Who cares, none of that is why we're reading. We want more dinosplosions! Well, guess fucking what? They feed the T-Rex a grenade!
This is the best dinosplosion yet because, instead of being like:
"Ew, dinosaur brains everywhere"
They just hang out around it for the rest of the story. Just having a conversation while standing ankle-deep in T-Rex face juice. Best of all, at this most disgusting of all points in their story. Our two original protagonists (who are apparently named "richard" and "gina"*) have a romantic moment.
Greatest Story Ever? Pretty much. But there's still two more stories left in this masterpiece of modern comic bookery. What's next on our amazing journey?
Honestly, this story is fucking boring. To sum it up, post apocalyptic world, two people emerge from a hatch in the ground. blah blah blah. There's some 'deep' comment about how stupid nuclear war is. Basically what I'm saying is no dinosplosions. However we do get this gem of a panel:
Awwww Yeah! I think you guys know what that means. In case you missed it, let's zoom in...
Again, I state: Awwww Yeah! That is the kind of "hand on the ass, gazing lovingly through the facemask" action that says:
"If we weren't wearing the spacesuits (and if we were living in a life-supporting, non-radioactive atmosphere) we'd totally be knocking space-boots right now."
It's so hot I'm tempted to go write Alen/Eva fan fiction right now. Other than that, not much of interest. Moving on, we get to the third and final story of the comic.
The Tower is yet another post-apocalyptic storyline. This one centers around some guy who lives in a tower with a bunch of guns and shoot radioactive mutants for fun. Then one day, as he's looking through some fancy viewfinder (which, i'm not going to point out, is really sophisticated technology for something that survived a nuclear war) (oh shit, i just pointed it out).
Good Lord, indeed sir. A girl, which is pretty much better than gold in the post-apocalyptic world. So he runs out there and kills him some mutants and brings this lady back to..
for some Alen/Eva style lovin. She grabs her boobs (no really. check it)
They make out
but, Oh Shit!, then this happens!
he's left with no choice but to bust a cap (i guess that counts as a boobsplosion?)
she falls off 
and then, he stifles Manly Tears!
THE END!
The hardest part about that last story was figure out which panels not to include. The whole story is just so great. It's like if Frank Miller published a comic that he wrote and drew in 7th grade detention (except significantly less homoerotic).
In conclusion. I don't know who this James Allen guy is who wrote this comic, but I want to thank him. Thank you for writing such a wonderful comic. It brings me so many great laughs every time I read it, even if that's not what you intended when you wrote it. I know I picked it to hell, but I really do think this is one of the greatest comics I own.
Happy Thanksgiving Everybody.
* = I swear to god, I did not make up the fact that the two main characters names can be read as "Dick" and "Gina"
Today, we'll be talking about one of my favorite quarter rack finds so far.
Double Time #2, published by Galactic Press.
Double Time #2, published by Galactic Press.Galactic Press is a publisher owned and operated by the fore-mentioned comic shop near my house. Before I talk about this comic, I want to put this out there (mostly in case my buddy Kyle, who owns the store is reading). I've read a lot of the stuff Galactic Press has put out, and I enjoy most of it. This one is just a... let's say special, exception.
Double Time #2 is actually 3 different stories inside one comic. Let's take a look at the headlining story first (since it appears first in the book). Our story opens with two dinosaurs (Parasaurolophus, actually) eating swamp water or something.
Sadly, this peaceful scene is interrupted by a T-Rex chasing two of the protagonists of the story-line. No real explanation at this point about how people and dinosaurs are in the same place at the same time (one can only assume that the greatest earthquake ever known plunged them down a thousand feet below). But, that's ok, because the story suddenly changes to something else. We see what appears to be a bunch of soldiers battling some other dinosaurs. This is where the true beauty of this scene comes into play. What is that beauty, you ask?
Exploding. Dinosaur. Faces. This story has so more exploding dinosaur faces than it does plot. Don't believe me? Let's check the next page.
Oh, how strange. We were just talking about dinosplosions, and then there's another one on the very next page. What a happy coincidence. So, after that some stuff happens. We find out that there's a time portal that allows them to get back to dino days or something. They run through it, but the Rex follows. Who cares, none of that is why we're reading. We want more dinosplosions! Well, guess fucking what? They feed the T-Rex a grenade!
This is the best dinosplosion yet because, instead of being like:"Ew, dinosaur brains everywhere"
They just hang out around it for the rest of the story. Just having a conversation while standing ankle-deep in T-Rex face juice. Best of all, at this most disgusting of all points in their story. Our two original protagonists (who are apparently named "richard" and "gina"*) have a romantic moment.
Greatest Story Ever? Pretty much. But there's still two more stories left in this masterpiece of modern comic bookery. What's next on our amazing journey?
Honestly, this story is fucking boring. To sum it up, post apocalyptic world, two people emerge from a hatch in the ground. blah blah blah. There's some 'deep' comment about how stupid nuclear war is. Basically what I'm saying is no dinosplosions. However we do get this gem of a panel:
Awwww Yeah! I think you guys know what that means. In case you missed it, let's zoom in...
Again, I state: Awwww Yeah! That is the kind of "hand on the ass, gazing lovingly through the facemask" action that says:"If we weren't wearing the spacesuits (and if we were living in a life-supporting, non-radioactive atmosphere) we'd totally be knocking space-boots right now."
It's so hot I'm tempted to go write Alen/Eva fan fiction right now. Other than that, not much of interest. Moving on, we get to the third and final story of the comic.
The Tower is yet another post-apocalyptic storyline. This one centers around some guy who lives in a tower with a bunch of guns and shoot radioactive mutants for fun. Then one day, as he's looking through some fancy viewfinder (which, i'm not going to point out, is really sophisticated technology for something that survived a nuclear war) (oh shit, i just pointed it out).
Good Lord, indeed sir. A girl, which is pretty much better than gold in the post-apocalyptic world. So he runs out there and kills him some mutants and brings this lady back to..
for some Alen/Eva style lovin. She grabs her boobs (no really. check it)
They make out
but, Oh Shit!, then this happens!
he's left with no choice but to bust a cap (i guess that counts as a boobsplosion?)
she falls off 
and then, he stifles Manly Tears!
THE END!The hardest part about that last story was figure out which panels not to include. The whole story is just so great. It's like if Frank Miller published a comic that he wrote and drew in 7th grade detention (except significantly less homoerotic).
In conclusion. I don't know who this James Allen guy is who wrote this comic, but I want to thank him. Thank you for writing such a wonderful comic. It brings me so many great laughs every time I read it, even if that's not what you intended when you wrote it. I know I picked it to hell, but I really do think this is one of the greatest comics I own.
Happy Thanksgiving Everybody.
* = I swear to god, I did not make up the fact that the two main characters names can be read as "Dick" and "Gina"
2007-11-18
Earthquakes, Pillow Fights, and Exploding Motorcycles
Greetings, Dear Reader! It seems that today we stand face-to-face with another Sunday, and that can only mean it's time for another traditional Drunk Sunday Post! Today we will be reviewing one of my favorite Silver Age titles, World's Finest # 215, put out by DC Comics in 1973. I know what you're thinking...
What How!?! indeed Sir, but, I have been known to read a good DC every now and again (in fact, I am quite a big fan of the new Green Arrow/Black canary series). But, I digress. Today we'll be talking about something other than that comic I just mentioned. In fact, we'll be talking about that first one! You know, the World's Finest one I said earlier.
Let's start our review, by showing just how great a concept this comic has. Just take a look at the cover!
Apparently, both Superman AND Batman have teenage sons, who we've never hear about ever. And, I think we all know how teenagers are. Always trying to be independent of their 'square' parents. Unless of course, they're these kids. In this particular case, they basically want to "run their own lives" by being exactly the same as their dads. Namely, by being big, pompous douche-bags.
Page one opens with our heroes stifling 'manly tears' at a funeral. But a funeral for whom? This question remains to be answered! Our story really starts with a young Clark Kent Jr., talking to his father on the phone while at work at the local community center. His old man is giving him the usual "I can't let you be like me, because it's dangerous and your mom would totally freak the hell out" speech. Total Squaresville. Then, out of left field, a motorcycle crashes through the window, and the community center is attacked by none other than
Satan's Sockers themselves! That's right, the most hardcore motorcycle gang in all of Metropolis is busting through your window CK Jr., and they're gonna really sock it to ya! So, instead of allowing the Satan's Sockers to so it to him!, CK Jr. decides to admit to being romantically involved with a five year old child. Don't ask me how this got past the Comics Code Authority, I don't know.
Lil' Superman kicks their asses, blah blah blah. Enter Bruce Wayne Jr. Same story here, but instead of working in a community center trying to make a differen,ce he;s just a rich asshole who has daddy issues. They both hook up and run off together to complain about how the man is holding them down. This leaves Superman and Batman Sr. with a big problem on their hands. They have to figure out something to do with their problem children. They decide the best thing they can do is to sit their children down and calmly explain the dangers of being a superhero and hope that their son's understand and decide to hold of on taking that responsibility until they are better able to handle it. The End.
Oh wait, sorry, that was a typo. What I meant to say is they decide that the only thing to do is put their sons in grave, life-threatening danger where they are almost certain to be killed. And just fucking leave them. So, that's what they did. They consult Batman's 'Crime File', which is just apparently a huge drawer stuck somewhere in his house with the word 'Crime File' printed right there on it.
Anywho, the consult the Crime File and learn that Rocco Krugge, the crime lord of Sparta City is getting ready to die. They figure they can send the kids there to 'finish the job' if you know what I mean. You know, maybe Rocco wakes up to find someone accidentally smothered him to death with a pillow. Something like that.
Of course, Supes, being the dick that he is, "improves" on Batty's plan by creating a duplicate version of Sparta City through some confusing comic book science that involves earthquakes or something. But, it works, which is all that matters. The kids go to town on their rebellious motorcycle and thwart some baddies for a while (implementing such sound effects as "WHOOOOOOOSSSSSSHH", "TSOK", and "KWAN"). Then, they take a quick break to have a pillow fight. Seriously. They do.
This is shortly followed by a dramatic scene where they ride an exploding motorcycle. Then GASP!, they're both captured by the crime lord Rocco and Superman Jr. (the actual superhero name he chose. he and Batman Jr. don't beat around the bush) is trapped under a bunch of cement with a resounding SPOOOOOOOSH. He and Batman Jr. both die. So long Supes and Batty Jr.
But then something amazing happens! A woman makes a suggestion, and Superman listens! Of course, to defend his manliness, it's only to keep he and Batman from being nagged, as you see in this panel
Translation: Bitches is bitches.
So as you might imagine, Supes Sr. gets all distraught and is like "OMG, Batty is gonna be so P.O.'d at me!". Luckily, as you also probably might imagine, they're not really dead. No really good explanation on how that occurred, but they win and the bad guy loses. Then those to scamps ride off into the sunset on their motorcycle (which, mysteriously, repaired itself since the "explody-motorcycle" panel earlier). All in all, this comic ranks up there with the best of the best. The only thing it's really missing is a panel showing batman on his knees in the rain screaming "NOOOOOOO"!
but, close enough.
What How!?! indeed Sir, but, I have been known to read a good DC every now and again (in fact, I am quite a big fan of the new Green Arrow/Black canary series). But, I digress. Today we'll be talking about something other than that comic I just mentioned. In fact, we'll be talking about that first one! You know, the World's Finest one I said earlier.Let's start our review, by showing just how great a concept this comic has. Just take a look at the cover!
Apparently, both Superman AND Batman have teenage sons, who we've never hear about ever. And, I think we all know how teenagers are. Always trying to be independent of their 'square' parents. Unless of course, they're these kids. In this particular case, they basically want to "run their own lives" by being exactly the same as their dads. Namely, by being big, pompous douche-bags.Page one opens with our heroes stifling 'manly tears' at a funeral. But a funeral for whom? This question remains to be answered! Our story really starts with a young Clark Kent Jr., talking to his father on the phone while at work at the local community center. His old man is giving him the usual "I can't let you be like me, because it's dangerous and your mom would totally freak the hell out" speech. Total Squaresville. Then, out of left field, a motorcycle crashes through the window, and the community center is attacked by none other than
Satan's Sockers themselves! That's right, the most hardcore motorcycle gang in all of Metropolis is busting through your window CK Jr., and they're gonna really sock it to ya! So, instead of allowing the Satan's Sockers to so it to him!, CK Jr. decides to admit to being romantically involved with a five year old child. Don't ask me how this got past the Comics Code Authority, I don't know.
Lil' Superman kicks their asses, blah blah blah. Enter Bruce Wayne Jr. Same story here, but instead of working in a community center trying to make a differen,ce he;s just a rich asshole who has daddy issues. They both hook up and run off together to complain about how the man is holding them down. This leaves Superman and Batman Sr. with a big problem on their hands. They have to figure out something to do with their problem children. They decide the best thing they can do is to sit their children down and calmly explain the dangers of being a superhero and hope that their son's understand and decide to hold of on taking that responsibility until they are better able to handle it. The End.Oh wait, sorry, that was a typo. What I meant to say is they decide that the only thing to do is put their sons in grave, life-threatening danger where they are almost certain to be killed. And just fucking leave them. So, that's what they did. They consult Batman's 'Crime File', which is just apparently a huge drawer stuck somewhere in his house with the word 'Crime File' printed right there on it.
Anywho, the consult the Crime File and learn that Rocco Krugge, the crime lord of Sparta City is getting ready to die. They figure they can send the kids there to 'finish the job' if you know what I mean. You know, maybe Rocco wakes up to find someone accidentally smothered him to death with a pillow. Something like that.Of course, Supes, being the dick that he is, "improves" on Batty's plan by creating a duplicate version of Sparta City through some confusing comic book science that involves earthquakes or something. But, it works, which is all that matters. The kids go to town on their rebellious motorcycle and thwart some baddies for a while (implementing such sound effects as "WHOOOOOOOSSSSSSHH", "TSOK", and "KWAN"). Then, they take a quick break to have a pillow fight. Seriously. They do.
This is shortly followed by a dramatic scene where they ride an exploding motorcycle. Then GASP!, they're both captured by the crime lord Rocco and Superman Jr. (the actual superhero name he chose. he and Batman Jr. don't beat around the bush) is trapped under a bunch of cement with a resounding SPOOOOOOOSH. He and Batman Jr. both die. So long Supes and Batty Jr.But then something amazing happens! A woman makes a suggestion, and Superman listens! Of course, to defend his manliness, it's only to keep he and Batman from being nagged, as you see in this panel
Translation: Bitches is bitches.So as you might imagine, Supes Sr. gets all distraught and is like "OMG, Batty is gonna be so P.O.'d at me!". Luckily, as you also probably might imagine, they're not really dead. No really good explanation on how that occurred, but they win and the bad guy loses. Then those to scamps ride off into the sunset on their motorcycle (which, mysteriously, repaired itself since the "explody-motorcycle" panel earlier). All in all, this comic ranks up there with the best of the best. The only thing it's really missing is a panel showing batman on his knees in the rain screaming "NOOOOOOO"!
but, close enough.
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