Apocalypse presents: The Batender's Bible, vol 1

Greeting True Believer! If you're reading this, it can only mean that you're the newest recruit here at Apocalypse's Bar and Grill. I'll be training you here at the bar until you get the hang of things. Let's get you started by going through:

The Bartender's Bible, featuring

Since it's your first day, we'll start easy with one of our bar's signature drinks. Named after one of the greatest tragedies ever to occur in or around a bar, allow me to present:

_________________________________________________________
DOUBLE BONUS POINTS!

What are Vulture and Apocalypse talking about? I don't know. YOU TELL ME!

[also, this weekend is when I get my camera back, so be ready for a whole slew of new reviews - Rhymin' Ryan]

Late New Comics Day: A.K.A Drunk Sunday Post

Sunday Morning, 1:16 A.M. and I am TANKED! So, time for me to tell you about my new comics I bought this New Comics Day!

Let's start with:
The Order #5: I've talked about the previous issues in a previous Drunk Sunday post. Well, I grabbed this issue, and guess what. It's fucking good! Not to offer too many spoilers for those of you who haven't read yet, but I hope for characters with kinetokinesis (Latin for Movement Movement) to come up in the future. That's not a typo, kinetokinesis is the same word just repeated. make your own judgement there.

My next big purchase was:
Messiah CompleX #6, Uncanny X-Men #493. This issue was almost so good I forgot how much I hate Cable. Honestly, if the rest of the series makes me like Cable as much as this issue did, I might end up buying the new Cable series coming out next year. On a side not, Chris made a good point about the unintentional hilarity about this issue.

Next came:Omega The Unknown #3. This series so far has been kind of iffy for me. Until now I've not been able to determine if I actually liked the comic or not. The reasoning behind that being that it was difficult for me to tell if Jonathan Lethem meant for the writing to be awkward, or if he was just a terrible writer. This issue sealed it. This is a fucking great series. If you're not reading it, you should be.


Lastly, on a suggestion from the previously mention Chris, I picked up:
Suburban Glamour #2. I've yet to read #1 (Galactic Quest was sold out), but #2 has all the slightly awkward charm of Omega The Unknown, while still being grounded sort of in reality. Suffice it to say "holy crap, this is one of my favorite new comics. seriously, just fucking buy it"

OFF-TOPIC:
If you're wondering why i've not done any reviews of comics or posted any scans, it's because I left my digital camera at my grandmother's house while I was there for Thanksgiving. But never fear, True Believer, i'm going back there next weekend and getting my camera back! So stay tuned for many new 25 Cent Thursday posts.

Also, after drinking a large amount of Evan Williams 1783 and then switching to Jim Beam, I learned that Jim Beam tastes like cashew nuts. Seriously, try it.

Comic Conspiracy Theories - Skrull Invasion

Well, after exposing the industry-wide conspiracy to hide my identity as the Mutant Messiah, I've been getting countless imaginary emails from people asking me to turn my investigative journalism prowess towards Marvel's current Skrull Invasion story arc. Imaginary people just like you have been asking me who my bid is on for the next big Skrull reveal. Well...
My money is on Wolverine. Or should I say, SKRULLVERINE! Let's think about it for a second. This guy is freaking everywhere. Not only is he a member of both the X-Men and the New Avengers, he seems to be involved in every bit of marvel continuity ever. How is this possible? Take a closer look at how impossible it is. He's a member of the New Avengers, which is a group of highly-wanted unregistered superhumans who are constantly being sought after by agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. At the same time, he's a member of the X-Men, who live at a school that is currently being patrolled by Sentinels, who keep tabs on everyone who enters/exits the property. What's the Deal? How can he possibly be in two places at once? I'll tell you how.

One of them is a fucking skrull! The big question is, which one?

A private message to Marvel

(This message is intended to be read only by the writers employed by Marvel comics to write the current Messiah CompleX story arc. If you are not one of those people, don't read it. Or read it and just don't tell anybody. Or tell everyone you read it and that it's the greatest. Really, just do whatever you want)

Dear Marvel,
Did we REALLY need to put Cable in this series? I think I speak for many of my fellow comic readers in saying that I could never see Cable again for the rest of my life and not be too upset about that. Please stop ruining good stories.

Hugs and Kisses,
Ryan

(oh, also, if you haven't read Messiah CompleX #5, don't read this message. There's spoilers)

More Conspiracy Proof

Ok, for all you non-believers, I've brought more proof or the great comics conspiracy against me, the Mutant Messiah.

Last night I blogged about how I was going to buy a bunch of back issues of U.S. 1
Today I go to the comic shop to find they have no issues of U.S. 1

Coincidence? I think not, Mr. Logic.

The great pilgrim conspiracy

No, this isn't a post about this kind of pilgrim, though I have a feeling that he may be related to this terrible conspiracy against me.

I'm talking about the other kind of pilgrim. The kind that wears silly hats with buckles on them. I mean the bad kind of pilgrim!
So, by now you're probably asking yourself, "what is this crazy pilgrim conspiracy against Ryan?". Well, I'll tell you. They don't want me to know what happens next in Messiah CompleX.

I went to my local comic shop today. Messiah CompleX chapter 5 was sitting right there on a table. I picked it up and carried it to the counter and the guy said the worst thing i've heard all week.

"I can't sell you that until tomorrow"

I thought it was bad when my parents told me my little brother had been eaten by a cougar while waiting for the school bus on Monday morning, but knowing that I can't buy comics on New Comics Day makes that seem so trivial.

So, what's the deal? I'll tell you what's the deal. You know those people we call the pilgrims? Do they remind you of anyone else? Let's say, maybe these guys?Crazy, religious group? Check. Loves ruining peoples day? Check. I don't need any more proof than that to make me a believer. The Pilgrims were Purifiers and they made Thanksgiving so that they could track down the mutant messiah in secret. Also it means that I'm the Mutant Messiah! It does! Sweet!

When you're done having your mind blown, you might want to get yourself to a hospital.

Even more U.S. 1

So, I don't mean to harp on and on about this U.S. 1 comic before I have actually read it, but this is important. I was talking with my buddy Chris Sims tonight. The subject of U.S. 1 and all of it's awesomeness came up. This was when I realized it. The main character, Ulysses Solomon Archer, is Bizarro Power Man. Let's take a look:So, there you have it. Coincidence? Perhaps. But I think it's obvious to everyone here that those tight jeans are awesome.