The day Chris Sims shat himself in awe. That day is today, ladies and gents.

Some of you may recall my brief stint as a staff writer over at ProjectFanboy.com. In my time there, I managed to get myself signed up on man mailing lists for publishers, etc when they promote new books. Usually it's stuff that's not of much interest to me, but today was a big exception to that rule. Today I learned about the greatest comic since Ayre Force.

Sucka, you'd better believe I'm talking about:

WWE HEROES!

That's right, folks. This comic seems to be about Triple-H, Undertaker, and some guy in a hat* (Sorry, I haven't watched wrestling since the 90's. Wolfpac 4-Life) fighting zombies and a bunch of pissed Talky Tawny knock-offs. I assume they're pissed because the best gig they could get was appearing in WWE HEROES.

Anyway, I hear Mr. Sims is going to be covering this later tonight at Comics Alliance, so I'll let him fill in the real details, but I'll leave you with this actual description from the press release:

Issue #1 reveals an eternal rivalry set against the backdrop of the history of WWE. Why is the ruthless Shadow King so obsessed with WWE? What is the reason for his eternal and supernatural war with the Firstborn? And could his ancient opponent really be a member of the WWE roster?

*UPDATE 02/19/2010 : Further research has led me to know that this man in a hat is John Cena, and that I still totally like wrestling.

Well, it's Wednesday, and the comics have been read, and boy were there a lot of them. This was a good week for interesting covers, and I made a lot of purchases I usually wouldn't, based only on the cover art. Let's have a look at this weeks catch.

AIR #1

This is a good book. The concept is very intriguing, and the main characters really draw you in and make you care about the goings on in their life. My only complaint is that the storyline seems rushed. I think this issue could have stand to be turned into two issues, and have the situations explained in a bit more detail. But, the fast pacing works well to illustrate the mental state of the main character, Blythe. I'd definitely recommend grabbing it if you're looking for a new series to get into.

THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD #16

I've picked up one or two issues of this series in the past, but they've never really done much for me. After reading this issue I realized that a lot of it had to do with the patricular team-ups in each issue. This one features Superman and Catwoman, and it couldn't be more fun. The characters play well off of one another, with Superman showing his common aversion to sexual contact with women and Catwoman, well, being Catwoman all the time.

PUNISHER # 61

The cover to this book is fantastic. I've picked up the MAX line of Punisher before, but it's never really captivated me. This book, however, is fantastic all the way through. Gregg Hurwitz writes a perfect Frank Castle.

ROBIN #177

Another impulse buy based on the cover. I've never bought an issue of Robin because, well, I've always thought Robin sucked. Don't hold it against me, I was raised in an era that brought us Batman Forever. But, I'm a sucker for that Red Robin costume. And, it turns out this series is really good. Robin succeeds in kicking a lot of people in various body parts. Not to mention that it further supports my theory that Batman is really Carol Brady.

SUPERMAN/BATMAN #51

So there I was, browsing the new comics, when what should I find? Why, just the scariest cover I think I've ever seen on a comic book. There's just something about this mini-JLA with their shiny midget faces and giant mouths that sends a chill down my spine. Naturally, I had to buy it. And well, the writer totally called me out on it. The Mikes Green and Johnson are two very clever dudes. Well played.

X-FACTOR # 34

Wow. Worst art ever. I think I officially give up on X-Factor.

X-FACTOR: LAYLA MILLER # 1

This, however was pretty fantastic, except the end. The end I believe to be stolen directly from an episode of Lizzie McGuire.

So I can get to stompin in my Ayre Force vol 1.

Ok, before I get into this review, I have to go ahead and warn you all. This is probably going to be a bit different from any other reviews I've ever posted on this blog before. Mainly because every book I've ever reviewed here before was fun to read, if not at least amusingly unbearable. This book, however, is terrible.

I can generally determine how bad a book was by comparing the time it takes to read it by the amount of pages/dialog in the book. This book has 80 pages and it took me 5 days to finish it. Now, often I can pass off a timespan like that by looking at how busy I was with other things during those times, but I can't do that for this one. I honestly sat and stared at the cover of this book for an hour at one point, trying to convince myself to open it back up and keep reading.

So, I decided to take one for the team and struggle my way through the rest of the book and finally get the warning out to everyone. You guys owe me. Let's get on with the review.

The book opens with the Ayre Force team on a mission to southern china to raid a facility owned by sterotypical evil scientist Janus Winter. This particular facility happens to specialize in bear bile farming. Honestly, I laughed when I read that. But then I looked it up and realized it was a real thing. Apparently they stick a big needle into a bears liver and suck out all the bile to use in some traditional chinese medicine. Generally it is unbelievably painful and unpleasant for the animal, and frequently results in death. OK, well played Mr. Ayre, I can't argue that you are officially not the biggest dick in this comic book. But, after reading the whole book through, I feel like the bears got off easier that the reader.

But anyways, they stop the bad guys, and I'm almost ready to accept that maybe Calvin Ayre isn't the biggest jerk of a protagonist ever. And then he locks them in cages and blows them the fuck up with grenades, after expressing just how much he enjoys doing that.

Now, it may just be me, but I'd love to see where in Mr. Ayre's copy of "Business for Dummies" it recommends depicting yourself as a homocidal vigilante without any remorse for butchering a dozen human beings. But, I'm not going to get myself on that rant just now, because this is where the book actually delivers the one thing you'd probably expect a company that specializes in things dudes like. Explosions and car chases. Really the next 3 pages could be nothing but explosions, and you'd still walk away with the same impression. The dialog is basically just your standard action hero "blowing stuff up is just another day on the job" filler. So, they drive their motorcycles all the way to their big, inconspicuous camouflaged airplane, where they are greeted by none other than Janus Winter's three genetically hybrid children, who have the relative powers of a chameleon, a lion, and a cheetah.

At this point, you will quite likely find yourself wondering what a gun tastes like.

So, fast forward a bit, we find out that apparently Calvin Ayre is really a former secret agent who quit and apparently decided to lay low by starting a multi-billion dollar company and being an egocentric douchebag. We then see shots of Calvin assembling the members of Ayre Force (I did mention that all of the team members are based off of actual employees of Bodog Entertainment, right?). So, in this team-building montage we learn that apparently all the members of Ayre Force were already well-established safe-crackers, data thieves, and eco-terrorists.

Really I'd write more, but there's not much to the rest of the book after we see the team forming. They basically just switch right back to their plot device of "EPIC BATTLE!" for the rest of the book. And in the end, Calvin Ayre douches his way to victory, Janus Winter is dead, and his mutant kids are already planning the sequel.

Fuck. A sequel.

It's that time of the week again, kiddies!

Time for your booster shot of comics! Now, instead of keeping with what seems to have been my weekly tradition of just coming in on Wednesday to gripe with a Worst of Wednesday post, I'm going to mix it up. I'm going to talk about all the comics I bought, in down right Simsian style. But first, a graphic!So, let's talk about comics, shall we?

Avengers: The Initiative #12
This issue has saved the book in my opinion. After all the 'KIA' fiasco going on over the past few issues I was ready to call it quits on the book which has really been the only stable purchase since I started writing this little blog here. I mean, ok, so the guy had fused himself with what is, if I may quote Henry Gyrich "the deadliest weapon in the universe". But, even so, I find it hard to imagine anyone being terrified and/or killed by someone named after a line of affordable economy sedans. This book, luckily, a lot less stupid shit and people getting shot. Oh my god.. Did I just say that?





Giant Sized Avenger/Invaders #1
Am I the only one who is getting a bit tired of Marvel rehashing old comics with a new cover and trying to sell it as something new and exciting? Granted, I actually like the stories inside. Mostly my dismay comes from the fact that there was no warning on the front to telling me that it was just a bunch of stuff I've already read. Not all of us have time to spend reading the descriptions of every upcoming release, Marvel. Of course, that's just the way you want it, isn't it? I know how you work, Marvel...




Daredevil: Blood of the Tarantula #1
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Black Tarantula needs his own series. Or at least to be a regularly occurring character in the Daredevil series. Another big win for Brubaker and Parks. Everything about this book is just awesome. If you're still not getting the picture here, let me spell out why you need to buy this book. Black Tarantula beats a drug dealer with a toy pony. For fucking serious. Fuck my blog. Turn off your computer and go read this comic. The internet will be here when you get back.




New Avengers #40
Well, this series has really taken a turn for the better as of late. And by that I mean that Leinell Yu isn't drawing for it anymore. Unfortunately, Bendis is still writing it, and this is one of those issues that really doesn't let you forget that. Let's start with the fact that really none of the new avengers are in this book at all. The closest we get is a clone of Reed Richards and a holograph of Spider-Woman. Otherwise, this book is skrull city. Although, I have to say, naming the planet Satriani was a clever move. Well played, Mr. Bendis...




New Warriors #11
Between the Stephen Colbert presidential ad hanging in the diner and getting to watch Sofia be a total catty bitch to some reporter, this is another issue that saved a series from the chopping block for me. The series up to this point has mostly just been a bunch of kids whining and bitching about how much it sucks to be the new warriors, and then agreeing at the end that being a new warrior is awesome. This one is mostly that, but for some reason it was a little easier to stomach.




The Order #10
I have to say, for a book that has been so hit-and-miss for me lately for most of the run, this last issue really pulled through and made me like the book. Maybe it was the fact that the main villain looks like an evil version of Harry Potter. Maybe it's the panel where an angry mob brain Anthem with a brick (which apparently makes the vowel-less sound "WHD"). Whatever it was, this issue was so badass. It makes me sad to think that this is the end of the line for the series.





X-Men Legacy #210
SPOILER ALERT! My friends, say hello to the Worst of Wednesday. This issue sucks. Really, this whole "legacy" run is pretty terrible in general. The one saving grace for this issue is that the artists somehow found a way make the sentinels look even sillier than they ever have before. And that takes talent.







That's all for now, see you guys next week!

Worst of Wednesday 2008.04.16

It's official, I fucking hate X-Factor. After only really knowing the series from the very first roster, I got back into reading the series during the Messiah CompleX story arc and have carried over into the new Divided We Stand crossovers as well.

Now, I'll admit, I've hated the book ever since I started picking it up last year. Really I only bought because I figure if I'm going to follow a story arc, there's no sense in skipping over just one book. I think the characters are all stupid, the dialog is poorly written, and the plot up to this point has, in the few points where it is not just two guys standing around on the street talking to each other, seemed to mainly focus around "What are the X-men doing right now? Let's go check that out." But then I saw the cover to issue 30
Ok, I'm just going to cut to the chase here. In case you're absolutely fucking blind, let me just go ahead and let you know that Arcade is the bad guy in this issue. Arcade. That alone got me pretty excited in itself, as Arcade usually means "robot clowns" or "giant pinball machine". Any comic book that has Arcade as the bad guy is going to filled with a lot of crazy carnival-themed death traps and is going to be an absolute joy to read.

Except this one, that is. No fucking clowns. No fun and zany traps. What this issue did have was threats of castration, a man rolling around on a huge boulder for what can only be assumed is half the plot of the entire issue (he disappears about 1/4 of the way into it, but appears later to hit someone with the same giant boulder), people being shot, and a man who has nowhere else to turn to in life giving a sad two page monologue all while slowly killing himself by drinking poision.

Not funny at all! Really, not very entertaining in general. Any comic that can make Arcade a lame villain has got to be the worst comic ever written.

But, to give them the benefit of the doubt, Arcade has the greatest socks ever seen in a comic book.

Worst of Wednesday

Well, my stack of new comics this week has inspired me to start up one of those new segments that I only used once and then forget about. This segment is called Worst of Wednesday, and it is where I will highlight the absolute worst comic I bought that particular week.

This first installment actually has me feeling pretty sad. This is because I am going to have to nominate what, up until very recently, has been one of my favorite books. I'm talking about Punisher War Journal #18I can't pinpoint what exactly about this book that makes it seem like such a dog turd cmpared to the rest of the run. It's difficult because every single thing about this book is just terrible. Someone thought it would be a fun idea to take Ariel Olivetti's absolutely amazing artwork and replace it with something that Howard Chaykin's cat painted on accident. Chaykin ranks right up there with Leinil Yu as far as really bad art goes, so to make such a random jump from this:
To this:
just completely kills the book from the start in my opinion. But I figured "Hey, bad art or not, I can still get into Matt Fraction's badass writing on this one!"

Turns out I was wrong. Don't get me wrong, I like a lot of Fraction's work, but the dialog in this issue sounds like it was written by Howard Chaykin's cat. Now, I know most of you have never met Howard Chaykin's cat, but let's just say he doesn't quite have a mastery of the english language.

I honestly just don't know what to do here. I love this series, but with Olivetti gone, it really just feels like an entirely different book. I don't even think I can be funny about this one right now...

Bits And Pieces

Well, it's been a while since my last real post, so I thought now would be the perfect time to shake off this winter vacation mode I've been in and review yet another brilliant masterpiece of comicbookery. This one comes from James Allen, the samce guy who brought us Double Time #2. Ladies and Gents, without further ado, I present:

James Allen
Presents
James Allen's
Bits And Pieces
Now, completely ignoring the obvious hilarity of the title, let's take a look at the rest of the cover. Does it fit all the criteria for an awesome book? Let's see.

Blood: Yes
Bones: Yes
Big Awesome Font: Yes
Chicks With Big Boobs: No
Explosions: No
Dinosaurs/Robots: No

So, the cover is 50% awesome. The book is half perfect and we haven't even opened it yet! That means the entire rest of the book only has to be 50% awesome to make it a classic. So, let's start with our first story.
Good Hunting starts like any good story should, with a guy with a big gun walking around in the jungle. It appears he hired some native guides to take him and his bitchin' mustache on a safari for some big game. Then, on day five...
Holy shit yes! Please tell me those are tracks of what I think they are...
Then all of a sudden!
SWEEEEET! I think we all see where this is heading.

Dinosplosion!

And then, later:

Minidinosplosion!

So, there's story one, and already we've reached 83.33% awesome, since exploding dinosaurs count as both dinosaurs and explosions. Really, we could stop here and just be happy with what we've got, but we're not going to. Because up next is...
Wait? Wasn't this the title of a story from the last James Allen book we reviewed? Yes, it is. In fact, it's the same story entirely, but with a few upgrades. Namely, everyone has huge genitals.
Hell, even Eva has a huge package. What kind of crazy growth hormones do they put in the food in underground bunkers?
Well, let's take another win for James Allen, having successfully created a 100% awesome book. Give the man a hand. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to write him a letter.

Double Time #2

Well, although I previously mentioned I wouldn't be posting a blog today, I figured why the hell not. Today, dear readers, is the day when I unveil a new feature here on Westchester Is For Lovers. Twenty-Five Cent Thursday! Like most comic shops, my local haunt has a $0.25 rack full of shitty and/or absolutely awesome comics that are either in too bad of condition to include in the back issues, or too off the fucking wall for any sane person to pay more than 25 cents for them. Lucky for you, i'm here to buy them for you. And then, I'll be blogging about my good finds here. Will it be a regularly occurring feature? Kinda. Probably not every week. Just whenever I find a good comic and get drunk enough to post about it. Will it be funny? Eh, probably not. but here it goes!

Today, we'll be talking about one of my favorite quarter rack finds so far.Double Time #2, published by Galactic Press.

Galactic Press is a publisher owned and operated by the fore-mentioned comic shop near my house. Before I talk about this comic, I want to put this out there (mostly in case my buddy Kyle, who owns the store is reading). I've read a lot of the stuff Galactic Press has put out, and I enjoy most of it. This one is just a... let's say special, exception.

Double Time #2 is actually 3 different stories inside one comic. Let's take a look at the headlining story first (since it appears first in the book). Our story opens with two dinosaurs (Parasaurolophus, actually) eating swamp water or something.
Sadly, this peaceful scene is interrupted by a T-Rex chasing two of the protagonists of the story-line. No real explanation at this point about how people and dinosaurs are in the same place at the same time (one can only assume that the greatest earthquake ever known plunged them down a thousand feet below). But, that's ok, because the story suddenly changes to something else. We see what appears to be a bunch of soldiers battling some other dinosaurs. This is where the true beauty of this scene comes into play. What is that beauty, you ask?
Exploding. Dinosaur. Faces. This story has so more exploding dinosaur faces than it does plot. Don't believe me? Let's check the next page. Oh, how strange. We were just talking about dinosplosions, and then there's another one on the very next page. What a happy coincidence. So, after that some stuff happens. We find out that there's a time portal that allows them to get back to dino days or something. They run through it, but the Rex follows. Who cares, none of that is why we're reading. We want more dinosplosions! Well, guess fucking what? They feed the T-Rex a grenade!
This is the best dinosplosion yet because, instead of being like:

"Ew, dinosaur brains everywhere"

They just hang out around it for the rest of the story. Just having a conversation while standing ankle-deep in T-Rex face juice. Best of all, at this most disgusting of all points in their story. Our two original protagonists (who are apparently named "richard" and "gina"*) have a romantic moment.
Greatest Story Ever? Pretty much. But there's still two more stories left in this masterpiece of modern comic bookery. What's next on our amazing journey?
Honestly, this story is fucking boring. To sum it up, post apocalyptic world, two people emerge from a hatch in the ground. blah blah blah. There's some 'deep' comment about how stupid nuclear war is. Basically what I'm saying is no dinosplosions. However we do get this gem of a panel:Awwww Yeah! I think you guys know what that means. In case you missed it, let's zoom in...

Again, I state: Awwww Yeah! That is the kind of "hand on the ass, gazing lovingly through the facemask" action that says:

"If we weren't wearing the spacesuits (and if we were living in a life-supporting, non-radioactive atmosphere) we'd totally be knocking space-boots right now."

It's so hot I'm tempted to go write Alen/Eva fan fiction right now. Other than that, not much of interest. Moving on, we get to the third and final story of the comic.The Tower is yet another post-apocalyptic storyline. This one centers around some guy who lives in a tower with a bunch of guns and shoot radioactive mutants for fun. Then one day, as he's looking through some fancy viewfinder (which, i'm not going to point out, is really sophisticated technology for something that survived a nuclear war) (oh shit, i just pointed it out). Good Lord, indeed sir. A girl, which is pretty much better than gold in the post-apocalyptic world. So he runs out there and kills him some mutants and brings this lady back to..
for some Alen/Eva style lovin. She grabs her boobs (no really. check it)They make outbut, Oh Shit!, then this happens!he's left with no choice but to bust a cap (i guess that counts as a boobsplosion?)
she falls off

and then, he stifles Manly Tears!THE END!

The hardest part about that last story was figure out which panels not to include. The whole story is just so great. It's like if Frank Miller published a comic that he wrote and drew in 7th grade detention (except significantly less homoerotic).

In conclusion. I don't know who this James Allen guy is who wrote this comic, but I want to thank him. Thank you for writing such a wonderful comic. It brings me so many great laughs every time I read it, even if that's not what you intended when you wrote it. I know I picked it to hell, but I really do think this is one of the greatest comics I own.

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody.

* = I swear to god, I did not make up the fact that the two main characters names can be read as "Dick" and "Gina"