Cop-Out post: Best thing ever? perhaps!

Well, first and foremost, I'd like to congratulate Chris Sims on his triumphant victory over foreign corruption in comic bloggery. You have my vote for the new Captain America, sir.

But that's not what this post is about.

This post is about something amazing that Mr. Sims turned me on to. Spidey Super Stories. These comics were a joint effort put out by Marvel and The Electric Company, and are probably the funniest marvel comic you'll ever read. They are the Jimmy Olsen/Lois Lane's of the Marvel U.

Well, today I found something that made me almost cry. I don't know how to describe it, so i'm just going to post it. I hope you enjoy.

you know what sucks?

you know what really sucks? Wolverine Origins. I'm just saying. I bought the last 5 issues at ye olde comic shoppe the other day, and it just sucks. it sucks the big one. It has all the pointless character cameos of a What If? comic, without all the entertainment value. Apparently Daniel Way doesn't read the greatest blog on the face of the universe (i don't blame him).

On a side note, I've noticed a lot of people reading this blog, but nobody (aside from Dave) is posting comments. I'm just saying, maybe you could post a comment.

Slightly Less Boring Than Regular Monopoly

When it comes to board games, monopoly ranks up there with backgammon on the Bored-O-Meter. It's a fun game for about 20 minutes, and then you have to start actually thinking about things. Here's a rough transcript of a conversation between two monopoly player:

Player 1: Um, fuck yes I want St. Charles Place. Here's $140
Player 2: 1,2,3,4,5,6 Marvin Gardens? Yes please.

But then, the terrible moment happens:

Player 1: fuck, income tax. What's more, 10% of 497, or 200 bucks?
Player 2: um, i dunno.
Player 1: let's just stop playing
Player 2: Yeah, why did we think monopoly was a good idea anyways. We should stop drinking so much.

So, as this scientific study has shown, monopoly is not fun. It's great fun when you can say "hell yes, give me that spot" and then gloat to your friends, but once you start having to mortgage things it stops being fun. That's why I usually just avoid monopoly all together. My motto when it comes to this game is:

"If I wanted to worry about debt, I'd just check my bank statement"

But, I'm a sucker. Several weeks ago, I came across a little game called My Marvel Heroes Monopoly. I bought it. I've thought about it for a while now, trying to sum up the experience in a simple, succinct way. Well, I think I finally have th perfect explanation figured out.

"My Bad"

Oops! I accidentally thought this game would be entertaining. But after playing this game with my girlfriend, I quickly came to a startling epiphany. It's exactly the same as regular Monopoly. Now, that's not to say there wasn't an enjoyable part to it.

The most fun of the game comes from deciding which characters will get to be what spots on your board. You get a wide range of characters, from people that make you say "Hell yeah, gotta put him on" to characters that make you go "What? Lockheed is even an option?". Yes, that's right. You can choose Lockheed as a spot on your board. So, I did. But I won't bore you with the details of every spot on my board. Also, I'm tired and hungry. So, this is going to be the end of the post. Now, it's pot roast time.

Maybe you should go read another blog

Daredevil Annual #1

So, as I mentioned in my last post, today (like all good Wednesdays) is new comic day. That being the day that it is, I bought me some new comics. One of those new comics happened to be Daredevil Annual #1.So, you may be asking yourself, "Ok, Ryan, so you bought a comic. What's the sweet god damn deal?". Well, my friends, the sweet god damn deal is that this comic is cooler than solid gold fountain of magical poo poo. And that's pretty sweet. Just ask this guy.

See the excitement? The magical poo poo gleam in his eyes? That is a face you can trust. Magical poo poo fountains are pretty sweet indeed. But this comic is even better than that! It's like Solid Gold Fountain of Magical Poo Poo 2099!

Now, i've been a fan of Daredevil ever since I was just a wee lad. I even stuck with him after that whole "Ben Affleck" incident. We have that kind of friendship. I watch his back, he watc- listens to mine. We're tight. So, I saw that this came out, and I bought it. The writing was good, I like the whole plot point of Daredevil having the flu through the whole issue and how it really humanizes the character. But i'm not here to be a serious critic and read into things like some sort of Monsieur Intelligentpantalons. I'm here to talk about the coolest motherfucker in the book. Black Tarantula.Why the fuck have I never heard of this guy before? From what I can tell, he's only been in something like 14 comics, which is a surprise because he is a complete and total badass. Like, picture is Peter Parker and Frank Castle had some weird love child, who for some reason was spanish, that would be Black Tarantula. In fact, at least as far as his character in this book, he is almost exactly like a hispanic version of the Punisher.

Black Tarantula is so badical he wouldn't even need to actually fight people to make them stop being criminals. I think it would go something like this.

Thug: Give me the purse, lady!
Old Lady: Help! Help! This ruffian is trying to steal my purse!
Black Tarantula: Hey, uh, what's going on here?
Thug: Oh, uh, hey Black Tarantula. I'm just uh, returning this ladies purse to her.
Black Tarantula: Really? Because it kinda sounded like maybe you were trying to steal it from her.
Thug: Me? No. I mean, I thought about stealing it. But you've really shown me the errors of my criminal lifestyle. I've decided to go back to school and try to get my GED. Then try to get a job working at the Wal-Mart or something. You know, really just get my life back on track.
Black Tarantula: Yeah? I'm really happy to hear that. You make me proud.

And then he kicks that thugs ass. Just for fun. That's how badass he is. He pats the kid on the back and gives him a big hug, then he just punches that dude right in the fucking mouth. Blood goes everywhere. The thug is left just lying there in a big, bloody heap in the alley while Black Tarantula helps that little old lady across the street.

Old Lady: Why, thank you, young man

I guess what I'd getting at is, 'Why is there no Black Tarantula series yet?'. There are so many possibilities for awesome team-ups with this guy. Now that he's trying to clean up the streets, he can team up with practically any hero. He's a good guy, so by default he can fight along-side Spider-Man and Wolverine (it's pretty much required), but his pension for violence would suit him easily with the Punisher for a while.

The possibilities are out there, i'm just saying. Come on Marvel, don't be a pussy.

Saddest Halloween Ever

So, today is Halloween. But it's not just any Halloween. Today is the...
I started working at my current job in January, so I'm not sure what my office's policy is on dressing up in costumes. It's been a tradition of mine to wear costumes every year since I got my first job. Let's take a quick look at my personal favorites in the history of me wearing costumes (unfortunately, I don't have actual pictures in digital form, so I've just had to find pictures of who the costume is based off of).

10/31/2000 - Juan Valdez:

This costume is probably the one that got me in the most trouble. I was working in a restaurant at this point, with most of the cooks being from Mexico or El Salvador. Needless to say, they didn't find a white kid with a big bushy moustache and sombrero dancing around with a can of coffee very funny.

10/31/2006 - Mighty Max:
You guys remember Mighty Max? If you don't, let me describe the joys of this phenomenal toy. Mighty Max was basically a pocket-sized playset where you had a little figure (Max, obviously) who battled werewolves, mummies, giant scorpions, and other scary stuff (WARNING! TWO OF THE PREVIOUS LINKS ARE TERRIFYING, ONE IS ADORABLE! ONCE YOU CLICK YOU CANNOT UNCLICK!). I used to play the hell out of those tiny little playsets as a child, so I decided to pay tribute to it by making a costume based of the main character. Unfortunately, nobody at the insurance company I worked for got the reference, so I spent the majority of that day at work explaining the concept of the toys to people instead of working. Then I got fired. No joke.

So, you'd think, what with losing my job and all, last year HAD to have been the
but it wasn't! This one was far worse!

10/31/2007 - fuck fuck fuck:
So, this year I decided to play it safe. I had originally planned on making a really badass superhero costume, but I feared being that guy. You know, that guy who shows up to the office dressed in the chicken costume only to find that nobody else is in a costume and then they start laughing at him, so he starts crying and runs off to hide in the bathroom. But, oh shit, he accidentally ran into the women's bathroom! and everyone saw it! now he's a guy in a chicken suit who is in the ladies room! shit shit shit! what am I going to do? If i go out there, everyone is going to laugh some more. But if I stay in here, they're just going to wonder if i'm in her crying or something. shit. the guys are never going to let me live this down. fuck. what am i going to do...

and then, to escape the torment, he drank the clorox from under the sink.

He fucking died. That poor man killed himself out of sheer embarassment. And you know what, somebody had to explain that to his wife and son. Little Jimmy didn't know how to cope. He slowly became withdrawn from his mother and began doing drugs. One year later, little Jimmy, strung out on coke, ran headlong into a busy intersection and was struck by a car. His mother, now all alone in a great big house spends her days sitting on the bed staring at a picture of the husband she loved so much, but whom she could never again feel the warm touch of his hands. She will never be the same.

So, i didn't want to be that guy. So, i decided to play it safe and have a costume that would be easy to change into regular working clothes if i saw that embarrassing situations were arising. My choice?
Phil Ken Sebben. The boss from the show Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law on [adultswim]. Basically the easiest costume ever for an office worker to pull off. It's a simple process!

1. Get dressed for work
2. Put on eyepatch

Pretty easy, am I right my friends? Not only that, it means you get to wear an eyepatch! I think we're all aware that eyepatches are the pinnacle of badassitude. But don't take my word for it, ask Dave Campbell. The man will tell you!

Well, I bought an eyepatch the other day at the local costume shop. Costume completed, I didn't think about it at all until this morning arrived. This was when I learned that the eyepatch I had bought from this costume shop was a shitty piece of shit. It broke as soon as I put it on. But, I figured I could fix it when i got to the office. So I put it in my pocket, or at least, I thought I did. But apparently I missed my pocket entirely and put it somewhere in the vicinity of who the fuck knows where.

But, I'm jumping ahead of myself. There was much more suckassness before I got to the office. Because, not only is today Halloween, but it's Wednesday (A.K.A. New Comic Day). Unfortunately, today is
For the past, oh, let's say three weeks, i've been chomping at the bit waiting to get my hands on Avengers: The Initiative #7. According to Marvel, it was supposed to be in stores today.

AVENGERS: THE INITIATIVE #7 (AUG072210)
Written by DAN SLOTT
Pencils & Cover by STEFANO CASELLI
Rated T+…$2.99
FOC—10/11/07, On-Sale 10/31/07
To find a comic shop near you, call 1-888-comicbook

But, no dice. Instead, what Marvel had to offer me today was a big stinky shit pile of nothing. It makes me think that they got my letter (which, i might add, i sent, but i totally forgot to take those pictures of), and Stan Lee personally decided to piss all over my hopes and dreams.

So, no new A:TI, no eyepatch, I'm left at work looking like an overdressed putz.

I wonder if it's too late to declare Doom as my master.

Just a quick second

I'm sitting in my office at work, so I don't have a lot of spare time to make a big long post about funny things. However, I did have a great idea for a comic. Basically the story would revolve around everything you see in this video:

Every issue would include an awesome dance breakdown like you see at 1:16, and superman picking someone up by the crotch, as seen at 2:34. Great Idea? I think so.

What If? #1 (2005 edition)

As I've mentioned before, like all comic fans, I often come up with ideas that I think would be a great comic. It's been like that ever since I was a kid. I'd make up awesome stories and then play them out with my old toy-biz Marvel action figures (which, I might add, they never should have stopped making). Later in life, I would attempt to write them into fan-fiction. Unfortunately, none of my stories involved sex between the characters, so there was really no sense in writing that stuff. This is where things could have split off in two directions. I started a blog to post all this nonsense that comes out of my head. However, if I had any form of talent in the drawing department, I could've made What If? comics. Yes, don't fool yourselves, when you read What If?'s, you are just reading glorified fan-fic. The only difference is the pretty pictures.

I've always secretly held the dream that one day I'd be able to write a what if for Marvel. I like to think that they work in the same way Star Trek did. Just send them whatever and they'll make it into a comic if they like it. Here are some ideas I've had (not including the ones I've blogged about before)

1. What if the Uncle Ben had become the Green Goblin?
2. What if Dr. Doom quit fucking whining all the time?
3. What if Uatu was a lady?
4. What if the new Captain America was Hitler?
5. What if Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were time tripping super-buddies?
6. What if New Avengers #35 had been good?

I like to think those would all make outstanding reads. But that's not what we're here to talk about today. We're here to talk about my favorite comic ever. Not my favorite What If? comic. My favorite comic ever. What is that comic, you ask? Why, it's 2005's What If? #1, you silly goose! The plot is simple. What would have happened if Reed Richards had been a cosmonaut, instead of an American scientist? The four of them go to space, get radiated, get powers, and then form a superhuman team. Except, instead of being the Fantastic Four, they are the Ultimate Federalist Freedom Fighters! Sounds simple enough, right? Well, that's not quite the extent of it's greatness. Let's look at the image from the cover.
So, looking at the cover, we can discern the following facts. If Reed Richards had been a cosmonaut:

• The UFFF would have the most badical looking costumes ever.
• Johnny Storm would be a girl
• Sue Storm would be the drummer from the Velvet Underground
• Colossus would have a completely different origin story.

Yeah, that's right. It's not just some guy who happens to get Colossus' powers, it's fucking Piotr Rasputin. And he has a totally bitchin moustache!

The strangest thing about the comic, though, is that as it progresses Colossus gets dumber and dumber. I don't mean the concept gets dumber, by the end of the issue, he is practically unable to form coherent sentences at all.

But, what's craziest of all is the powers of one mister Rudion Richards (Komrade Fantastik, as I like to pretend he's called). He can teleport parts of his body to other locations. Let's set the scene, shall we?

You're a russian guy, sitting around with some buddies having a drink. Maybe somebody mentions they don't care much for this Stalin guy. All of a sudden, a hand pops up and just punches that fucker right in his russian face. That's when everybody is like "Oh shit, Komrade Fantastik is here. We'd better split, yo." But it's too late, because he's already teleporting body parts around and kicking all of your asses. I have to say, pretty fucking clever. But I would love to hear the comic book science behind it.

So, by now you must be thinking what I'm thinking. Why the fuck haven't they continued this series?

I know! I said the same thing! It's such a badass storyline, that they just have to do it. or if nothing else, I have another idea.

Now, i'm just putting this out there, but this is an open invitation to Marvel. Let me write What If the fantastic four fought the Ultimate Federalist Freedom Fighters? I'm not saying you have to let me, but if you don't you're a big pussy. C'mon, don't be such a pussy, Marvel. I mean, come on.