So I can get to stompin in my Ayre Force vol 1.

Ok, before I get into this review, I have to go ahead and warn you all. This is probably going to be a bit different from any other reviews I've ever posted on this blog before. Mainly because every book I've ever reviewed here before was fun to read, if not at least amusingly unbearable. This book, however, is terrible.

I can generally determine how bad a book was by comparing the time it takes to read it by the amount of pages/dialog in the book. This book has 80 pages and it took me 5 days to finish it. Now, often I can pass off a timespan like that by looking at how busy I was with other things during those times, but I can't do that for this one. I honestly sat and stared at the cover of this book for an hour at one point, trying to convince myself to open it back up and keep reading.

So, I decided to take one for the team and struggle my way through the rest of the book and finally get the warning out to everyone. You guys owe me. Let's get on with the review.

The book opens with the Ayre Force team on a mission to southern china to raid a facility owned by sterotypical evil scientist Janus Winter. This particular facility happens to specialize in bear bile farming. Honestly, I laughed when I read that. But then I looked it up and realized it was a real thing. Apparently they stick a big needle into a bears liver and suck out all the bile to use in some traditional chinese medicine. Generally it is unbelievably painful and unpleasant for the animal, and frequently results in death. OK, well played Mr. Ayre, I can't argue that you are officially not the biggest dick in this comic book. But, after reading the whole book through, I feel like the bears got off easier that the reader.

But anyways, they stop the bad guys, and I'm almost ready to accept that maybe Calvin Ayre isn't the biggest jerk of a protagonist ever. And then he locks them in cages and blows them the fuck up with grenades, after expressing just how much he enjoys doing that.

Now, it may just be me, but I'd love to see where in Mr. Ayre's copy of "Business for Dummies" it recommends depicting yourself as a homocidal vigilante without any remorse for butchering a dozen human beings. But, I'm not going to get myself on that rant just now, because this is where the book actually delivers the one thing you'd probably expect a company that specializes in things dudes like. Explosions and car chases. Really the next 3 pages could be nothing but explosions, and you'd still walk away with the same impression. The dialog is basically just your standard action hero "blowing stuff up is just another day on the job" filler. So, they drive their motorcycles all the way to their big, inconspicuous camouflaged airplane, where they are greeted by none other than Janus Winter's three genetically hybrid children, who have the relative powers of a chameleon, a lion, and a cheetah.

At this point, you will quite likely find yourself wondering what a gun tastes like.

So, fast forward a bit, we find out that apparently Calvin Ayre is really a former secret agent who quit and apparently decided to lay low by starting a multi-billion dollar company and being an egocentric douchebag. We then see shots of Calvin assembling the members of Ayre Force (I did mention that all of the team members are based off of actual employees of Bodog Entertainment, right?). So, in this team-building montage we learn that apparently all the members of Ayre Force were already well-established safe-crackers, data thieves, and eco-terrorists.

Really I'd write more, but there's not much to the rest of the book after we see the team forming. They basically just switch right back to their plot device of "EPIC BATTLE!" for the rest of the book. And in the end, Calvin Ayre douches his way to victory, Janus Winter is dead, and his mutant kids are already planning the sequel.

Fuck. A sequel.

The new phone books are here!

7-11 days my ass. UPS just showed up with my copy of Ayre Force. Thankfully, a lot thinner than I had originally thought, so that means less of a headache.

I should be done with this and able to review later today.

Also, one of the writers is named Slutsky. heh heh.

UPDATE:
This is pretty excruciating. Give me until tomorrow.

New Comics Day 05/07/2008

Well, today is New Comic Day and I'm faced with a bit of a conundrum. None of my comics sucked this week! How the hell do they expect me to make fun of their comics if they make them so good? Let's take a look at some of the highlights...Avengers/Invaders #1
After last weeks disappointment with the giant size intro, I was a bit unsure about this one, but it turned out to be a a good issue in what appears to be a really promising series. But really, any series that features Bucky running around in his old clown suit is A-O.K. in my book.









Cable #3
With Olivetti's art behind this series, it could be about cable playing a game of ping-pong and I'd still buy it. Unfortunately, this issue offers absolutely zero table tennis action. What it did offer was a surprisingly funny penis joke on the part of Bishop. Really, as I've said before, this series has completely changed my outlook of Cable. Of course, that probably has something to do with the fact that they've basically changed him into Hulk Hogan from Mr. Nanny.







Invincible Iron Man #1
This issue has fucking 6 different covers to choose from! I understand that Iron Man is Marvels meal ticket right now, but I thought we were done with the 90's. Anyways, once I got past that fact and really got into the meat of the book, I have to say, it's made me hate this current Iron Man persona a little less. The villain and his premise look to be pretty interesting in the long run, if not a bit insubstantial in this first issue. I can't wait to hear the back story here.







Iron Man: Viva Las Vegas
This is quite possibly the greatest Iron Man story to come out in the recent years. Mostly because it's out of continuity and heavily influenced by the movie. So we get to see Stark back to his old boozing and womanizing self. Not to mention that the entire premise of the threat to Las Vegas in this issue is "Ewww, Lizards!". That's one step up from "Eeeek! A Mouse!".








Punisher War Journal #19
After earning the Worst of Wednesday award a few weeks back, I felt that I had to include this issue in my highlights this week. This issue was really fucking good. It really did a great job of trying up all the absolutely confusing loose ends that the last issue left, and even made me forget about Chaykin's art. I have now regained hope that this series can continue to produce the goods, even without Olivetti's art. Well played, Mr. Fraction.







X-Factor: The Quick and The Dead #1
Another surprising one. When I look at it from a logical standpoint, it doesn't quite make sense to me. This book has the words 'X-Factor' on the cover, it's focused on one of my least favorite comic characters of all time, and it is largely about a guy talking to himself. Everything about this book tells me that it should suck, but it doesn't. I really, really liked it. Hopefully Quicksilver will continue not to suck for many years to come.







The War That Time Forgot #1
Dinosaurs. Explosions.


'Nuff Said.

HOLY SHIT YES!

Just heard about the next batch of Marvel movies coming out in the upcoming years. Might I just say, once again, holy shit yes. I don't really have much else to add, so I'll just provide a direct quote from marvel.com:

You might want to be sitting down for this one, True Believers...Okay, you ready?

This morning Marvel Studios announced four new films slated for 2010 and 2011, including two Avengers-related movies!

With Iron Man's cinematic debut currently blasting through box offices throughout the country, fans can expect a second film to hit theaters on April 30, 2010! And a few months later in July, the mighty Thor himself will wield his enchanted hammer across the big screen courtesy of director Matthew Vaughn!

Pumped yet? You should be—and you haven't heard the best part! The summer of 2011 will kick off in style with a Captain America movie, followed just two short months later with the July-debuting Avengers!

Want the very first looks at how the Marvel movie universe is already tying together? Be sure you stick to your seats until the very end of "Iron Man"—yes, all the way through the credits! There's an extra special, extra exciting, extra scene guaranteed to thrill!

Plus, as first revealed at New York Comic-Con 2008, catch Robert Downey, Jr.'s cameo as Tony Stark in "The Incredible Hulk," smashing into theaters on June 13!

That noise you hear in the background is the sound of Marvelites the world over rejoicing, True Believer! So get ready, because these next few years are going to be one heck of a good time!

I don't think the Iron-Man sequel is any surprise to anyone who saw the movie. Actually, let me interrupt my own self with a question to you, the reader. Am I the only one who experienced the strange emotion of wanting to vomit and scream for joy at the scene where Rhodes looks at the other suit and says "next time"? Now, you may think I'm exaggerating there, but I'm not. The corniness of it literally make me throw-up in my mouth a little, but holy shit war machine. I can't imagine what would really happen if one were to puke while screaming, but I think it would likely not bode well for the cleaning crew. If anyone wants to make a video of themselves doing that and put it up on youtube, I'll be glad to send you a free WIFL T-Shirt.

Anyways, back to movies. Iron Man 2, no big surprise. Really, Avengers is no big surprise either. But what about Thor and Captain America?

Thor is already facing a 25/75 chance of flopping outside of the fanboy community. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Thor. I just don't think he's the kind of character that Joe Everyman thinks of when he wants to go see a Marvel-based flick. I know at least two people (Myself, and the late David "pookyface" Campbell) who would kill an adorable puppy (don't tell my girlfriend!) for a Thor movie, but is everyone else that dedicated? I guess, on the plus side, it means that he's probably going to be in the Avengers movie. Which means I can die a happy man.

The announcement of the Captain America movie was probably my biggest moment of fanboy rapture, though. Cap has always been my favorite character. And really the long, agonizing 3-year wait really has me hopeful. I'm hoping that 3 years will give them plenty of time to make it really good.

Oh also....

COUNTDOWN TO AYRE FORCE

After a full two weeks of arduous procrastination, I finally broke down and ordered my copy of Ayre Force vol 1 from their website. According to my shipping choice, it will take 7-11 business days to arrive. So, I've decided to host a little countdown of my own, as DC's draws to a close.

I will be making a post a day-ish for the next 7-11 days*.




*this does not actually mean I'll do that, but you have to admire my idealism, right?

It's that time of the week again, kiddies!

Time for your booster shot of comics! Now, instead of keeping with what seems to have been my weekly tradition of just coming in on Wednesday to gripe with a Worst of Wednesday post, I'm going to mix it up. I'm going to talk about all the comics I bought, in down right Simsian style. But first, a graphic!So, let's talk about comics, shall we?

Avengers: The Initiative #12
This issue has saved the book in my opinion. After all the 'KIA' fiasco going on over the past few issues I was ready to call it quits on the book which has really been the only stable purchase since I started writing this little blog here. I mean, ok, so the guy had fused himself with what is, if I may quote Henry Gyrich "the deadliest weapon in the universe". But, even so, I find it hard to imagine anyone being terrified and/or killed by someone named after a line of affordable economy sedans. This book, luckily, a lot less stupid shit and people getting shot. Oh my god.. Did I just say that?





Giant Sized Avenger/Invaders #1
Am I the only one who is getting a bit tired of Marvel rehashing old comics with a new cover and trying to sell it as something new and exciting? Granted, I actually like the stories inside. Mostly my dismay comes from the fact that there was no warning on the front to telling me that it was just a bunch of stuff I've already read. Not all of us have time to spend reading the descriptions of every upcoming release, Marvel. Of course, that's just the way you want it, isn't it? I know how you work, Marvel...




Daredevil: Blood of the Tarantula #1
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Black Tarantula needs his own series. Or at least to be a regularly occurring character in the Daredevil series. Another big win for Brubaker and Parks. Everything about this book is just awesome. If you're still not getting the picture here, let me spell out why you need to buy this book. Black Tarantula beats a drug dealer with a toy pony. For fucking serious. Fuck my blog. Turn off your computer and go read this comic. The internet will be here when you get back.




New Avengers #40
Well, this series has really taken a turn for the better as of late. And by that I mean that Leinell Yu isn't drawing for it anymore. Unfortunately, Bendis is still writing it, and this is one of those issues that really doesn't let you forget that. Let's start with the fact that really none of the new avengers are in this book at all. The closest we get is a clone of Reed Richards and a holograph of Spider-Woman. Otherwise, this book is skrull city. Although, I have to say, naming the planet Satriani was a clever move. Well played, Mr. Bendis...




New Warriors #11
Between the Stephen Colbert presidential ad hanging in the diner and getting to watch Sofia be a total catty bitch to some reporter, this is another issue that saved a series from the chopping block for me. The series up to this point has mostly just been a bunch of kids whining and bitching about how much it sucks to be the new warriors, and then agreeing at the end that being a new warrior is awesome. This one is mostly that, but for some reason it was a little easier to stomach.




The Order #10
I have to say, for a book that has been so hit-and-miss for me lately for most of the run, this last issue really pulled through and made me like the book. Maybe it was the fact that the main villain looks like an evil version of Harry Potter. Maybe it's the panel where an angry mob brain Anthem with a brick (which apparently makes the vowel-less sound "WHD"). Whatever it was, this issue was so badass. It makes me sad to think that this is the end of the line for the series.





X-Men Legacy #210
SPOILER ALERT! My friends, say hello to the Worst of Wednesday. This issue sucks. Really, this whole "legacy" run is pretty terrible in general. The one saving grace for this issue is that the artists somehow found a way make the sentinels look even sillier than they ever have before. And that takes talent.







That's all for now, see you guys next week!

Pardon or delay...

We apologize for the inconvenience, but today's Worst of Wednesday post is being temporarily delayed until Ryan is able to locate, purchase, and read a copy of Ayre Force #1.

Sorry,

The Management

Worst of Wednesday 2008.04.16

It's official, I fucking hate X-Factor. After only really knowing the series from the very first roster, I got back into reading the series during the Messiah CompleX story arc and have carried over into the new Divided We Stand crossovers as well.

Now, I'll admit, I've hated the book ever since I started picking it up last year. Really I only bought because I figure if I'm going to follow a story arc, there's no sense in skipping over just one book. I think the characters are all stupid, the dialog is poorly written, and the plot up to this point has, in the few points where it is not just two guys standing around on the street talking to each other, seemed to mainly focus around "What are the X-men doing right now? Let's go check that out." But then I saw the cover to issue 30
Ok, I'm just going to cut to the chase here. In case you're absolutely fucking blind, let me just go ahead and let you know that Arcade is the bad guy in this issue. Arcade. That alone got me pretty excited in itself, as Arcade usually means "robot clowns" or "giant pinball machine". Any comic book that has Arcade as the bad guy is going to filled with a lot of crazy carnival-themed death traps and is going to be an absolute joy to read.

Except this one, that is. No fucking clowns. No fun and zany traps. What this issue did have was threats of castration, a man rolling around on a huge boulder for what can only be assumed is half the plot of the entire issue (he disappears about 1/4 of the way into it, but appears later to hit someone with the same giant boulder), people being shot, and a man who has nowhere else to turn to in life giving a sad two page monologue all while slowly killing himself by drinking poision.

Not funny at all! Really, not very entertaining in general. Any comic that can make Arcade a lame villain has got to be the worst comic ever written.

But, to give them the benefit of the doubt, Arcade has the greatest socks ever seen in a comic book.