3 posts in one day? Jeezy Creezy!
Just saw this over on superherohype, and thought I would repost it here.
Don't fucking tell me that doesn't look sexy/
2008-06-12
Let's talking comics!
It's new comic book day, and thus, it's time to talk about new comics. Without spending a lot of time doing the introduction thing, I'm going to jump right into it.
Now, for the reviews!
BOOSTER GOLD #9 & #10
After my good experience with Blue Beetle a few weeks ago, I decided to try my hand at another DC series I’ve been hearing a lot of good things about. I grabbed the newest issue and #9 (I would have grabbed more back issues, but the closest one to #9 was #5, and that’s a bit too much of a gap in plot for my tastes). It’s a really good read from what I’ve gotten out of the two issues so far. I was probably going to pick up the series, but then I saw “Skeets” let loose a blast of robot diarrhea all over his evil twin and a guy vomit up a thousand mind control caterpillars.. That pretty much sealed the deal for me.
BOOSTER GOLD #9 & #10After my good experience with Blue Beetle a few weeks ago, I decided to try my hand at another DC series I’ve been hearing a lot of good things about. I grabbed the newest issue and #9 (I would have grabbed more back issues, but the closest one to #9 was #5, and that’s a bit too much of a gap in plot for my tastes). It’s a really good read from what I’ve gotten out of the two issues so far. I was probably going to pick up the series, but then I saw “Skeets” let loose a blast of robot diarrhea all over his evil twin and a guy vomit up a thousand mind control caterpillars.. That pretty much sealed the deal for me.
GENEXT #1 & #2Somehow a book about mutants written by Chris Claremont slipped entirely under my radar. Although the writing is a little shaky at times, the issues themselves are really fun to read. What steals the show, though, is a special mini-story in the back of issue one featuring my favorite character ever to be written in an X-Men comic, Bernard! This is one you need to buy, dig?
GREEN ARROW/BLACK CANARY #9Oh god. Oh good god. Batman/Plastic Man team-up in issue #10? I don’t see PM in the cover preview in the back of this issue, but I certainly have my fingers crossed!
THE TWELVE #6The past few issues of this book have been boring with a capital BORING. This issue, however, makes up for all of that. I’ve been hoping for a rockman-heavy issue, and this one is it. Of course, that very fact also makes this issue terribly depressing. I won’t say why, because I actually don’t want to spoil an issue as good as this. Of course, if the last page has anything to say about it, next issue will be thousands of times more awesome.
X-FORCE SPECIAL: AIN’T NO DOG #1The second story that this issue offers has me severely disappointed. The story begins with Warpath hunting down a bear in the woods. All signs point to “bear fight”. Sadly, it was just not meant to be, and he saves the bear from some barbed wire and then sends it off into the woods to live in harmony with all of Mother Nature’s children.
Friggin’ indians.
Mountain Dew Voltage, Supernova, and Revolution
Had to get my comics a day late, and now I am waiting for everyone else in my office to leave so I can start reading them and writing my reviews. Until then, here's another installment of "Stuff You Should or Shouldn't Put In Your Mouth" to hold you over.
I used to drink a whole lot of soda for most of my life, up until a year or so ago. During that time, my particular favorite was Mountain Dew. Why? Because I was fucking 1337 and that's what me and my buddies would drink while we chatted on IRC. Nowadays, I don't know what the hell I found so delicious about the stuff. Just thinking about it makes my teeth hurt.
My brother, on the other hand, still enjoys the beverage quite frequently. (EDITORS NOTE: This process is also known on the street as "doing the dew"). The other day he came home with a few 12-packs of some new flavors of mountain dew. Apparently they've released 3 new flavors, and you get to vote on which one continues on as a real brand after this contest ends. The flavors all have really XTREME names like Voltage (a blue raspberry flavor), Supernova (strawberry), and Revolution (Wild Berry). Let me just say, these things are pretty awful. Let me see if I can accurately describe the experience of drinking one of these.
If you were ever a child, there's a very good chance that you (at least once) have prepared a batch of Kool-Aid with so much sugar that it actually gave you a headache to drink it. Now, imagine a fairy took a piss in that Kool-Aid. That's how sweet this stuff is. Not to mention the addition of ginseng into the mix. Because, really, Mountain Dew was really missing that kick of energy. Of course, this also means that side effects of drinking these new flavors could include nausea and diarrhea. Make of that what you will.
But seriously, it's probably not sanitary to make things out of your diarrhea.
Anyways, what makes this whole thing much more interesting is that there appears to be a suprisingly large online community devoted to discussing how much better one flavor is compared to another. I'm talking forums with hundreds and hundreds of posts about Mountain Dew. And there are fights! Internet flame wars about a beverage. If that's not a cue that you need to cut back on your sugar/caffeine/ginseng intake, I don't know what is. Let's take a look at some of these fantastic speaking points.
This one comes from a thread titled We Must Unite! *Please Read*, in which 'aa01' states:
Am I the only that is scared of this much tactic and loyalty being put into a god damn drink?
I used to drink a whole lot of soda for most of my life, up until a year or so ago. During that time, my particular favorite was Mountain Dew. Why? Because I was fucking 1337 and that's what me and my buddies would drink while we chatted on IRC. Nowadays, I don't know what the hell I found so delicious about the stuff. Just thinking about it makes my teeth hurt.
My brother, on the other hand, still enjoys the beverage quite frequently. (EDITORS NOTE: This process is also known on the street as "doing the dew"). The other day he came home with a few 12-packs of some new flavors of mountain dew. Apparently they've released 3 new flavors, and you get to vote on which one continues on as a real brand after this contest ends. The flavors all have really XTREME names like Voltage (a blue raspberry flavor), Supernova (strawberry), and Revolution (Wild Berry). Let me just say, these things are pretty awful. Let me see if I can accurately describe the experience of drinking one of these.
If you were ever a child, there's a very good chance that you (at least once) have prepared a batch of Kool-Aid with so much sugar that it actually gave you a headache to drink it. Now, imagine a fairy took a piss in that Kool-Aid. That's how sweet this stuff is. Not to mention the addition of ginseng into the mix. Because, really, Mountain Dew was really missing that kick of energy. Of course, this also means that side effects of drinking these new flavors could include nausea and diarrhea. Make of that what you will.
But seriously, it's probably not sanitary to make things out of your diarrhea.
Anyways, what makes this whole thing much more interesting is that there appears to be a suprisingly large online community devoted to discussing how much better one flavor is compared to another. I'm talking forums with hundreds and hundreds of posts about Mountain Dew. And there are fights! Internet flame wars about a beverage. If that's not a cue that you need to cut back on your sugar/caffeine/ginseng intake, I don't know what is. Let's take a look at some of these fantastic speaking points.
This one comes from a thread titled We Must Unite! *Please Read*, in which 'aa01' states:
My fellow fans of Revolution,
We must unite against the dark force that is known as (Voltage) and hit
them hard! The best way to do this, is to strike at 1 state at a time! Now of
course we can argue which state to hit votes upon first, second, third, etc. but
the best way is too continue hitting our states that we have put our votes into
but mostly Oregon. Due to fact Voltage is unwilling to let that state go! If we
continue to hold onto the 4 states that we have Oregon, Hawaii, South Dakota and
our newest Maine. They will lose a high level of confidence that they need to
continue with their continous streak of winning! Now all Revo Fans stand up for
what is right, for what is best tasting and for better is to keep this "dream"
on! To be able to say that you had a part of making the Revo a drink that will
stay with us. So please continue voting!
Am I the only that is scared of this much tactic and loyalty being put into a god damn drink?
2008-06-04
New Comic Day 06/04/2008
New comic day is upon us once again. Luckily, after the serious hurt that last week put on my wallet, this one was a much smaller haul. This week I bought...
Let's take a little look at the highlights for the week.
AMERICAN DREAM #3If I’ve never mentioned it before, one of my favorite runs in comic book history was the Stern/Byrne run on Captain America (which brought us such gems as the Machinesmith and Cap’s run for presidency). This series reminds me a whole lot of those kind of storylines. Just enough mystery in the plot, a really compelling title character who does a great job of capturing the essence of old Captain America, really this book has everything you could want in a simple, fun read. My only gripe with the series so far has been these two villains behind the scenes who never seemed to actually do much of anything. This issue seems to mark the beginning of their involvement in the actual plot itself, which should be interesting. I’m upset that there are only going to be two more issues of this.
INVINCIBLE IRON MAN #2I’m going to sum up why you should by this book in just six words. Mental. Organism. Designed. Only. For. Genocide.
Carry on.
KICK-ASS #3I’ve heard some people saying that the plot progression in this book is to slow. To that I have to ask, why do you hate everything that is good? Saying you don’t like this story, especially after the twist in this issue, is like saying you don’t like pictures of adorable puppies and kitties snuggling each other in a laundry basket. I mean, isn’t that just the cutest thing ever? Seriously, I challenge someone to show me something cuter. Wait, what were we talking about again?
A small amount of reviews for a small weekly haul. What did you guys buy today?
2008-05-31
In which Ryan reviews the movie 'Pinocchio In Outer Space'
Another movie review? Yeah, it kinda looks like that's the case.
As you can see from that image, this is the greatest movie ever made. Pinocchio In Outer Space was created in Belgium, and then released in North America by Universal Pictures in 1965. It was actually the second animated film that Universal ever released. After this movie they didn't release any more animated films for over 20 years. That's how bad this movie is.
The plot is pretty simple. You know that story about Pinocchio? You remember, puppet gets turned into a real boy, something about noses growing and stuff. Well, this is kind of a sequel. Much in the same way that Weekend At Bernie's 2 was a sequel. Same central characters, but with a plot that really stretches the storyline in a much more awesome direction. In this case, it involves flying around in a spaceship.
We start our movie with a shot of an old lady and a princess with no nose sitting in space-rockers and doing some knitting. I am totally not kidding about this. Apparently space is just as boring as your grandma's house. Anyways, as the two are knitting, they fill us in with the story up to now. Apparently since we last saw Pinocchio, he's been busy being a total asshole to the point where he actually got turned back into a puppet. On top of that, the world is being tormented by a giant, rocket-powered space whale named Astro. Again, not kidding.
We then join Pinocchio as he does his astronomy homework. You know, because that's the kind of thing a puppet who is roughly the equivalent to a 9-year-old would normally be doing, especially at a point in history where there is still high demand for toys cobbled out of wood. Anyways, after a jaunty tune, Pinocchio decides the best way to become a real boy again is to save the world from the space whale. And, like any good, critical-thinking puppet, he decides to do so by learning hypnotism to convince the giant space whale that he is instead a giant space penguin. No fucking joke.
Lucky for him a spaceship lands nearby and he is greeted by his new bestest buddy Nurtle the Twurtle (not to be confused with a turtle, mind you). Pinocchio suggests that he could use his completely untrained hypnosis powers to help Nurtle defeat Astro. Nurtle, in his infinite wisdom, decides to accept Pinocchio's claims at face value and takes the youngster up into space. They go to Mars to investigate some strange atomic radiation. Once they arrive, they locate a city that has apparently just been sitting there on the planet's surface all this time. Then they are attacked by a horde of giant space crabs. After narrowly escaping the giant crabs, they fly over the city until they spot some spaceships, which Nurtle reminds us is proof of an advanced civilization on Mars. Yeah, like the giant spanning space city didn't tip us off.
Upon further investigation, they find some regular-sized sand crabs and some scorpions hanging out in some pits with fancy science equipment. Then, you guessed it, giant space scorpion attack. Shortly after, space scorpion is joined by unidentified giant space lizard who chases him away. At this point, after the whale and the crabs and the scorpion, Pinocchio finally notices that there are giant animals afoot. Pinocchio is not very smart. Oh, wait, now there's also a spider. I'm assuming somewhere on a cutting room floor in Belgium, there are countless scenes of random giant animals being all badass. Really, you can only afford to fit so many of them into this film until it no longer counts as a film about Pinocchio.
Or so you might think. But, then they find themselves face-to-face with a giant space turtle. You know, I think I just figured something out. There are giant animals in this movie. They barely make it to their rocketship and escape, just before the gigantic atomic blast that destroys the entire Martian city. For realsies. But, just when you think our heroes are safely on their way back to Earth, Astro attacks and swallows them whole. Sound familiar? Yeah, it did to me too.
Luckily, the whale comes equipped with a spout, which they fly out of to safety, although they accidentally bend their stabilizer fin in the process, which causes them to spiral uncontrollably. Unfortunately, Astro catches wise to their escape plan and takes pursuit. Pinocchio decides to try his hypnosis skills on the whale. Surprise, they don't work. Luckily, the spinning of the ship actually does hypnotize him. This allows them to tie their ship to his tail and point him in the direction of Earth. Unfortunately, now their on a collision course for our planet, which means Pinocchio has to do the heroic thing by putting an anchor in Astro's tailpipe or something along those lines. Whatever it is, it seems to work. Astro stops, they make it back to Earth and everyone lives happily ever after.
Oh, and Pinocchio becomes a real boy. What a twist!
All in all, a bad movie, but not as unbearable as Shrooms. I give this one 3 out of 5 Torgos.
As you can see from that image, this is the greatest movie ever made. Pinocchio In Outer Space was created in Belgium, and then released in North America by Universal Pictures in 1965. It was actually the second animated film that Universal ever released. After this movie they didn't release any more animated films for over 20 years. That's how bad this movie is.
The plot is pretty simple. You know that story about Pinocchio? You remember, puppet gets turned into a real boy, something about noses growing and stuff. Well, this is kind of a sequel. Much in the same way that Weekend At Bernie's 2 was a sequel. Same central characters, but with a plot that really stretches the storyline in a much more awesome direction. In this case, it involves flying around in a spaceship.
We start our movie with a shot of an old lady and a princess with no nose sitting in space-rockers and doing some knitting. I am totally not kidding about this. Apparently space is just as boring as your grandma's house. Anyways, as the two are knitting, they fill us in with the story up to now. Apparently since we last saw Pinocchio, he's been busy being a total asshole to the point where he actually got turned back into a puppet. On top of that, the world is being tormented by a giant, rocket-powered space whale named Astro. Again, not kidding.
We then join Pinocchio as he does his astronomy homework. You know, because that's the kind of thing a puppet who is roughly the equivalent to a 9-year-old would normally be doing, especially at a point in history where there is still high demand for toys cobbled out of wood. Anyways, after a jaunty tune, Pinocchio decides the best way to become a real boy again is to save the world from the space whale. And, like any good, critical-thinking puppet, he decides to do so by learning hypnotism to convince the giant space whale that he is instead a giant space penguin. No fucking joke.
Lucky for him a spaceship lands nearby and he is greeted by his new bestest buddy Nurtle the Twurtle (not to be confused with a turtle, mind you). Pinocchio suggests that he could use his completely untrained hypnosis powers to help Nurtle defeat Astro. Nurtle, in his infinite wisdom, decides to accept Pinocchio's claims at face value and takes the youngster up into space. They go to Mars to investigate some strange atomic radiation. Once they arrive, they locate a city that has apparently just been sitting there on the planet's surface all this time. Then they are attacked by a horde of giant space crabs. After narrowly escaping the giant crabs, they fly over the city until they spot some spaceships, which Nurtle reminds us is proof of an advanced civilization on Mars. Yeah, like the giant spanning space city didn't tip us off.
Upon further investigation, they find some regular-sized sand crabs and some scorpions hanging out in some pits with fancy science equipment. Then, you guessed it, giant space scorpion attack. Shortly after, space scorpion is joined by unidentified giant space lizard who chases him away. At this point, after the whale and the crabs and the scorpion, Pinocchio finally notices that there are giant animals afoot. Pinocchio is not very smart. Oh, wait, now there's also a spider. I'm assuming somewhere on a cutting room floor in Belgium, there are countless scenes of random giant animals being all badass. Really, you can only afford to fit so many of them into this film until it no longer counts as a film about Pinocchio.
Or so you might think. But, then they find themselves face-to-face with a giant space turtle. You know, I think I just figured something out. There are giant animals in this movie. They barely make it to their rocketship and escape, just before the gigantic atomic blast that destroys the entire Martian city. For realsies. But, just when you think our heroes are safely on their way back to Earth, Astro attacks and swallows them whole. Sound familiar? Yeah, it did to me too.
Luckily, the whale comes equipped with a spout, which they fly out of to safety, although they accidentally bend their stabilizer fin in the process, which causes them to spiral uncontrollably. Unfortunately, Astro catches wise to their escape plan and takes pursuit. Pinocchio decides to try his hypnosis skills on the whale. Surprise, they don't work. Luckily, the spinning of the ship actually does hypnotize him. This allows them to tie their ship to his tail and point him in the direction of Earth. Unfortunately, now their on a collision course for our planet, which means Pinocchio has to do the heroic thing by putting an anchor in Astro's tailpipe or something along those lines. Whatever it is, it seems to work. Astro stops, they make it back to Earth and everyone lives happily ever after.
Oh, and Pinocchio becomes a real boy. What a twist!
All in all, a bad movie, but not as unbearable as Shrooms. I give this one 3 out of 5 Torgos.
2008-05-30
New Comic Day 05/29/2008
First off, let me apologize for the late update here. Apparently after delaying the book sales for a day, Diamond thought it was a good idea to send my store's books to Iowa instead of Georgia. But, now I've got them and I've read them, and it's time for you to act like you care what I thought about them. Let's take a look at this week's list. 
If you look closely, you'll notice that there are a suspiciously larger amount of DC comics than I usually buy. Honestly, I think it's the most DC comics I've ever bought at the same time. Though, really, this is the most comics I've bought all at once in a while. Let's take a look at this weeks highlights and lowlights.
2008-05-26
In which Ryan reviews the movie 'Shrooms'
I try to keep this blog generally comic and/or superhero themed. But, sometimes things just come along that are too fantastic not to discuss. In this case, it is a masterpiece of modern horror cinema known as Shrooms.
This movie follows 6 college-aged kids who decide to go out into the backwoods of Ireland and trip their nuts off on psychedelic mushrooms. The kids are as follows:
Troy: The hippie stoner kid. This guy is pretty blatantly a direct rip-off of Jay (from Kevin Smith's movies) but without all the funny jokes and things that make you hope he doesn't die. Troy is basically in this movie for two reasons.
A) To constantly tell his girlfriend to calm down
B) To get brutally murdered
Holly: Troy's hippie girlfriend. For some unknown reason, Holly doesn't shave her underarms, but unexplainably has smooth, freshly shaven legs. She exists pretty much only to be killed.
Bluto: The jock. Bluto is the tough-guy of our troupe. He openly admits to using steroids, and has two rings on each hand. One says "Death" and the other says "Coma". He also wants to fuck anything that moves
Lisa: Bluto's girlfriend, who is a total bitch to everyone all the time. That's pretty much it.
Tara: The central character of the story, Tara is one of the few who doesn't fit into an easy classification. She exists to make you want to kill her yourself.
Jake: The only semi-likable character in the bunch. Jake is an Irish guy who these kids know somehow. He's like that guy in high school who knew everything there was to know about drugs and everyone thought he was so cool, but then everyone had to generally straighten up after college and so now he hangs out with high school kids. The only difference is that these kids aren't in high school.
They never really explain how these people all know each other, which really wouldn't be a big deal, except for the fact that almost from the very start of the movie they all hate each others guts. That's really all you get to know about them. What they don't tell you straight-forward is that these kids are the smartest people alive. Which is what makes the movie so hard to grasp, because it seems like they make all the right choices, but still somehow they end up getting chased by a psycho.
They get off their plane and hop in Jake's van to drive out to the woods where they'll be picking the shrooms. On the way there, they see a car parked out in the woods, which prompts Jake to explain the concept of "dogging" to his friends. Apparently dogging is where a couple parks their car in the woods and has hot make-outs while other people watch. Then they flash the cars lights which tells the onlookers that they can approach the car and get a BJ from the passengers. Make sense? Yeah, didn't for me either. They also run into some hobos. Anywho, they reach their destination and set out to pick some mushrooms. This is when we learn that apparently there are two kinds of shrooms growing this season. The normal kind you want to take, and the Death's Head Mushroom, which looks exactly the same, except for a little black dot on it.
The Death's Head will apparently do one of two things:
A) Kill you very painfully
B) Give you crazy psychic powers that show you how people are going to die.
Guess what happens next!
You guessed it, Tara eats one and starts having a seizure. Unfortunately, she survives. They all head back to camp to start boiling their mushroom tea and Jake decides to tell the story of a giant brutal massacre that occurred at a home for unruly children on the very land they are camping at. Apparently the guys who ran the place were sadists and tortured the kids, so the kids put a few pounds of death's head shrooms in their soup and then everyone went crazy and killed each other, except for two of them who were never seen again. He then proceeds to tell them about how people are always finding dead, mutilated bodies in the area during mushroom-picking season. They decide to stick around anyways because, like I said, they're geniuses.
That night Bluto and Lisa have an argument, so Bluto decides it's a good idea to drink half their mushroom tea, vomit all over himself, and then take a stroll into the woods by himself. On the way, he meets a talking cow. No really, I'm not joking. After talking to the cow, he spots that car they had seen on the way there, and sees that it's lights are flashing. Obviously from what we know about Bluto, he can't resist getting a little action from some strangers. So he goes over and pops his willy into the window. And, it gets bitten off then he gets an axe to the head or something. While this is happening, Tara is having another seizure and dreaming about the exact same thing.
They all awake the next morning to find Bluto gone, so they figure the best thing to do would be to drink some shroom tea themselves and wander into the woods to look for him. They find him all dead and shit, which causes them to lose it and run around in the woods for a while. For some reason, even though they just saw his dead body with a big blood hole in it's head, nobody seems to think that maybe they should get the hell out of there. Instead they decide to argue amongst themselves and stare off into the woods a lot.
I might want to sidetrack here and explain that about 70% of the footage for this movie is just long shots of nothing but trees and empty hallways, interspersed by a shot of Tara looking all freaked out and then screaming and running.
Anywho, in order to solve the mystery, they decide to split up and meet back at the abandoned children's home. Scooby and Shaggy go this way, and... oh wait, wrong review. The three ladies go one way, and the remaining men go the other. Holly gets split from her friends and gets killed. We then see Tara having another seizure by the edge of a lake, which is followed by her telling Lisa that Holly is dead and is in the water. Lisa finds Holly and decides to ditch her friend and walks off into the bog. Tara has another seizure/premonition about Lisa, so she decides to follow her. Lisa dies.
Tara decides that the best idea is to just keep walking around in the water some more on the way over to where they had agreed to meet the guys. Because really, when you have a history of debilitating seizures, what could be safer than standing in waist-deep water? Then we get to the death of Troy, which was surprisingly really uninteresting. He just kind of goes away. This prompts Jake to freak out and jump out of the window and break his legs.
Tara finds him and they start walking back to civilization and live happily ever after. Actually, the killer finds them and kills Jake too. Which is unfortunate, because then we're really just left with the one person we wanted to die from the start.
Really all that's left now is the big surprise twist ending that you probably already saw coming from the first 5 minutes. But, I'm not going to ruin it for you. Watch it yourself.
All in all, I give this movie 4 out of 5 Torgo's
This movie follows 6 college-aged kids who decide to go out into the backwoods of Ireland and trip their nuts off on psychedelic mushrooms. The kids are as follows:
Troy: The hippie stoner kid. This guy is pretty blatantly a direct rip-off of Jay (from Kevin Smith's movies) but without all the funny jokes and things that make you hope he doesn't die. Troy is basically in this movie for two reasons.
A) To constantly tell his girlfriend to calm down
B) To get brutally murdered
Holly: Troy's hippie girlfriend. For some unknown reason, Holly doesn't shave her underarms, but unexplainably has smooth, freshly shaven legs. She exists pretty much only to be killed.
Bluto: The jock. Bluto is the tough-guy of our troupe. He openly admits to using steroids, and has two rings on each hand. One says "Death" and the other says "Coma". He also wants to fuck anything that moves
Lisa: Bluto's girlfriend, who is a total bitch to everyone all the time. That's pretty much it.
Tara: The central character of the story, Tara is one of the few who doesn't fit into an easy classification. She exists to make you want to kill her yourself.
Jake: The only semi-likable character in the bunch. Jake is an Irish guy who these kids know somehow. He's like that guy in high school who knew everything there was to know about drugs and everyone thought he was so cool, but then everyone had to generally straighten up after college and so now he hangs out with high school kids. The only difference is that these kids aren't in high school.
They never really explain how these people all know each other, which really wouldn't be a big deal, except for the fact that almost from the very start of the movie they all hate each others guts. That's really all you get to know about them. What they don't tell you straight-forward is that these kids are the smartest people alive. Which is what makes the movie so hard to grasp, because it seems like they make all the right choices, but still somehow they end up getting chased by a psycho.
They get off their plane and hop in Jake's van to drive out to the woods where they'll be picking the shrooms. On the way there, they see a car parked out in the woods, which prompts Jake to explain the concept of "dogging" to his friends. Apparently dogging is where a couple parks their car in the woods and has hot make-outs while other people watch. Then they flash the cars lights which tells the onlookers that they can approach the car and get a BJ from the passengers. Make sense? Yeah, didn't for me either. They also run into some hobos. Anywho, they reach their destination and set out to pick some mushrooms. This is when we learn that apparently there are two kinds of shrooms growing this season. The normal kind you want to take, and the Death's Head Mushroom, which looks exactly the same, except for a little black dot on it.
The Death's Head will apparently do one of two things:
A) Kill you very painfully
B) Give you crazy psychic powers that show you how people are going to die.
Guess what happens next!
You guessed it, Tara eats one and starts having a seizure. Unfortunately, she survives. They all head back to camp to start boiling their mushroom tea and Jake decides to tell the story of a giant brutal massacre that occurred at a home for unruly children on the very land they are camping at. Apparently the guys who ran the place were sadists and tortured the kids, so the kids put a few pounds of death's head shrooms in their soup and then everyone went crazy and killed each other, except for two of them who were never seen again. He then proceeds to tell them about how people are always finding dead, mutilated bodies in the area during mushroom-picking season. They decide to stick around anyways because, like I said, they're geniuses.
That night Bluto and Lisa have an argument, so Bluto decides it's a good idea to drink half their mushroom tea, vomit all over himself, and then take a stroll into the woods by himself. On the way, he meets a talking cow. No really, I'm not joking. After talking to the cow, he spots that car they had seen on the way there, and sees that it's lights are flashing. Obviously from what we know about Bluto, he can't resist getting a little action from some strangers. So he goes over and pops his willy into the window. And, it gets bitten off then he gets an axe to the head or something. While this is happening, Tara is having another seizure and dreaming about the exact same thing.
They all awake the next morning to find Bluto gone, so they figure the best thing to do would be to drink some shroom tea themselves and wander into the woods to look for him. They find him all dead and shit, which causes them to lose it and run around in the woods for a while. For some reason, even though they just saw his dead body with a big blood hole in it's head, nobody seems to think that maybe they should get the hell out of there. Instead they decide to argue amongst themselves and stare off into the woods a lot.
I might want to sidetrack here and explain that about 70% of the footage for this movie is just long shots of nothing but trees and empty hallways, interspersed by a shot of Tara looking all freaked out and then screaming and running.
Anywho, in order to solve the mystery, they decide to split up and meet back at the abandoned children's home. Scooby and Shaggy go this way, and... oh wait, wrong review. The three ladies go one way, and the remaining men go the other. Holly gets split from her friends and gets killed. We then see Tara having another seizure by the edge of a lake, which is followed by her telling Lisa that Holly is dead and is in the water. Lisa finds Holly and decides to ditch her friend and walks off into the bog. Tara has another seizure/premonition about Lisa, so she decides to follow her. Lisa dies.
Tara decides that the best idea is to just keep walking around in the water some more on the way over to where they had agreed to meet the guys. Because really, when you have a history of debilitating seizures, what could be safer than standing in waist-deep water? Then we get to the death of Troy, which was surprisingly really uninteresting. He just kind of goes away. This prompts Jake to freak out and jump out of the window and break his legs.
Tara finds him and they start walking back to civilization and live happily ever after. Actually, the killer finds them and kills Jake too. Which is unfortunate, because then we're really just left with the one person we wanted to die from the start.
Really all that's left now is the big surprise twist ending that you probably already saw coming from the first 5 minutes. But, I'm not going to ruin it for you. Watch it yourself.
All in all, I give this movie 4 out of 5 Torgo's
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
